(Not an update. Just something on my chest.)
I am definitely not a very self-aware person. I tend to ignore how and why I'm feeling certain ways. My brain knows me better than I know my brain.
So whenever I was in an abusive relationship, I didn't even know it.
I spent a year and a half. Almost two years. With someone who constantly guilted me, and everyone else, into things. Nothing was ever his fault? He always turned it on someone else.
If I ever tried to explain it to someone else or even myself, it didn't make sense. He was always so nice. He always apologized.
I've always been wrapped up in my own head. I tend to daydream all the time, with different fandoms and characters. Bleach is the one who helped me most recently.
And slowly, bit by bit, I began to explain how his actions have hurt me.
Not to myself. Not to someone else. But to the characters in my mind. And, I suppose in a way, back to myself.
He started to become the bad guy in my daydreams. I told the characters how he treated me. That he violated my body without my permission, and then either whined, got angry, or apologized. But he never stopped trying. He never stopped touching me without my permission.
Better to ask forgiveness than permission, I guess.
Months after I began my realization, we had grown apart because I wouldn't be with him. That's what he blamed it on, anyway.
We 'mutually' broke up. And finally, I was done with him.
Except I wasn't. It was months later, even. I hadn't realized the complex he had given me. Anything can happen behind closed doors. He had shown me that.
All those times we had been alone. All those times he had insisted we do things.
It wasn't until I was alone in a room with my best friend that I realized how terrified I was. My best friend. Someone who would never violate me. He would never do those things. But I was scared.
To this day, I have to be comforted, even in my own daydreams, that we can stop. If you're not comfortable we can stop. Villains, saviours, anyone.
I was scared to kiss my boyfriend. Afraid he would be the same way. We talked and it's obvious he wouldn't ever even kiss me without permission. He barely holds hands without making sure it's okay.
After ten months apart from him and his actions, it still hurts. His actions still have consequences, that I face. People don't believe me, now that I'm more open about what happened. He's a good guy. He wouldn't do those things. Now he has a new person he's doing the exact same thing to.
If nothing else, take this away from here.
You don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe her a kiss. He doesn't need sex.
Listen to yourself. Even in a daydream. Listen to your mind and body as they scream to be heard.
You are worth consent. You are worth respect.
You are worth so much more.