Bed Partners

Introduction and First Secret

Tape 1, Side A

Okay...how am I supposed to do this?

I guess an introduction is needed first. I'm sorry if I am a bit unsure but you see, this is the first time that I will do something like this.

What is this, actually? You might all ask. I am also not sure.

You see...it all started when my mother asked me to talk to a psychologist for a series of questioning and talk sessions.

Well, like most people, I questioned my mother's decision to ask me to see a psychologist. I said, "Why should I see a psychologist, I am not crazy."

Well, that question will be my mistake number two. Mistake number one is arguing with my mother. Tip: Don't ever argue with your mother if you are a guy that can't afford your own house yet. Or at least an apartment. And if you don't want to upset your mother. So don't argue with her.

Apparently, not all people who talked to psychologist are crazy people. Most of them just need someone who will listen to them without any judgement. Some people talk to psychologist because they are lonely and needed someone to listen to them.

Well, I said I am not lonely. I think I the gayest person on Earth today. See what I did there. Yeah, a word play. You see, I am gay. And supposedly, they say gay people are happy people and we seldom get lonely but that is stereotyping and I don't like that.

Let me make this clear. Not all gay people are happy and merry. Don't stereotype us. Having said that...

I am not lonely.

Still, I lost that argument and I saw a psychologist, one week ago.

The psychologist is a middle aged, short and plumpy woman, who made me talk for one whole hour. She just let me talk while she sat there and listen to me. I mostly talk about mundane things about me. Like my job, my party crazy friends and my school background.

Then after me talking for almost an hour. The psychologist said, "You have a lot of things you bottled up inside you. You are not so good at expressing your inner thinking."

My eyebrow raised, "But I just talked here for like an hour. Nonstop. If that is not a sign of a person who is good at expressing himself, I don't know what."

The psychologist nodded, "Yes, you do talk. But your talk has no substance. The important things in your life like family and struggles and plans, you keep close to your heart."

"Maybe because I don't have a plan in my life..." I said a little acidly. Bitterly.

"But you plan to have a plan for your life one day, right?"

"Sure..." I shrugged.

The psychologist smiled, "Let's talk about that."

I clamped up. Yes, I did. She is right. I can talk and talk and talk about mundane, boring stuffs. Normal stuffs. But I don't open up myself to topics I am sensitive with. Like family and plans for my future.

So I confessed, "I think I am not good at opening myself to people I don't trust..."

"Who do you trust? Your parents...?"

"My father is dead, I only have my mother." It's me and my mother against the world, for ten years now.

"I see," The psychologist said. "Do you open up to your mother?"

"She has issues of her own..."

"So you don't?" The psychologist want me to clarify my answer. I nodded, "I am a grown up now..." I try defending myself.