A week has come and gone. I've cried so much; I can't lie. I thought we had a connection. The way he walked out broke my heart. I had to gradually build my character back up and realize, this was not going to work. As the days went by, I wondered if I will ever meet someone that gave me the spark, the moment he's touched me. Give me that beautiful smile he did or when he said my name. I don't think I can.
I do have to admit to myself that I was too worried about who would have found out. Was it Joe's age? Was it the cougar thing? I drove myself insane with it. I had to remind myself of how this would affect Lyla and his sister. Would they have accepted it? Goosh, why has it been so hard. I cared about him. I know he did or does, who knows. All I know is that he walked out on me again.
I've been trying to avoid Linda as much as I can. I feel so bad, but Lexi made a perfect point, to wait before I tell her, it's over between Joe and I. Lexi is the one friend that would never judge or see it any other way, but now I will have it. She's supportive, and I trust her judgments. I did have faith; when she said, everything will work out and find its course one way or another.
Thank god, I threw myself into work planning our annual company Cocktail Reception. Brian and I have actually been working together on this, keeping my mind at ease, helping me through it. He's not that bad or annoying, after all. I guess you need to trust your instincts and decide what is right, wrong, or just not good for you. I've wasted too much time with thoughts of the inevitable.
I hear a knock on my office door. "Hi, are you busy?" Brian asks, peeking in his head.
"No," I lie.
"Do you want to get some dinner since it's 7:00 o'clock and you're still here? I thought maybe you could use some food. We can go down the street; you've been kicking your ass on this Cocktail Reception." He offers.
"Sure, why not," I accept. I do need something to eat and can use a drink since I haven't had in one in three days," I laugh. Why do I sound like I have a drinking problem?
We walk to the restaurant down the street. Brian stops right in front of Jacks, The restaurant, Joe saw me with Linda, Fricka, and Frack and who has his so-called meetings, with Crystal and let's not forget the porn scene in the bathroom. I blush.
"Brian, is this where you want to eat?" I manage to ask, pointing at. What are the odds of running into Joe here tonight? What am I doing? I look like a fool. It's only dinner. I'm not going to ruin this night over someone who walked out on me.
"Yes, do you want to walk to another one" He offers as he looks into the restaurant.
"No, it's fine, I'm starving and do need a drink ASAP," I answer and walk right in. They sit us right away, and the first thing I do is look over at the table where he sat with those two older men and Her. My stomach felt a sharp cramp every time I think about them both working together. Did he love her? Is that why he keeps her working close to him? Where's the fucking waitress. I haven't had a drink in days, I know that didn't sound good, but now sitting here remembering, I need a stiff one. I think walking in here, wasn't a good idea after all.
"Alix-" I look up at Brian. "Where did you go?"
"I'm so-
"Hello, can I start you with some drinks" the waiter cuts me off. Oh great. Shit. Um. Now I don't know what I want. Why did I say yes to dinner, and with Brian?
"Yes, I'm sorry," I reply and ask for a Chardonnay, and she then turns to Brian.
"I'll have the same," Brian replies. It's awkward for a moment or two. I'm not feeling it. I glance around the room. I know it's innocent, but coming out to have dinner and sitting here with Brian, I feel as if I'm doing something behind Joe's back. The last time he saw me stand by another man, he freaked. Shit, I can't stop thinking about him.
"So do you want to talk about work or go with the flow on conversations." he breaks the silence. And smiles. Wow, he's got a charming smile. I haven't seen it before. Resembles Joes a bit. But it doesn't compare.
"Anything other than work," I insisted, rubbing my hands on my thighs. I hope this isn't the getting to know you stage.
"So tell me, do you feel weird sitting here having dinner with me?" he asks as he was sensing my being a bit uncomfortable. Great! Is it that obvious?
"No, why? I lie as I tilt my head.
"You've been hard on me; I don't think we got off on the same page," He admits. I chuckled and smiled, which felt good since everything that happened in London, I haven't been myself lately. And our drinks arrive right on time. He lays our drinks on the table and takes our order as we order two more drinks with it.
"No, I'm sorry, I've just been busy and under pressure since you have started. We needed tonight to bring it to a better path," I say, and as I try not to have to much eye contact with him, in case he can see right through me.
"Yes, I think your right. I can understand the frustration of having to work with someone new when you've managed to do so well on your own," Brian says, playing with the rim of the wine glass. My stomach dropped. That's what Joe does when he's got something interesting on his mind. And he's giving me compliments on me doing so well at work. I'm so lost here.
"I guess" I turn my head and stare out the restaurant. I feel so bad; I don't want to be here. Why do I find myself comparing the little things he says or does to Joe.
"So how was London?" he says, trying to keep a conversation going. Poor guy.
"Let me guess, news travel fast at work on where I went?" I smile at him not giving anything away. That felt good, smiling at him. It wasn't so bad.
"I think we know, Anna can't keep her mouth shut," he says as he grins, and we laugh.
"Great minds think alike."
"They do," and right there, right when I was starting to enjoy my time here at dinner. I glance behind Brian and see Joe walking through the restaurant, as the hostess guides them to be seated. I can't help but stare. He's with the same two older gentlemen, and right by his side, Crystal.
My body goes completely numb. I'm watching how close Crystal is to Joe. And yet, I can't scream. I know he's been with her this week. The smile on her face says it all. He's never even tried calling. Why can't I seem to get them out of my head? I hate this jealousy. What were the odds of him coming here tonight? My heart is in my throat, and my nerves just hit the roof.
How can I ask Brian if we can get up and leave? We just ordered food and another round of drinks. Please, Lord, help me.
"Is everything ok?" he asks, worried. I'm flushed. And just like that, our food arrives. I'm now sick to my stomach. I look up at the waiter. I want to tell him to take it back, but I can't. He lays my plate in front of me and then Brians. I stare at the food.
