Stone's Diary: Kairo

Chapter 69.) Grief

The snow was polar-white, Lucky found a calmer area to park at and Ava sat with her hands tucked inside of her coat as she watched the little kids run around throwing snowballs with a few trying to build snowmen. Remembering the days she and her siblings used to do the same, she smiled softly at the sight. Lucky sat with his seat reclined back, eyes closed and thoughts awfully loud. He explained things to Ava as best he could but the way they've been sitting in uncomfortable silence for thirty minutes, he was starting to hope that she wouldn't give a response.

His heart was practically trying to leap out of his chest and hide but he tried to keep a cool composure. He was scared. He experienced fear one time in his life and here he was, sitting, waiting on Ava to call him every name but Holy. He knew he should have told her about what he does for money long before either had fallen for one another. He also knew that things would possibly be more alarming, being that he waited so damn long to tell her.

He was scared. There was no other excuse or explanation as to why he stalled other than, he was scared. She changed his life. Him, and he was scared to lose her. She gave him his humanity back. Gave him a reason to battle his doubts. He laughed. God, he laughed more than he's ever had in his life since he met her and he wasn't ready to lose that or her.

For crying out loud, he held a baby. It may not have been for long or great for his first time but he did it. He was changing. He did change. He still had a lot of work to do but he was willing and able. But what if? What if she hated him? What if she became afraid of him? What if she never saw him as the good guy? How was he supposed to be ok with that?

Going back to the way that he used to be was an obvious option but then what? She cuts things off, his heart turns to stone and he's back to killing? Back to avoiding anything that sparked joy or hope. Back to the old him. Heartless. Mean. Careless. Intimidating. Cocky. He didn't want that. He wanted better for himself. But he was angry.

Angry that he couldn't hug his mom anymore. Angry that he couldn't save her in time. Angry that she felt as if she deserved to be mistreated just to make ends meet. He was angry that the system failed her. Them. Angry for spending his first year incarcerated knowing his little sister was forced into a group home. He was angry. Angry that he had to fight for his life every single day just to prove that he was just as tough as the others. Angry that he often got stabbed up in the shower or hallway when all he was trying to do was eat.

He wanted to get out. Be free. Anger consumed him for many years but then, he stopped. Stopped feeling. Stopped thinking and just doing. He stopped hoping. Stopped wondering. He stopped. Stopped believing. It hurt. He hated himself but then he kept himself busy. Channeled his rage into something else; killing those deemed bad. Evil. Disposable. Body after body, he continued chasing the high, fueling his anger until he no longer cared about himself.

Then he met her. Ava. His mean-ass. Headache. His heart wanted her. Wanted her for him. Because even though he wanted to fight it, his heart knew what he needed. Peace. Happiness. Comfort. Hope. A redo. She reminded him of who he used to be. The question he really wanted to ask her was if she was ready to leave him? And if so, could he handle it?

"What else are you keeping from me?" Ava finally spoke.

Not expecting that to be the first question, Lucky stared at her, "Huh?"

"Is there anything else you aren't telling me?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, Lucky sat up, "I have a sister... and aunt dat I take care of."

Remaining quiet, Ava stared out the window.

"Baby girl," he reached over and cupped her face, "I'm sorry."