It All Started By One Single Tear (Rantaro x reader x YandereMastermind Kokichi)

Chapter 5 Part 13: An Unexpected Guest

Trigger warning! Like I told you all last week, there is a trigger warning for this chapter for the mentions of self harm and relapse. If you aren't comfortable with this topic, please click away or skip it. For all of those who continue on, good luck.

Your POV:

To put in in short, I was relapsing... My brain was pushing me to do something I knew I'd regret. Even though I would regret it, right now... it didn't matter to me. All that mattered was taking out this anguish on myself.
I was holding the razor in my hand with tears flowing out of my eyes like constant waterfalls. It felt like everything around me was vanishing from existence as I was focused on the urge to take everything out on myself. All I could hear was the sound of my own heart beating.
    I pulled up the sleeve on my right arm as much as I could. One of the only things that was logically going through my brain was hiding this from everyone else. If Kaito didn't want to talk to me anymore... if Rantaro didn't want to be with me anymore... They probably wouldn't even care anyway.
    With those thoughts fueling my mind, I slowly brought the razor over to my arm. Once I had the blade portion on my arm, instead of pulling it up to remove hair, I slid it to the side. Almost instantly I could feel the blade slice into my skin. My mind clouded with despair, didn't perceive the pain at all.
    I could see bubble gum link  blood starting to bubble and ooze from the cut I just gave myself. Something about seeing this in the state I was in... it was satisfying. I felt slightly better, knowing I was punishing myself for the bad things I've done to others, even Rantaro.
    'I am a terrible person,' I thought as I started to take more of my frustration out on myself, 'no one will ever love you.'
    I started to go up my arm, sliding the razor to the side to cut into my arm. This was the best thing I could do, because I now knew my true worth. I could feel no pain as I continued to cut my arm, realizing that my only purpose here was to keep the others alive. My only purpose was to be a scape goat for others.
    I saw streams of bubble gum substance streaming from my arm, cascading down my forearm before droplets were falling onto the floor. I couldn't feel any pain from this. All I could feel was my stress reducing from doing this. Putting myself in pain helped with my stress and that was all that mattered.
    If everyone in my past was right about what type of person I am, then taking everything out on myself was the only way to make myself feel better.
     I could see cuts cascade down my arm, dripping blood as I held the razor to another spot to cut. Blood was starting to drip more onto the floor, but I didn't care about that. All I cared about was making myself feel the pain and torture that I put everyone else through.
    "This is for your own good," I muttered to myself as tears continued to stream out of my eyes, "if I'm still hurting others, then hurting myself if the best thing I can do to make myself pay...."
That was was all I could think of. I could feel myself start to tremble as I started to realize what I've done to myself. In the moment, I was happy that I was able to hurt myself to compensate for hurting others.
I could feel my eyes widen as I saw the mess I created. There was blood dripping onto the floor, coming from my arm in endless streams. I failed to remember how long razor cuts could bleed for, and that was the predicament I was in.
My body was quaking as blood continued to seep from my arm. Adrenaline that once coursed through my system during my present break down was going away. I could start to register pain coming from my arm, a stinging sensation coming from the open cuts on my arms.
This as when panic start settling in. I knew I felt like I deserved this, but this went too far. I couldn't let anyone find out what I did. I needed to keep this from the others. If they found out, they'd probably assume that I was crazy or something.
"I need to clean my arm off," I said to myself, feeling my breath start to pick up, "I can't let anyone find out... I can't let anyone find out...I can't let anyone find out..."
I was stammering to myself as I tried to calm myself down in the bathroom, so I could be calm enough to wrap my arm with something in order to keep blood from getting on my clothes. I didn't even know if my room even had a first aid kit, but I guess I'd find out. Something as close to a gauze roll would be enough for me.
I turned on the faucet before putting my arm under to clean up my arm. I slowly rubbed my arm, rinsing it if the bubble gum pink that stained it. I could feel my arm burn as I attempted to clean off the blood. All I needed was something to wrap my arm with. That was all I needed.
As soon as I got my arm rinsed off, I started to look through the cupboards and drawers that were stationed in my bathroom. It was as if Lady Luck was beckoned to me because I found a roll of gauze and medical tape. I could feel myself sigh in relief as I took the rolls out.
"Thank god I have first aid stuff here..." I muttered as I dried my arm off with a towel, "I can't let anyone know... everyone will think I'm over dramatic..."
Blood got on the towel, but I knew somehow, someone always fixed up the dorm room even if we didn't. Uniforms were always restocked, and the bed was always remade. I wasn't going to let anyone into the bathroom as of late.
     With my shaking form, I started to wrap the gauze around my arm. As I was covering the open wounds I gave to myself, I couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. I thought I was changing. I thought I was finally starting to love myself... however...this changed everything. I didn't love myself. I only felt that way based off of what Rantaro was saying to me.
    I finished wrapping my arm with the gauze, and after that, I used the medical tape to keep the gauze on my arm. I stuck some of the tape on the ends of the gauze on my arm, and it worked well enough. 
     I pulled my sleeve down to cover my arm, and to my surprise, the gauze was barely noticeable. I was satisfied worth my arm bandage, so I decided to walk back to my bed.