Queen Bee

September 2005 (1)

It was the beginning of my third week in rehab, meaning I only had one more week to go before I was discharged, and yet, I decided it was time for me to leave. I don't know why I didn't just stick out the extra week, but I really truly just felt like I couldn't do it anymore. Being stuck in there, it never got any easier. In fact, I honestly think it just got harder the longer I stayed. And by the third week mark, I considered myself officially off the pills. Officially off of everything, actually. So what the fuck was the point in staying any longer? I did what I was there to do, which was get clean. Well, I'm clean now, so I may as well go be clean at home rather than in some random fuckin' twin bed in a shoe box of a room as far as I'm concerned.

I've only been back home for a day, and everybody knows I'm home, well... Everybody except Angel. Nobody really seems to care that I left early, Paul told me as long as happy with my decision that that's all he cares about, but I know that isn't all Angel cares about. I'm fully aware I'm gonna have to face her eventually, and I do wanna talk to her. I miss her so fuckin' much, and I'm hopin' I might be able to convince her to fly out here with Des to come see me and the girls, but I'm just so nervous of her reaction. I know she's gonna be mad, disappointed, and whatever the fuck else, but honestly she's gotta understand that it's my decision. And I am clean! That should be enough to appease her in my opinion. Who cares if I was there the extra week or not? If I'm clean, then I'm clean. That's what she always wanted so I don't think she can be too mad at me. But who knows? I guess we'll see whenever I man the fuck up enough to call her.

Continuing to toss and turn in bed as my anxiety filled mind refused to stop with nothing but thoughts of Angel, I finally gave in figuring it was already ten in the morning and I had quite literally been up the entire night. If I haven't fallen asleep yet, it's definitely not gonna happen with the obnoxious ass sun shining through my windows.

Feeling annoyed at how fucked up my sleeps been since I stopped taking the pills, I shoved the covers off of me, quickly tossing my legs over the edge before stomping my way into the bathroom. This is exactly why the fuck I started taken 'em in the first place! I ain't got no pill problem, I got a sleepin' problem. Maybe I should go to the doctor and see what the fuck that's about, 'cause I can't keep staying up literally the entire night, I'll go fuckin' crazy.

After finishing up with my morning piss, I sauntered my way back towards the bed, quickly snatching my phone from the nightstand before casually sprawling back out onto the comfortable mattress that I had missed so much. Even if I can't sleep, I'm at least gonna lay here and do nothing.

Flipping open my phone, I was quickly hit with numerous missed phone calls and numerous angry texts... All from Angel. Immediately feeling my heart sink downwards into my stomach, I reluctantly began going through them.

(1) Missed call from: Angel

(1) Missed call from: Angel

(1) Missed call from: Angel

From: Angel

"Marshall U better answer me!!!"

(1) Missed call from: Angel

(1) Missed call from: Angel

From: Angel

"I know ur at home!!!!! U think I'm fucking stupid???"

From: Angel

"Zoe told me everything!!! I can't fucking believe U!!!!"

Nervously swallowing the thickened saliva my mouth had been creating, I realized she's a lot more fucking mad than I thought she was gonna be. Reluctantly going into her contact, I paused before hitting the talk button. Maybe I should just ignore her for a few days? Let her settle down before we speak. Or maybe I could- Immediately forcing my thoughts to be cut off, Angel's contact once again lit up my entire phone screen with an incoming call. Fuck. Fuck, shit, fuck. What do I do?! What do I do?! Ah, fuck! God damn it! Smashing my thumb against the talk button without even thinking, I quickly brought the phone up towards my ear. "Yo." I casually answered. Yeah, that's good, Marshall. She can't be that mad if I ain't make a big deal outta it.