The title is intriguing and relevant to the story. It certainly creates curiosity at first glance. My only concern is how the title is written. I feel like the main title should be placed first and then the series name. But it's okay if you feel that this is the best way to put it.
» Cover :: 8/10
The cover is neat, clean and certainly gives a glimpse into the contents of the book. It will definitely attract a lot of readers but at the same time despite the cover being amazing, I wish the title was a little brighter compared to the background, that way the words will come more into focus.
» Blurb :: 2/5
The blurb is quite big and confusing, to be honest. If I talk from a web surfer’s point of view or a general reader on Wattpad, I would turn away the moment I see that blurb with so much info. To catch attention on Wattpad you have to make it shorter and with effective, impactful words rather than telling so much. That being said, it is too revealing, it gives way too many hints about the story than necessary about the characters.
I would suggest reducing it to a maximum of four paragraphs and cutting down on the character’s info too. Just adding two lines about the characters should be enough to keep the mystery of their characters rather than making it predictable like that. You have to generate curiosity among readers not give it all away with the blurb, that's how you will attract more readers.
Dawn :: 5/10
Coming to the first chapter, the character intro chapter, it's simply put too lengthy. If we talk about published paperbacks, there's usually no character intro but on Wattpad, it's quite normal so I won't go against it but definitely make some suggestions to reduce the wordiness and make it more interesting and easy to remember.
The first thing I would suggest is making use of italics and bold to put the dialogues apart from the other stuff. Second, go with bullets or ‘topic : description’ format with name, traits, and back story. Personally, I like to see the character’s personality flourishing throughout the book rather than having it given to me on a silver platter because that's the fun of reading; analysis, compilation, and understanding. A character intro chapter beats the purpose of it but if you wish to set aesthetics, you are free to do it, just make sure it's not too revealing (which is exactly what's happening in that chapter) and create suspense to hook the readers to your book.
If I had to compare the first intro and the 2D intro, I much prefer the 2D character intro because it's neat, eye-catching, and gives only a few tidbits about the characters rather than presenting me with their whole personality report. If you think about making changes then I would definitely suggest sticking with the 2D intro with a few additions of the taglines for each character.
Plot and Idea :: 14/20
The idea is really nice. Mystery, detective novels can never go wrong. So, in that department, you've got full marks. The plot seems interesting too though it feels a little unpolished at some places. Even the pace seems quite fast but since it's an ongoing book, I can't really say much about it.
I just hope you have a clear mind and a clear storyline with proper timestamps to execute it perfectly because the idea and the first impression certainly got my expectations high.
Characters and Emotions :: 6/15
The characters are interesting, especially Ranran and I don't really see any issues with the characters, they are all well made. My issue is expression.
While reading I could feel that you know what to do and what to add but you didn't know how to exactly do it. For example in the first two chapters, the expression for being stunned and silenced and speechless or surprised was shown with dialogues which weren't really dialogues, just punctuations that didn't let whatever emotions the characters were feeling to be expressed. Instead of those ellipses and the combination of question and exclamation marks, I wish you had described it with words that how everyone was stunned or surprised or whatever they were feeling. There are enough words in the vocabulary to use from so don't hold yourself back. Experiment, practice, and make perfect. Also, if you have trouble with writing I suggest reading good books to study and research.
Writing Style :: 7/15
The start of the book was very strong, the writing style started off interesting and definitely hooked me to the book but as the chapters progressed, the writing style degraded. Not in terms of how you described it but how you used slang in the descriptive parts. Slang and short forms are allowed in dialogues because they can define how one person talks. If it's someone from a middle-class family, they'll have different dialects, if it's someone noble then their dialect will be filled with formality. But as I read, I didn't find the distinction and it affected the overall effect the whole two chapters should have made.
So, to sum it up, avoid using slang and short forms in the descriptive parts, be more descriptive with the situation and set a tone for each character to separate them.
Grammar :: 8/20
I noticed a lot of grammatical mistakes not only in the first chapter itself but also in the blurb, so it's something you have to pay attention to.
The first error I noticed was tense inconsistency and the form of verbs that didn't match and confused me more than once while reading. There are a few missing commas and misplaced commas too.
Next is the use of question tag; when you use question tag, you have to use the opposite form of the auxiliary verb used in the main sentence. Example; ‘are :: aren’t’, ‘wasn't :: was’. I hope it's understandable.
I also feel like you know dialogue tags but are not sure, so I suggest you brush up on them for good measures. There were also no spaces after dialogues as there should be after using punctuation marks. The ellipsis that you are using is used in a set of three (...) not more than that nor less.
I pointed out as many errors as possible but not in-depth but I can tell you need to proofread the chapters and you'll see them easily as well. If you are not so sure, you can take the help of Grammarly or write in google docs which makes suggestions for proper punctuation, but start with Grammarly.
Other than that to improve our writing skills and grammar read a lot of books, especially detective books but definitely on Wattpad.
TOTAL :: 53/100
Reviewer's Note :: I didn't get to read the whole book while reviewing because I was busy but it certainly has the potential to gain more readers than it has now. If you just focus more on the descriptions, vocabulary, and grammar, it'll be perfect.
I hope this review was helpful and I also hope you take it positively and give your best to your readers.
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