A security guard escorted us from Em's dressing room down to the main floor of the arena and let us into the crowd right in the middle and in front of the stage. People around us looked pissed that we got in from the front versus having to wait for hours and hours like they had to. But once they saw the VIP passes hanging around our necks, they chilled out and even started asking if we'd met any of the acts backstage. We told them we hadn't but hoped to after the show, just to avoid unwanted attention.
Not long after we got there, the show started with Ice Cube's Hello. The nearly 4 hour concert was the most amazing one I had ever been to in my life. Cube, Dre, Snoop, Nate Dogg, Em....everyone killed it. The crowd was insane. Everyone was smoking tree, getting drunk, making out, girls were lifting their shirts left and right. Nearby, there was a group of girls who were completely infatuated with Em. They kept yelling things like "I love you Slim" and holding up signs that said "Fuck me Shady" and going absolutely crazy when he was onstage. He made eye contact with me a few times and they were not far behind me so I'm sure he saw them.
It had been over a year since I'd been to one of his shows, and that crowd had been nowhere near the size of this one. To see thousands of girls willing to throw themselves at him was...weird, to say the least. I was jealous and annoyed. But I also wasn't his girl anymore. So I had no right to feel that way. I did my best to ignore their screams and focus on the show but I couldn't help thinking about all the incredible nights he and I had spent together; how amazing and attentive he was in and out of bed; how good he had made me feel, both physically and emotionally; and how much I missed him...
He looked so good onstage. He wore a red and white outfit with a white backwards visor and Jordans. He was flushed, hot and sweaty, and towards the end I could tell he was getting tired, but it did nothing to the mind-blowing quality of his performance. His voice sounded exactly like it did on his albums and he didn't miss a beat the entire time. I suddenly couldn't wait to be near him again...
---
"Tell me is it cool to fuck/Did you think I come to talk/Am I a fool or what/Positions on the floor, it's like erotic, ironic/Because I'm somewhat psychotic/I'm hittin' switches on bitches/Like I been fixed with hydraulics..." Cassie and I rapped along with one of our favorite Tupac songs How Do You Want It?
Pills, weed, and alcohol flowed freely around the room. We were back at Hotel del Coronado where, we found out, Em and his crew were staying for the night before heading to their next city. We had started the afterparty at the concert venue and hung out with all the artists and a ton of groupies. After an hour or so, Em and his crew headed back to the hotel to have their own, smaller hangout. I think it was mostly so that he could get Nate out of that party environment and into a hotel room to get some sleep. It was beyond cute to see him taking care of his little brother like that.
I looked up from the conversation I'd been having with Royce and Cassie to see Marshall staring at me from a sofa across the room. He didn't even try to hide it. He just smirked when my eyes met his but he didn't look away, even though Denaun and Swifty were clearly talking to him about something. I tried to mask my smile but it was no use in front of Cassie. She caught my blush and returned it with a subtle grin. I let her and Royce finish their talk while I went to fill up my drink; they had really been hitting it off and I could tell she kinda liked him.
I topped off my red Solo cup with a little more Bacardi than I had intended along with a splash of Coke. I searched for a bag of fruit snacks on the food table but couldn't find any. I really wanted some though, so I decided to venture down the hall to the vending machine area. Big Naz stood outside the door and nodded to me as I walked out. The last time I had seen him was that horrible night and he had been standing in exactly the same place...just outside Em's hotel room door. I shook the memory out of my mind as I looked for quarters in my wallet.
"Nate?" I called when I saw who had beaten me to the snacks.
He looked up suddenly. "Oh, hey Lex. I was just..."
"About to indulge in a midnight sugar high?" I laughed, raising my eyebrows at his arms full of sodas and candy.
He blushed and nodded, "I guess you caught me. Don't tell Marshall. He'll be pissed I left the room without telling him."
"It'll be our little secret. As long as you gimme some of those fruit snacks, since you seem to have taken the last one out of the machine," I pointed.
"They're all yours," he replied, handing me the bag.
