Bed Partners

Hurting

(QING)

Dayu is cooking when I got home from work. I debated with myself if I should drive around or go to Ato's pub to kill time. Maybe come back to the condo when I am sure that Dayu is already asleep.

But I feel a headache coming and honestly, I just want to rest. So I came home and saw him...

My apparent miracle.

The one person that can push me to feel. The one who could bring out my emotions.

Dayu.

He had his back turned on me as he flip something on the pan on top of the stove. He is fully clothed for once. Pale blue shirt and cotton pants but his feet are bare. He is cooking while moving his head, neck and shoulders to the soft music that is being played on his phone.

My miracle. Is it really him?

But why don't I feel anything for Dayu when I look at him now? Or if I am feeling something for him, it's surely not love or lust or anything close to that two.

What I feel for Dayu is like what I feel for Ato, Kim and Pete. I feel easy and comfortable with him. But aside from that, and a bit of gratitude because he took care of me when I was in a coma, I feel nothing for him.

How is he my miracle?

I knew it. It was a fluke. It couldn't be. I am not gay. Why will I fall for a guy? It should be a girl.

Or is it because of my amnesia? If you lost you memory, do you also lost your feelings for a person? Oh, that is dangerous for a person like me. My emotions are sketchy at best, if I lost more feelings too...that's just too much.

I stared at Dayu's back. Then I felt a pinch in my chest for him. This I can recognize. I feel pity for him. How far did our relationship went? Did I promised him things?

But I still intent to marry Kim? Does that mean that I left Dayu to keep my promise to Kim? Is that why he is leaving for the US before I can get married? Did I hurt Dayu?

So many questions I want to ask him. So many things I want to find out about the years I lost because of my amnesia.

Someone must be laughing now, gods or fate, I don't know but they must be having quite a laugh at me right now. Life already gave me a trial with my alexithymia. My condition had complicated my life enough yet apparently someone is still not happy with my predicaments, life also let me meet my miracle just to snatch my memory of him through amnesia.

It's like a "fuck you" to me.

"Fuck you, you only have problems with your emotions, let's mess up your brain too. Here is an amnesia. Enjoy."

Like that.

Fuck.

"Welcome home," I woke up from thinking when Dayu's voice pierced my conciousness. He finally turned his back and look at me.

I stared at him. And made a decision right there and then.

I don't want Dayu to know that I know our "real" relationship before my accident and amnesia. I can't let him know that I know that we fell in love with each other.