Clear | Sirius Black

Twenty

End it

Guilt is something we feel as humans, well at least some of us do. It eats at you and tears your mind apart. There are times when the guilt eats at us so much that we just explode. There are also times when the guilt just sits in us and does nothing to our minds.

I asked myself everyday since the spill out in the boy's dorm "Why did it happen like that?" The question was never answered and never will be, but I still ask myself over and over again. I just wished something good could have come out of this.

Sirius still sat with us, but hardly spoke. None of us hardly spoke anymore. You could cut the silence with a knife, but there would still be no sound heard from any of us. We had nothing to say anyway. We said our "I'm sorry" to each other, but we knew that it would take time to be okay again.

James and Lily talked a lot to me about how to approach Sirius again. James was there to tell me how Sirius was like when he didn't speak and Lily was there to offer ideas of how to talk to him. But, did I really want to speak to him again?

He was so cruel and heartless when it came to how he reacted. Yes, he did have a right to have a reaction for us not telling him, but the things he said were hurtful and mean. Nothing like the Sirius I knew would say.

Things between Remus and I had stayed the same, because we were friends before and came to terms with the breakup. We had our reasons for not being together and we were okay with that at the time. Now, everything was resurfacing for me.

I didn't want to bring it up to anyone yet. Who knew what it meant? I sure didn't know, so why would anyone else know? There were too many things going around in my head. I just wanted one part of my mind to be peaceful for once.

Peaceful. That was not a word to describe the dinner scene happening in front of me. I knew it would cause something by sitting on the side with Remus and Peter, but Rosier and Avery were right behind Lily and James. I didn't want to be anywhere near them.

Sirius looked up from his plate and saw Remus and I beside each other. He had asked me about the potions work, since my partner was no longer willing to work with me anymore. I was alone for every project and assignment.

James and Lily had joined in on our small talk and that was now about McGonagall's class. Peter was trying to sneak into Remus' bag and steal some chocolate, but Remus slapped his hand without even looking at him. Remus was willing to share his chocolate, but he didn't like people who stole from him.

I let out a little laugh at how Remus reacted to Peter. I soon learned that my reaction was a mistake. Sirius let out a little chuckle, "If I would have done that, you would have slapped me for treating Peter like that."

"Sirius, this is not the time or the place, mate. If you want to start something, do it when not all of the school is here. Or hey here's an idea, don't start anything. Just calmly ask what you wanna know." James snapped.

Lily put a hand over his hand to calm him down. I pushed my plate away after finishing the bite I had taken, "Well, I will take that as my que to leave. I will see all of you later." I looked at Remus, "Thanks for the advice on the homework."

He gave me a sweet smile and handed me my bag from the bench. I took it and walked out of the Great Hall, before stopping right outside the doors. I slid down the wall right beside the door and let out a quiet cry.

I didn't ask for this to cause a problem for everyone, but what choice did I have? Sirius needed to know the truth, but I wish he would have let me explain everything before. I wish he would have given me the chance we gave Regulus.