Queen Bee

August 2004 (1)

Heading into the club where my 28th birthday was being held, I was absolutely fuckin' floored by how beautiful everything looked. There were huge, pink, three dimensional letters floating above the stage all spelling out happy birthday, directly under them was a DJ playing what sounded like my all time favourite tracks, and in the centre of the club was a massively oversized cake with about five different tiers. The logo for my record label was plastered almost everywhere, including a huge light that was shining across the ceiling, and all three of my album covers were blown up to an extraordinary size, posted along the far wall. It was absolutely fuckin' amazing, and I didn't realize how much I really missed these big types of birthdays until I stepped inside. Sure, in Detroit we had rented out clubs for my birthday, but it was never to this scale. I honestly don't know if Detroit even has the infrastructure for something massive like this. But as long as New York does, you can always leave it to Diddy to take full advantage. 

Only within moments of entering the darkened club, I was greeted by numerous label executives, Diddy, other New York rappers I had become friendly with over the years including Nas, members of Wu Tang, Big L, Jadakiss, Jay-Z, and by proxy Beyoncé who I ended up talking with probably way longer than I should have, Lauryn Hill, Fat Joe, DMX, Mase, and a few others that I've fucked at one point or another. Thankfully though, there was seemingly no awkward tension between me or any of those guys. Prodigy included. They were all able to just talk to me like adults, wish me a happy birthday, while a few of them definitely were tryna flirt with me, but that was fine. It's been a minute since I've flirted with anyone, so it felt nice. Although, I don't think I'm really interested. I think moving on from Marshall also has to mean moving on from all the other men I used to fuck around with. None of them serve me a purpose anymore. Been there, done that is kinda my headspace at the moment. I need new dick, uncharted dick. Undiscovered dick. 

Yanking Zoe's hand, I began guiding me, her, and Jill deeper into the club, leaving Denaun and Aidan behind talking to god knows who. The farther in we got, the more people that approached me. Not wanting to be rude, I tried my best to talk to all of them and thanked them from coming, but still, I was antsy to get to our reserved spot and start drinking. 

Once we finally made it through the sea of people, we found our spot and plopped ourselves down in our respective seats. Immediately, all three of us began cracking open the untouched liquor bottles, guzzling back as much as we could in the shortest amount of time. Realizing this was the first time I had ever gone out with Jill, I was so excited she seemed to be having so much fun with us. Especially considering I don't think she's ever been able to go out that much, or at least not recently since they've had Brooklyn. But I haven't either ever since Des was born, so it felt good for the two of us to just be able to turn off the mom mode for one night. Or a whole month for me since Des is with Marshall, but still. A night with no work, no kids, just us and as much alcohol as we could possibly drink. 

After about forty five minutes, Aidan and Denaun had found their way back to us but I really had to piss. Getting up, the girls offered to come with, but I declined, deciding they probably wanted to hang out with their dudes. Or at least I always did when I was drunk. It was damn near impossible to pull me from Marshall when we were drinking... And on good terms, of course. But still. I know that instinct all too well, so not wanting to come off as bitter and single, I told them to stay. 

Making my way through the crowd, my drunk brain began to betray me, flooding my mind with nothing but thoughts of Marshall. Maybe I didn't make the right decision. Maybe I should have stayed. It's been six months since we broke up, and while I'm slowly but surely getting my career back on track, was it worth it? Was it worth losing him? Was it worth losing our family? Maybe things weren't as bad as I made them out to be in my head. Maybe he didn't actually need rehab after all. I mean, it's been six months and he's still fine... He hasn't overdosed. Nothing's happened yet. Maybe I was being dramatic. I mean I love him, I want him to be okay and healthy and happy, but maybe I was out of line with demanding rehab. Fuck, I don't know why I miss him so much right now. I think it's just hard for me to be around other couples who all seem so happy, who all seem to have everything I ever wanted with Marsh-