Queen Bee

July 2005 (4)

After putting Des down for his bedtime, I couldn't help myself from anxiously pacing the whole entire house as I waited for Marshall. There is just so many things that could go wrong over these next few days, and it fucking terrifies me. He didn't even give me any time to think when he asked if he could come stay here, he just sprung it on me! And I said yes like an idiot! It's not that I don't wanna see him, of course I do. I'm so proud of him for choosing to go to rehab, that's such an amazing step he's taking, but that doesn't mean he's totally changed! He could still come here and treat me the exact same way he has been. He could still call me names, yell at me, I mean fuck! He's not sober yet! He could come in here high outta his goddamn mind for all I know... Shit. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. No, I know this wasn't a good idea. But how could I say no?! He needs me right now, and I always told him all he had to do was get sober, and I'd be there. I wanna remain true to that, but it's scary. It's scary opening myself up again to someone who's hurt me so badly. And continually, too! But at the end of the day... Marshall's Marshall. And I'ma always ride or die for that boy. So if he's ready to start getting sober, then I'm ready to start letting him back in. 

As I nervously cleaned almost everything in site, I had no idea how much time had past. I refused to even look at the clock. I know if I look at that damn thing and see it's anywhere even near nine, I'm gonna be an absolute fucking wreck. Even more than I already am right now! So, instead of looking, I just steered clear and kept my eyes on the microwave splatter as I scrubbed as hard as I could. 

Continuing on my anxious cleaning expedition, I moved my attention down from the microwave, only a few feet towards my stove. Noticing no visible stains, I shrugged. Fuck it. Doesn't mean it's not dirty. Cocking my spray bottle back, I had my fingers secured on the lever. Just as I was about to mindlessly mist the entire appliance, I heard my doorbell begin to chime. 

Immediately, my stomach dropped and a sharp inhale made its way through my nostrils. Shit. Fuck. Fuck, shit, god damn it, fuck! Quickly putting my spray bottle and rag down on the counter, I felt nothing but panic. My legs turned to jello, and I was sure I might pass out. Placing my hand strategically on my stomach in hopes the contents would remain in place, my limbs slowly started to take me towards the door. 

Turning the corner, my eyes fell upon the dark silhouette that was patiently waiting behind my frosted glass door. Get it the fuck together, Angel! You're a big girl, you can do this. Don't ever let no man intimidate you, Marshall or not. A man is a man is a man, each one more stupid than the last. He can't hurt you more than he already has. You'll be fine. You're strong. Just be strong. 

Gently unlocking the door, I inhaled a gush of bravery as my hand turned the knob. Swinging it open with purpose, I was met with big, vulnerable-looking eyes, and a nervous twitch of his lips as he was seemingly stuck between wanting to smile, and not wanting to show emotion. 

"Hey." I anxiously rasped, deciding I needed to be the one to take the first step. 

"How you doin'?" He replied back, his tone matching mine as our eyes studied one another's. 

"Good." I nodded, cautiously moving my body out of the way as I opened the door wider for him. Without saying another word, he followed my lead and sauntered his way inside, his heavy bags in hand. "How-" Turning to close the door, I cleared my throat. "How are you? How was your flight?" I asked, slowly but surely beginning to find my confidence once again. 

"Uh- Yeah-" Gently setting his bags down, he turned to me. "Yeah, it was good." 

 "Good." I nodded once more, my lips tugging into a soft smile. "I'm glad." 

Staring at me for a moment, his eyes refused to leave mine. Gently licking his lips, I felt as a faint heartbeat started in my wet centre. Goosebumps began to raise all over my skin, and I was sure my nipples were beginning to slowly grow. "I missed you." He rasped, his low tone sending shivers down my spine.