"Yes-I went out into space." Looking at my plate, stunned. I glance up at Brian.
"Are you sure, it looks like you saw a ghost," he whispers.
I did see a ghost; it was Joe, the one who broke my heart. I need to tell brian we need to go. How can I enjoy our dinner, when the man who I'm crazy about is sitting at the corner end of the restaurant. Alix-Calm down.
My heart broke when he left me standing there, with no reason why he even left. We argued, yes, but he just left, He left me there with an unknown feeling.
He spotted me. I turn my head quickly. I can't do it. I can't bring myself to give in again every time he comes near me. I block out Brian and the patrons talking, but only hear what's playing on the surround system in the restaurant, and it's killing me. As I listen to the lyrics, by Sia, "Free me," I'm back in his hypnosis, as our eyes are locked. Why?
"I don't wanna hold your gaze. I'm scared what I might see there, Found myself in this place."
In a month's time. How can this be? He's sitting on the other side of the room, and I'm sitting here just feet away from Joe. What I would give to be in his arms. I'm willing to give my everything to be his, only his and feel the touch he gives me and lose all my thoughts just to be in his arms. But, I can't do it, he hurt me.
I turn my face, and I looked away. Why can't I get up and move? Please, Alix-He'll walk away again and take your dignity, he'll take it away when you've fallen in too deep.
But It's also my fault that pushed him away on my own selfishness. We have to give up; we have to stay away; we have to keep sane.
My god, I can't believe I'm crying. I tried so hard to hold it in. I'm sitting with Brian, who has no clue the pain I'm feeling. I wipe my tears as Brian is watching me break down, not understanding why. I can't tell him. I can't tell him I've fallen for the man across the room, sitting with his ex-fiance. Will he understand? Will he judge me? Will he not want to stay? Too many emotions, I can't hide. I grab my glass of wine and take a sip and breathe.
"Alix, is everything ok? Do you want to talk to me about it? He asks worriedly.
"I didn't want to say, but you're not here; you've been somewhere else all night," he says sincerely, and I sigh.
"I'm sorry, Brian, but I can't be here." I apologize and put my napkin on the table.
"Hello," Is all I heard, and that's Joe's voice. I can feel my hands shake, holding the napkin. And my heart drops literally to the floor as my stomach flipped.
I look up, and he's standing there as I'm feeling his emotions. Why must he look so beautiful in that suit? I get the courage to introduce Joe to another man that I'm having dinner with, and I know it is killing him inside.
"Hello," I manage to say, hoping he doesn't realize I had tears on my face and turn to look at Brian.
"Brian, The is my daughter Lyla's friend Joseph" I quietly introduce. Yes, I said Joseph, that's his name, and I know how much he hates it.
"Hello," Brian lends his hand out as I can feel Joe's eye's on me still, staring at me hopelessly, not even acknowledging Brians hand out to shake it. Brian looks back at me. I think he noticed why I'd been somewhere else.
"Alix, will you excuse me, I need to make a call" Brian sighs. Yup, he knows. He can feel the energy between Joe and I. I stay quiet and nod, that's all I can do. Besides tapping my thumb on the napkin.
"Excuse me," Brian says again to both of us as he walks past, Joe. My heart is beating a hundred beats a minute. He's not moving. I look up as he's looking down at me with emptiness in his eyes. He has me all over the place. I need to stay in place, and I need to stand up to him and be the brave one to say goodbye and walk away.
"Joe, I'm done, you can't just come here and interrupt my dinner."
"Alix, please don't... let me try and explain."
"Come on, Joe, who are we kidding, we are falling in to deep for all the wrong reasons." I breathe and pray to god I don't burst out into tears as the song is playing on and I'm spilling heart out to him as he's gazing into my eyes.
"I can't let you in anymore...Yes, I'm here with another man, and you won't ruin this for me."
"I'm done, you're just going to walk away again and do the same thing, leave with no explanation, not one call or text in a week," I say in all one breathe.
Brian comes back and sits on his seat.
"Is everything ok?" I ask. I don't pay attention to Joe, and Damn, it feels good not looking up at him. I'm hurt and pist that he's here with her.
"Yes, just work...I paid the bill, so whenever you are ready, Alix, we can go," he says and gives a slight grin.
Oh, He knows, He felt bad and gave us time to talk and to top it all off, he paid the bill so we can go. Wow!
"Yes, thank you," I whisper. Poor guy is lost and stands up. We didn't even get to enjoy our food. I couldn't do it, sit here and eat. I pick my purse up from the table. Roll my head up as I stand up, close to him. I can see the pain in his eyes, but I'm strong now, I got my confidence back.
"Joseph, it was nice to see," I say, peaceful nodding at him with a slight smile. To let him know I just walked away.
We arrive at my house. We sit quietly, parked on my driveway. I stare at my garage door. I couldn't say anything on the way here. I didn't know how or what to say. Joe didn't even shake his hand. What a mess this has turned out to be. But seeing him stand near me, still brought out, all the same feelings, he gives me. He will always make me nervous and make my body feel something I've never felt before.
I turn to Brian. He is looking forward, not knowing what to say, either.
"Brian, I'm so sorry, I didn't expect this or know he would show up."
"Alix-I kind of knew something was up when he stood there. The colors on your face change; it wasn't you before he showed up."
"Brian, I don't know what to say, I need to go inside, we have a long day tomorrow" I sigh. Grab my purse. I try to open the passenger door. He calls on me.
"Alix, are you sure your ok?" I turn my head back to him.
"Yes, I'll be...Thanks for tonight" I nod a sympathetically smile back. I knew I should've said no to dinner. This would have saved me all these emotions running through my head. I've missed him. And he smelled so good. Jerk!