"Thanks." I parked myself on a bench along the wall opposite of the machines. "And I'm sure it's not that he wants to keep you hostage or anything; he just....wants to keep you safe, ya know? There's a lotta bullshit that goes on in this industry."
Nate sat down next to me. "Yea, he's been kinda paranoid lately. He's....I don't know...different," he said with his head down, looking at the snacks overflowing in his arms.
I chewed my fruit snacks contemplatively. "He's been through a lot..." I finally said quietly. "I think he just wants to shield you from all of that, but at the same time he's been waiting for so long to have you back in his life. It's a hard balance."
"Yea," he answered, piling his goodies on the bench in between us and cracking open a can of Sprite.
"How are things at Debbie's?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Same as they were before I left I guess. Maybe a little better cuz she's not home as much, now that she's got a new boyfriend."
I nodded.
"Marshall wants me to live with him. Did he tell you that?"
"Yea, he did. Would you like that?"
"Definitely. I hope it actually happens," he sighed, popping some peanut M&Ms in his mouth.
"Don't worry. When your brother puts his mind to something, he gets it," I reassured.
"Yea," he mumbled.
"Boy, didn't I tell you to stay yo ass in the room and call me if you needed anything? Gimme those M&Ms," Em jokingly disciplined as he swiped the bag of candy out of Nate's hand and ate some.
"Okay Eminem," Nate snickered. Em acted like he was gonna backhand him but tousled his short hair instead.
"We can still hit the beach tomorrow, right Em?" Nate asked like a little kid wishing for a puppy for Christmas.
"We're gonna try Nate. But only if you take your little 14-year old butt back to bed and quit drinkin' all this sugar," he said, taking the Sprite out of his hand and guzzling it. He handed it back to him and nodded in the direction of the hotel room.
"Okay, okay," Nate gave in. "Night Lex."
"Night," I smiled. "Thanks for the gummies!"
Em and I watched him go back into his room.
"Thanks for hangin' with him," Em said, turning back to me.
"Anytime. He's a good kid."
"Yea he is. What you doin' out here anyways?"
I held up the fruit snacks, which made him chuckle. "So how long you and Cass stayin' here?"
"Til Tuesday. It's beautiful, right?" I asked, standing up and walking towards the open window that was letting in the night ocean breeze.
"Yea it is," Em replied, keeping his eyes glued on me. I looked back at him and blushed, realizing he was talking about me.
"It's haunted you know?" he said, joining me at the window and leaning on the wide windowsill.
"What?" I asked.
"Yea. Some girl killed herself here, like in the late 1800s. Kate Morgan, I think was her name? I don't know. But people say they feel, like, random breezes or their TV will turn off and on...shit like that," he explained, still eating Nate's peanut M&Ms. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "There was a brochure in the bathroom! I was bored while takin' a dump."
I breathed out a laugh and shook my head before inhaling another fruit snack. "Do you believe in that stuff?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I don't know. Do you?"
I shrugged back. "Never really thought about it."
I could feel his eyes lingering on me but fought the urge to look into those mesmerizing baby blues of his.
"The show was off the chain," I said, changing the subject. "Like...for real. I can't even tell you how good it was."
"Yea?" he half-smiled. "What was your favorite part?"
"Besides your whole set?"
"Yea of course, besides that," he joked.
"Well, that talking skull was pretty tight. And driving the Caddy onstage. All the videos were hilarious. I don't know...I can't pick one thing! I don't know how that shit will ever be topped," I shook my head.
"Anything you didn't like about it?" he asked, looking back out the window.
I thought hard before I answered. "Does Kim know? About the blow-up doll?" I kept my eyes on the black ocean but played nervously with my rings. I hated bringing her up but I had to know.
---
"San Diego, I wanna address a current issue," he had announced in the middle of his set. "I know a lot of you read or heard or seen or whatever that my wife and I have been having some marital problems." The crowd went crazy. "That stuff's all fine now," he continued. "In fact, we got my wife here tonight. Where's Kim? Somebody bring Kim out here!"
