Finding the Right Words

Chapter 50- I Prom15e

Now that I had an empty spot in my trainee schedule, I spent extra time going to the company to practice and rehearse on my own time. I went to the songwriters' building, getting help and advice from them, although in many ways they weren't too much help, because their English was terrible. But at least they helped me when it came to composition. I did some studying on famous Korean singers from the past, so I wouldn't be lost when my idols talked about their idols. 

Of course, I also spent some of the time doing personal things, such as making my jewelry, watching dramas, and drawing the members. Of all of the members, Sungmin was the hardest to draw, I realized with frustration. It was really hard to capture all of his Sungmin-ness.

But, more than anything, I tried to get a job. Starvation was starting to take its toll on me. I was starting to get light-headed during the days, and was tormented by frequent headaches that made it difficult for me to concentrate. I got rather irritable, snapping at the smallest bit of teasing, something I did my best to hide around the members. Fortunately, seeing them, and the members of FASE often included food, so I was usually able to keep it in check. FASE was my saving grace, in a way. Every time we would hang out, they'd pay for my meal, saying that they knew I wasn't eating well, so it was the least they could do for me. I always complained, saying that I shouldn't rely on them so much, but I was really extremely grateful. 

Wanting to maintain a good singing voice, I allowed myself to spend a little bit of extra money on tea, but it meant less money for food. I knew my family would kill me if they saw me living like that, but I just couldn't make myself ask them for help. I would always have to carry that debt on my shoulders, and I carried enough of that as it was.

Unfortunately, SM wasn't being very cooperative on the whole getting-a-job thing. They kept saying that a part-time job would distract us from our training, and we should just get financial help from our families. No matter how much Min Hee and I tried to explain that we couldn't, because our families were so far away, they never gave in, encouraging us to focus on our training, because the harder we trained, the sooner we'd debut, and the sooner we debuted, the sooner we could start making money as artist of SM, or some bulls*** like that. So we went jobless, stretching every check we got until they had only a few Won left. 

Instead, in one of my first weeks of freedom, SM decided to fill that empty space in my schedule for a certain day by having me translate for the investors again. The exhibition was smaller this time, just being a feature of the SuJu members, something I was okay with. Apparently they were trying to get a few clothing deals. At least, that's what Henry told me.

They seemed happy when I was the one who greeted them at the door again. "Ah, it's the lovely little Melissa! Are you still doing well at SM?"

"Yes, sir. I think my skills as an artist have improved a lot since we last met," I replied, putting on my most charming smile.

"Have you lost weight, Melissa? You've gotten very pretty."

"Why thank you, sir! Yes, I have. I'm delighted you noticed." I starved myself for months while continuing to work out so I could gain muscle while my ribs worked their way through my skin. Would you happen to have any food? I can't afford any.

"That's wonderful! It's incredible to see the diversity here at SM, with a trainee such as yourself. We watched your performance with the ukulele. Very lovely." 

If they kept going with the compliments, I would become self-centered. "Oh, well, it all comes with training. Now please, ladies and gentlemen, if you could just follow me this way..."

They chittered and chattered while they followed me, occasionally asking questions, and talking about how wonderful a place SM seemed. While my stomach growled, I tried to keep the smile on, just going along with their thoughts and trying not to let the truth show. This would all go down someday. All of this lying, all of this torture and pain...