Finding the Right Words

Chapter 73- My River Runs to Thee

I curled into a ball on the wooden floor, hoping that if I made myself small enough, I could disappear entirely. I wondered what had happened to Sungmin. I wondered what the press had pinned on me to make me look absolutely awful and cowardly. I wondered a good many things as I curled tighter and tighter into myself, but never having the courage to go and find any of them out. I wanted to disappear, so they would all just go away.

I heard the door creak open, then footsteps, then the sound of someone sitting down next to me. I didn't have to open my eyes to know who it was. I could tell. 

"The official story the company came up with is that you weren't yet used to media pressure for our relationship, and panicked. But they're saying that it's done, we don't have to pretend anymore. We'll release the information tomorrow. You couldn't handle the stress of a celebrity relationship, and wanted to focus on your training. It's over, Minsung. It's done." Sungmin spoke softly.

I uncurled from my ball, staring at the blue sky pattern of the wall. Well, more staring through it than at it. My eyes may as well have still been closed. "Oppa, did you know that I thought I was in love with you? I mean, sometimes I thought it was real. That I was in love with Oppa, and Oppa wouldn't return that feeling."

"I did."

"You probably thought I was delusional, huh? Well, maybe I was. I wasn't even in love with you. I just mixed up everything, not even knowing what I felt. I'm sorry, Oppa. I didn't know anything."

He leaned back against the wall, then looked up at the ceiling, not saying anything, so I kept talking. "I just got so confused. Did Oppa mean everything he said? Was he just playing to the media? It all blended together. I would follow you to the end of the earth, no matter what. I always did whatever Oppa said, no questions. Because I idolize you. I love you because you are wonderful to me. But it was a lie. Maybe I just got so into the acting that I couldn't see reality anymore. And that scares me. But it won't happen anymore."

I held up the little silver ring that I'd been rolling around in my hand, actually looking at him for the first time. "Take it," I demanded, setting it in his hand when he finally did. "From now on, Oppa will find girls who truly love him. And I'll find someone I actually love, and not some ridiculous fantasy. I only hope that Oppa won't avoid me after this. After it all, Oppa is still my favorite."

By now he has stretched out onto the floor next to me, looking up at the ceiling. "Of course, Minsung. You're still the ELF Queen. I couldn't avoid you even if I wanted to. Which I don't. You're just a kid. I understand. Everything is fine."

"I guess the story SM gave wasn't too far off the mark," I sniffled in an attempted laugh. "I couldn't handle it, so ran away. I ran all the way here."

"It took me a while to find you. I looked in the cafe, in the vocal training room, in your dance practice room, yet you're here, in Super Junior's practice room."

I laughed, slightly, "I felt a little bit better in here. There's just something about something that so definitely belongs to all of you that helps my heart calm down. I didn't even think about it. Somehow I was just here."

"Well, Minsung, I don't think you've changed after all. You still come to us for everything. But I think sometimes you forget that we're only human. We don't know everything."

"I know. I do. That's why I trust you." I sighed, closing my eyes. "Thank you for being so patient, Oppa."

"You didn't give me a choice," he giggled, and then the sound of his high, squeaky laugh made me giggle, and then we were both laying on the floor, giggling like complete weirdos. I felt much better.