Cassie and I had exchanged confused looks. Was Kim really here? We hadn't seen her backstage. And Em hadn't mentioned anything about her coming to the opening show. Before I could think about it too much, a stagehand brought out a life-size blow-up doll with blonde hair and big boobs. He and Proof tossed it around the stage before chucking it out into the super hyped crowd where it was passed around enthusiastically. He finally went into the next song, The Real Slim Shady. While everyone else in the audience seemed to love it, I had sighed and shook my head.
---
"Naw, she don't know," he replied nonchalantly.
"Not your best moment Em," I said quietly.
He shrugged. "I really don't give a fuck." We locked eyes for a moment. "I don't," he insisted. "That bitch gonna get what's comin' to her."
"I thought you two were cool now. You said you...made up or whatever," I mumbled with my head down. I knew "making up" with Kim, in Marshall's mind, just meant that they were fucking again.
"I don't know if we'll ever be cool Lex. How am I supposed to forget what she did? What she's been doin' behind my back for God knows how long? And now I got charges and shit cuz of her dumb ass? Naw..." he shook his head angrily. "We ain't never gonna be cool."
I didn't wanna pry into his personal life. I had no idea what Kim did behind his back. I also had no idea what Marshall did behind her back. There had been some rumors that he had messed around with an underage girl on his European tour last year, but I had never asked him about it.
"So if you're never gonna be cool...." I started, hoping he would finish my thought.
"Why are we still married?" he finished. "I honestly don't know." Although his eyes were pointed out the window, it was like he wasn't looking at anything in particular. He was stuck in a thoughtful, hopeless kind of gaze. I placed my hand gently on the large D that tatted his right forearm to snap him out of it.
"Fuck Kim. I don't wanna talk about her anymore," he sniffed, turning towards me. "Where you headed after this little siesta? Back home?"
"Um...New York to finish up Erykah's album. Last session for me, I hope. And then..."
"Workin' on your own shit, I hope," he interrupted.
"Yea. That's the plan," I sighed.
"Always puttin' other people first," he shook his head. "You gotta learn to be a little selfish in this music game if you gonna make it to the big-time, nawmean?" He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, sending goosebumps up and down my arms.
"Who said I wanna make it to the big-time?" I smiled. "I just wanna put my music out there. My thoughts. My words...My feelings. If only one other person can relate to them, well then that's one person I've helped. That's nothin' to be ashamed of."
"No it's not," he said in a lower voice as he moved closer and his eyes looked me up and down. My heart sped up as I realized how close he was getting. He rubbed my chin gently between his thumb and forefinger. "If they see an artist half as beautiful as what I see, inside and out, you'll be in great shape...you know?"
Fuck, I wanted to kiss him so bad. His lips were right there. Literally inches away from mine. I could feel his warm breath on me, smelling lightly of beer and chocolate. I missed the way his soft lips felt when they pressed up against mine and for a moment, my head swirled and my throat got dry and I swore I was gonna lose my balance.
"You a'ight?" he chuckled, keeping me upright as my knees almost gave out.
"Yea," I cleared my throat. "I just...should probably cut myself off," I chuckled lightly.
A slow smile swept over his face. He knew I was lying. He licked his lips, making me start sweating all over again. "Lex," he whispered. "I miss you." He leaned down towards me, his lips barely brushing against mine. I don't know what gave me the strength to pull back because all I wanted in that moment was to be in his arms, feeling what I'd been missing for so long.
"Em," I whispered as I pulled back slightly and placed a hand gently on his chest. My breathing was heavy and ragged and I knew if he fought me, I'd give in. "We can't."
He covered his teeth with his lips and closed his eyes before standing back up with a heavy sigh. "You right. My bad," he said in his normal voice. "Wanna head back?" he thumbed over his shoulder towards the room we had come out of.
I nodded and followed him sheepishly away from the window. "Em?" I said suddenly, unable to control myself. He stopped and looked back with raised eyebrows. "I miss you too."