Queen Bee

March 2004 (4)

Laying in bed as I tossed and turned, it was officially four fucking weeks since Angel had been gone. I'm not gonna lie, I was really starting to feel panicked, and lonely, and sad. All I fucking want at this point is just for her to come back. I know I've said fucked up shit to her, I know I don't appreciate her enough, I know I don't treat her the best sometimes, so I just don't know what the fuck else she's tryna prove at this point?! I miss her, I need her, I love her, she's gotten her point across. I just want her the fuck home! I can't handle this shit anymore. It's like a piece of my fuckin' soul is missing when she's gone, and she just doesn't fuckin' care! It's been nothin' but me doin' all the heavy lifting to try and get us back in a good spot, she hasn't contributed at fucking all. All she does is say no. To everything! She doesn't wanna come back home, she doesn't wanna talk, she doesn't wanna do anything until I agree to go to rehab, but I ain't fuckin' goin'! I ain't goin' 'cause I ain't my mom. That's a true fuckin' addict, not me. Angel just obviously can't tell the fuckin' difference. 

As I continued rolling from one side to the other, I decided I couldn't handle this shit anymore. I don't give a fuck if it's 2am. I'm goin' to get Angel, and I'm goin' to get my son. Shoving the blankets off of me, I hopped out of bed as fast as I could. Ripping a hoodie from out of my closet, I tossed it on as I headed for the the stairs, whipping my phone out. 

To: Angel

"Wake up. I'm coming 2 get U."

Shoving the phone deep into my sweats pocket, I marched directly towards the garage, unlocking my SUV as fast as I could. As soon as the garage door opened just wide enough, I immediately began reversing, my foot heavy on the gas. Reaching the end of the drive way, I turned the wheels so fast I'm pretty sure I left skid marks as I listened to the tires squeal. 

Speeding through the residential area, my mind was racing just as fast as I blew through multiple red lights and stop signs. Oh well. I'm lucky it's so late I guess. The longer I drove, the more I realized there's a very real chance she could try and call the cops on me for doing this. Whatever. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'll go to jail over her any fuckin' day. 

As my foot became heavier and heavier on the pedal, I made it to Denaun's in record time. Pulling into the driveway, I could see the room Angel was staying in still had it's lights beaming through the window. Either she's been up the entire time, or I woke up her up. Either way, she better come outside unless she's tryna 'cause a scene tonight. 

Pulling my phone back out, I realized I had missed two calls from her, plus a text. 

From: Angel

"I'm not coming home!!!!"

Rather than texting her back, I decided to just call her. Hopefully this'll make the process go much smoother. Hitting the call button, I brought the phone up to my ear. Within seconds, I saw the curtains of her room be pulled open and her angry looking face stared back at me through the window. Quickly drawing the blinds back together once more, the ringing was cut off. 

"What the fuck do ya think you're doin', Marshall?!" She quietly spat. 

"You're comin' the fuck home, Angel! Tonight! You and Des! I've fuckin' had it with this bullshit!"

"Des is sleepin'! You want me to just wake him up at two am 'cause his daddy's gone fuckin' nuts?!" 

"Yup!" 

"It's not fuckin' happenin', Marshall!" 

"JUST COME FUCKIN' OUT HERE AND TALK TO ME!" I screamed, frustration beginning to course through my veins. Not saying another word, I heard her groan, obviously feeling just as frustrated and angry as she hung up. 

Within only minutes, I saw as the front door swung open and she stepped outside, crossing her arms over her body as the cold, bitter, nighttime air of March blew through the thin fabric of her hoodie. As she stomped over to the SUV, I quickly unlocked the doors, allowing her to yank it open just as she reached it. "What the fuck is your problem?!" She yelled, climbing up the high step of the passenger side before slamming the door back shut. 

"Ya comin' back home!" I yelled back. 

"No I'm not!" 

"Yes the fuck ya are! I'm done with this bullshit! I get it! I fucked up! Can we just move the fuck on, please?!" 

"Go to rehab!" 

"NO!" 

"THEN WE'RE DONE, MARSHALL! We're done! I love you, but I ain't fuckin' doin' this with you anymore! We ain't never gon' come to an agreement so I'm over it! Those drugs do nothin' but make you mean, vindictive, manipulative, I ain't even know who the fuck you are anymore! I'm gettin' my own place and we're fuckin' over!"

"Gettin' ya own place?! Where at, huh?! Stop fuckin' bullshittin' me, Angel-" 

"I'VE ALREADY BEEN LOOKIN'! THAT'S WHY I WAS UP TONIGHT TO COME AND TALK TO YOUR STUPID ASS!" She screamed. 

Feeling my heart immediately drop into my stomach, all the anger I once felt quickly got swept away and replaced with nothing but shock and confusion. "You ain't been lookin'..." I spoke thickly. 

Without another word, all she did was shove the palm of her hand into my face, revealing numerous house addresses that had been jotted down in pen. "I ain't been lookin'?! What the fuck are these then?!" 

"Angel-" I said quietly, gently bringing my eyes back up to her rage-filled ones. 

"I waited for ya, Marshall. I gave ya all the time in the world to get your shit together, but you refused. You said it was the pills over me. You made ya bed, fuckin' lie in it." 

"Angel, ya can't fuckin' do this to me-" 

"Oh I can't?! You said I wouldn't, yet here I am! Shoulda thought about that before ya started actin' all tough, before ya started thinkin' it was me that needed you. It was never me that needed you. It was always you that needed me. But ya got too comfortable. Ya took advantage of me. Ya took advantage of the love I have for you, and I'm done. I'm done with ya attitude, I'm done with ya name callin', I'm done with ya not helpin' me, I'm done with ya puttin' your career over mine, and I'm done askin' ya to stop takin' those fuckin' pills. If this is how ya wanna live, fine. But just know I ain't gonna be apart of it anymore."

"Baby, I'm sorry!" I yelled desperately.

"Oh now ya sorry? I ain't heard that come from ya in fuckin' years, but I'm glad ya realize it now. Maybe learn to say it sooner next time." Turning in her seat, she pulled the handle, causing the door to become slightly ajar. 

"Angel please don't fuckin' leave me!" I yelled again, immediately reaching for her wrist to stop her from getting out of the car. 

Slowly, her head turned back towards me, our eyes meeting once more. "Go to rehab." She deadpanned. 

Staring at her, I felt as tears began to build up. "I don't need it." I croaked quietly. 

Gently, she tore her hand from my grip. "That was your last chance, Marshall." Bringing her attention back to the door, she opened it up wider as she started stepping down. 

"Angel if I needed it I would go!" I yelled in that same desperate tone. 

"You do need it, Marshall." Shutting the door, my vision immediately began to blur as I watched her quickly run back inside, feeling as if my heart had been torn directly from my chest, thrown onto the ground, instantly shattering on impact. I just don't understand how she can fuckin' do this to me! To us! We've come so fuckin' far and for what?! Just to have her ruin everything?! Just to have her walk out on me like I wasn't nothin' to her?! Like the family we created together wasn't nothin' to her?! Does she even know what the fuck she's doin' to me right now?! Does she even fuckin' care?! I gave her nothing but the purest form of fucking love I could, and all she did was shit on it. She knows how absolutely fuckin' nuts I've been about her since the first day I ever laid fuckin' eyes on her! How can she say I took advantage of her love, when she took advantage of mine?! Y'know what? This is what I get for fallin' in love with a bitch who never wanted to love back. But I forced her. I forced her to let me love her, and look where I ended up? Alone. Just like my mom did to me. Just like Kim did to me. And now what Angel's doing to me. I swear, I ain't never fallin' in love again.