Queen Bee

April 2008 (1)

April 20th. It was April 20th, and after months of such a gruelling weening process, the date was officially marked as Marshall's very first sobriety day. Waking up as early as I possibly could, I had the whole entire morning planned out. After my shower, I was fully prepared to head downstairs and cook the biggest, most lavish fucking breakfast any of us had ever laid eyes on. I even specifically planned out pancakes for him that were going to have the words 'Happy Sobriety Day' written in chocolate chips. 

In my mind, it was gonna be the most perfect surprise for everyone! But mainly, Marshall. I just really wanted him to know proud I was of him, how excited I was for him, and just make him feel like the most special human on the planet, because he is. But just after I hopped out of the shower and bolted downstairs so I could hopefully start the whole process before everyone woke up, I was hit with my own surprise. 

"Oh shit!" I squawked, clutching my chest tightly as I turned the corner as fast as I could, coming face to face with Marshall sitting only with one singular light on above the kitchen table as albums and albums of pictures were scattered across the glass. Immediately noticing me, his head cranked sideways. "What the hell are ya doin' up? It's only like five am." I asked, slowly making my way towards him. 

He shook his head gently. "'Couldn't sleep. I've been up since two." 

"Two? How come?" I asked again, this time my tone turning soft as I sat down beside him, realizing something was definitely bothering him.

He shrugged. "I don't know. Just couldn't sleep." 

"Hey..." I said in that same quiet tone, reaching my hand out towards his shoulder as I gently ran it back and forth. "Talk to me. What's goin' on? What's all this?" I motioned towards the pictures. 

As a deep sigh rolled from his lips, I could tell there was a lot going on in that little mind of his. "I just- I don't know. I'm scared, Angel." He said, his nervous eyes looking towards mine. 

"Scared of what?" 

"Today." 

"Why?" I asked, a sad look running across my face. 

'Cause as of tonight it's like... I'm no longer on anything. I'm sober. I'm completely, one hundred percent fuckin' sober, and that's terrifying." 

"How come?" I pressed harder, but still trying my best to remain as gentle as possible. 

"'Cause- Like- I don't know how to be fuckin' sober. I haven't been since I was like, sixteen! Sure, maybe I ain't have a problem then, or even until I started workin' on 8 Mile, but I mean..." He shrugged once more. "Drugs have always been apart of my life. Fuck, even alcohol too. How the fuck am I supposed to just survive without 'em? How do people do this shit? And I'm tryna look through old pictures to figure out how the fuck I used to do it, but I have no idea. It's scary as fuck bein' sober!"

I nodded. "It is scary, you're right. Like the thought of havin' to deal with somethin' and not havin' a substance there to fall back on? That's terrifying to people like me and you who have always used 'em to help mask shit. To help not feel shit. But Marshall," picking up a loose photograph of Marshall with an infant-sized Hailie, I pointed to it. "This lil' twenty-something baby boy with the entire weight of the world on his shoulders, saw no other option than to not feel shit. He had no other mechanisms to get him through the day of being a broke artist, and a young dad." Putting the photo down, I brought my single pointer finger towards his chest. "But now you do. And for the last four months, you've been doin' a really amazing fuckin' job at it.... So don't think you can't do it... 'Cause you can." 

"So- So you ain't worried that I'm gonna relapse or somethin'? That thought hasn't crossed your mind once?" 

"Marshall, it's not that it hasn't. 'Course it has. But if you do, we'll figure it out. You can't be scared of what hasn't happened yet." 

Nodding, I watched as he gently grabbed a single photo from under a large stack. "Y'know, thats what I used to say to you back in the day when I would be tryna convince ya to be with me." 

Handing me the picture, immediately my eyes went wide as I recognized the incredibly old photo of us perched on the hood of Denaun's car, Marshall's arms wrapped loosely around my shoulder and waist as I was laughing at something off to the side. "Oh my god!" I yelped. "This had to be like, only my second or third time in Detroit ever!" I smiled, briefly making eye contact with him before quickly looking back down at the forgotten photograph. "Aww, we were so young. We look so happy..." Trailing off, I whispered, "I miss that..."

Continuing to stare longingly at the photo, a short period of silence fell upon us. "You do?" Marshall's deep, husky voice rang in my ears, earning my head to be slowly turned towards him. "I do." 

Nodding, I whispered, "me too." As our eyes remained locked on one another's, an undeniable tension began to rise. Moving my soft gaze towards his dampened lips, we continued sitting in silence for what felt like hours, quietly assessing one another's features. 

Looking back up towards his emotional eyes, I noticed as his lips parted gently. "I miss you, Angel." His low voice whispered. 

Releasing a shallow breath from between my lips, I desperately replied, "I miss you too." Instantly flying off of my chair, I shoved it back a few inches just as Marshall's greedy hands attached themselves to my waist, quickly guiding me to straddle his lap. 

Doing as I was told, my arms flew around his neck as his hands quickly made their way under my hair, threading his fingers through and forcing my lips onto his as fast as he could get them. Immediately tasting his familiar flavour, our mouths moulded together, synchronizing almost as soon as they touched. 

Quickly bringing our tongues into the mix, they began to lap over one another with such extreme passion and intensity, I thought I might pass out from the lack of air. Refusing to pay my worries any mind, the wet muscles continued their hot-blooded saliva exchange as I quickly decided he was the only air I needed. 

Abruptly pulling his lips from mine, he headed towards my neck, immediately and viciously attacking the soft skin and contracting arteries. Rolling my head back as far as I could get it, a few rough moans rumbled from within me, my nails digging deep into his scalp as I allowed him to continue his lustful work.

Feeling as my panties were becoming dampened, I quickly remembered what he had told me about the no sex rule. Internally kicking myself, I slowly began running my hands towards the sides of his cheeks. "Marshall-" I husked, applying a slight pressure to my palms so hopefully he would get the hint. "Marshall- Baby-" Finally feeling as his lips dislodged from my still extended neck, I gently guided his head upwards. "We have to stop." I breathed sharply, his dark eyes meeting mine. Pausing for a moment as our chests heaved in harmony, I finally found some air. "We have to stop." I breathed once more, my tone turning quiet. 

"Is it me?" He deadpanned. 

Shaking my head, my brows furrowed. "Marshall, no, 'course not." Gently readjusting my hands on his cheeks, I allowed my thumbs to softly caress his skin. "It's the rule, remember?" 

He nodded gently in understanding. "Do you still love me, though?" 

As a soft smile crept onto my lips, I lightly leaned my forehead against his. "Always, Marshall. I've always loved you." 

Running his hands over the back of my hair, he lightly cocked his head upwards, leaving a soft, longer than normal, peck against my lips. "I love you in ways you wouldn't even be able to comprehend, Angel." 

Nodding, I kept that same soft smile on my lips as I locked my eyes onto his. "I believe you." Giving me one last kiss, his arms unravelled themselves as he allowed me to move off of him. 

"I ain't gon' ask whether or not this means we're back together now 'cause I know I ain't allowed to be datin', but I just want you to know that you the only I'm waitin' for." 

As my smile grew wider, I extended my palm back towards his cheek. "Me too."