✓ The Games We Play ⇔ Mileven {2nd - "Wake Up, Mike" Trilogy}

Fifty Three

Italics once again mean a dream.
I dedicate this chapter to one of my faves Stranger_Addict who gave me the idea of the dream. Check out her story!
The non-italicized part of the chapter is inspired by the song above. 99% convinced this song was written for Mike.(I use/model some lines off of some lyrics, so all rights go to Jason Walker.)

edit, 6-21-19: Throwback. I miss you -januaryembers :\

Mike.
(This is so obviously a dream because of how unrealistic it is😂)

I'm running down the road, but I can't remember why. Without thinking much, I head straight for Will's house. I run up to his door, and I knock loudly. The door swings open, and I meet a surprised Will.

"Mike? What's wrong?" he asks, and I'm crying suddenly. I step inside, wrapping my arms tight around his torso. He was stunned at first, but then he did the same and held me while I cried. "Come inside."

I slowly pull away from him, then step inside and look around at his house. The first thing I notice is the wall with the alphabet and lights on it. It reminds me of El.

"Mike, wanna go to my room?" he offers, and I nod. We walk quickly to his room, and I watch him close his door as I sit on his bed. He joins me, and it's silent. "Mike, I've been thinking about what you said. You're right, it's all my fault. I should've let you talk," he admitted, and I looked over into his eyes.

"You mean you still like me?" I asked, and he nodded firmly. "I think I like you, too," I whispered, and we were suddenly back at my house. We were sitting out back, and he repeated those familiar words.

"I know you don't like me, Mike, and I can't hurt myself like that. Kissing you would definitely ruin lots of things..." he started, but I cut him off before he could continue. I do what I should've done last time.

"Ok, what if I said I want to kiss you?" I rushed out, then my cheeks went red. He looked at me with shocked eyes, and I only blushed more. "I mean, only if you want to," I whispered, and he then looked at me like I was insane.

Before I knew it, he was leaning towards me, and I was following his lead. I wasn't thinking about it, it was just happening. It came naturally. I was the one to close the gap, and I immediately felt a tingly feeling. His lips met mine and I smiled to myself a bit.

-
(What Mike does may seem dumb or silly at first, but it is not. Sit there and imagine it, close your eyes and see it as if it's happening in the show. Think about why he's doing it, and what he's feeling. You will be hit hard, because I think this is one of the most depressing things I've ever written.)

I jerked awake, my breathing heavy. I looked around, and I was in my bed. In my room. Not with Will.

I looked towards the window, and the sun is just starting to come up. I sighed, climbing out of bed slowly. Yesterday, all I could think about was that day with El. I miss it so much, and I'd do anything to go back.

Last night, I have a dream about kissing my best friend.

Both of these things have left me a reminder that I'm alone. No more El, no more Will, I'm alone. My sister is gone, which has me going ballistic trying to figure out where she is. Dustin doesn't calm down about Max, and honestly, I'm just as worried about her. Lucas never seems ok anymore, but he's the glue keeping us all intact.

Physically, I'm surrounded by people. Mentally and emotionally? It's as if I'm the last human being to walk this earth. And it's terrifying.

I walked fully to my window, peering out and into my driveway. I quickly noticed that my mom isn't home, which means my dad is home. He's easy to get around, especially if he's sleeping. I can leave for a few hours and be home before my mom, it wouldn't be hard.

I got dressed and slowly left my room, creeping down the stairs. I was about halfway down when I heard my dad snoring, relief washing over me. He sleeps like a rock.

I hurried into the garage and opened it, rushing myself completely. If I leave fast, hopefully there's less chance of him hearing me.

I rode down the road slowly, just thinking about my dream. I tried calling Will last night, but he flat out said he didn't want to talk. I wasn't expecting him to talk to me, he's been ignoring me for days. He thinks I'm being unfair, and I think he's being selfish. It's a mess, truly.

And this dream has only convinced me more, it's utter chaos. I had a dream about kissing him, what is that supposed to mean? And...why did I enjoy it?

What kills me most about all of this is the fact that Will could save me. A few small words, a whisper, that's all it takes. He could at least try to chase this craziness out of my head, but he won't try. He's given up on me.

El is gone, Will is ignoring me, I'm alone. Completely alone.

I don't know why, but I ended up at the Quarry. Looking at the cliff that I jumped off of had me feeling sick. I felt as if a rock just formed in my stomach, but I got off my bike and walked closer. I didn't stand on the very edge this time, but I was still really close. I looked down, the knot in my stomach growing. This reminds me of El, this reminds me of my dark thoughts. This reminds me of what it was like to wish for death, and I don't like it. I no longer want to die, I just wish I didn't have to go through all of this pain. Especially alone.

I stood there, and closed my eyes tight. I listened, and it was nearly silent. I just want someone to be here, and for someone to care. What if I wanted to jump? I could, no one would know. I want someone to show up and yell for me to stop, but no one will. No one ever will.

I looked back down, stepping just a tiny bit closer. I watched my shadow move under the rising sun, and I gave a weak smile as my eyes started to glaze over with tears. I think I've come to the point where the sight of my own shadow makes me feel less alone. It's truly the only friend that I have now. I'm my own friend. No one else is here to save me.

Tears started rolling down my face as I closed my eyes tight again, vocally letting out a few sobs. I stood there and cried, my feet wanting to move. My body itching to jump.

"Mike!" I suddenly let out, yelling my own name as loud as I could. My voice cracked and broke as my words ripped from my throat, and my sobs only got louder. I kept yelling my name, and I kept hearing my voice echo back. I heard it and squeezed my eyes shut tight, pretending it was someone else's voice. Will, El, anyone. But it's not enough.

I just need to feel alive, I'd do anything to feel alive. Right now, that seems impossible, and I feel like the only one that could fix that for me is El. I'd do anything to see her face again, and I know she's out there, I feel it.

With that in mind, I have a silent battle in my head. A full fledged war between my emotions and my conscience. It's not long before I bring my hands up to my hair and grasp it tightly, a frustrated sob leaving my lips as I force my feet away from the edge. I practically fall back, sitting on the ground, my legs pulled to my chest. I cry, and I cry.

I just want to feel alive.

-

Ok...fuck. I've never written something so powerful. So heartbreaking, so moving. His pain is something I can't even comprehend, but I wrote this and I believe I perfectly mimicked what his emotions would be. I've never been more proud of myself. I've never believed in myself so much.
I'm sorry this took so long to put up, but I believe it's more than worth it. I hope you enjoyed, and I hope you were able to envision and feel his pain.
-Marlie.

edit, 6-21-19: Yeah highkey this is still one of those most intense things I've ever written. I apologize deeply to anyone that doesn't understand this or doesn't feel the emotions that I tried to portray.