Genre: YA - Drama
The grass on top of the hill wasn't as soft as the ones in my mother's garden. They were a bit prickly and were overall uncomfortable, but there's a sense of safety going back to my safe place. Like there's a huge and protective wing covering me and all my fears; like I'm not carrying the weight of the things that he did on my shoulders. The more I think about being disassociated, the more I see the things around me. Even the stars though I can't see them, even the moon behind the clouds.
I was seven when we first met. It was my brother's birthday party, and somehow my parents sent an invitation card to this family that I never even heard of. But it was easy to make friends at seven: no pretense about the bands you like, no lies about cool things to impress others, just a box of monopoly and a stranger. We were good to go. He, who I just met back then, was cool, though. He had a skateboard with him, so we played outside instead. The monopoly board was left in my room.
I was nine when they moved in our apartment building. I was more than happy, I felt excited and a bit terrified that he would discover my secret shoebox full of pokemon cards as I predicted that he would come over often. He used to love Pokemon as much as I do, no pretense, no lies. By the time he stepped in front of our door, I gave up the selfishness seething inside my head and showed him those cards myself.
I was eleven when we went to a city sixty miles away from ours using only our bicycles. It was summertime and there was nothing on the television but re-runs of our favorite cartoons. Same old Tom and Jerry and the wizard that gave them a magic ring. It was hotter than we expected but a call for adventure got into our heads. So we pedaled all to nowhere until we got somewhere. We were soaked with sweat and we were eating cornflakes that he grabbed before we left. We immediately pedaled home. Our parents thought we were just around the neighborhood. Nobody knew.
I was thirteen when he went away for a while. He told me that he'd be staying with his father's friend for a week, just doing things like hiking and fishing. This was the only thing that made us opposites: he liked going outdoors while I'm more of an indoor person. God, he loved going out and I should've known, and I could've saved him and erase everything that he will do. But I was thirteen and I was just as clueless as he was. I,too, thought his father's friend was the coolest man ever. It's a universal plot twist: the good guy turned out to be an asshole. I missed him a lot that week, so I just played video games that I never even touched before. He came back on a Tuesday, all different. I think I was the only one who noticed. He didn't talk to me for another week, and when he did, it ended up in a fist fight because I asked him if he was okay. Our parents were oblivious, of course. Boys will be boys. We became friends again later on, but he never told me what happened. At least not yet.
I was fifteen when we were hanging out in his room when he paused the video game that we were playing. I heard a sigh and the mattress creaking. It all trickled down within a fourth of a second. How he thought that week from two years ago was fun and how he was wrong. How he thought that his father's friend was the best and how he was wrong. How he was shown how to get the "best feeling ever" and how he knew it was wrong. He could've told someone, I could've told someone, but alas, we didn't. He cried a lot, I did too. It was a night in my best friend's room and neither of us could look at each other. We played video games again. We passed out around 4 a.m.
I was seventeen when we were standing inside an asian store at midnight. The night smelled good and we were picking up Japanese Kitkats with different flavors. He'd been trying to get in touch with their church for some time. His parents were really proud that he's being all religious. He even made friends with this little boy and his family. He liked the boy. I knew, the kid didn't. I stood in the middle of aisle 6 while listening to him about how he's lucky that the kid's family was allowing him to stay over at their house once in a while; how it was nice that he was closer to the kid more than ever. My best friend was ecstatic and I was concerned. I warned him that the kid, who was eight, had know idea what was going on and he insisted that the kid was smart. It went on for a couple of months until a video containing a kiss on the cheek went to something that's far more than what I expected. Maybe I did predict, but never have I thought that it would happen. I felt dirty; I felt sorry for the kid. I felt like a casualty in a war that I'm not really in. Nobody knew. I started avoiding him, and when he picked up the signal that I was giving, he started glaring at me everytime we see each other. Maybe he thought it would scare me.
I was nineteen when I was asked by my parents why I never hang out with him anymore. I told them that friends drift apart; it's something normal. In reality, I don't even know what normal is anymore. I heard the kid went a bit crazy. A young soul put out to waste because of a thing that nobody asked for. Maybe it was too much for an eight year old to handle. I avoided my best friend until senior graduation. We congratulated each other, I did mine without actually looking at him. I can't.. Maybe if I was more hostile, I would've told him that he should fuck off. I moved out for college a week later.
I was twenty-one when I saw him again after the long hazy drive home with my father. He was wearing a hoodie and I bet he saw me too. It was the first time I saw him personally since the graduation. I passed him, he passed me too. There's just too much to say and too much to hear. Though I want to know how he's doing now, I don't think I would be able to actually confront him. I went to my safe place right after I unpacked my bags.. My father might have been worried, but college probably fried my mind to the point of not even caring.
I used to take him to my safe place before, especially after that bedroom incident. Sometimes I miss my best friend and maybe I would regret avoiding him, but all I could do was my best before the small war consumed my entirety. There were casualties and what we are now is the aftermath. I don't know who to blame. Maybe it was really his dad's friend that started it all. Maybe it was my best friend who knew what was right and wrong. Maybe it was me who did nothing. The rain slowly poured from the skies and I can hear the thunder. I closed my eyes as I lay on the uncomfortable and wet grass. If I was in the highest point of our city, let the lightning hit me.
