—First life, year 2027—
"Hang in there. Just hold on, okay?"
My eyes were closed tight but I could feel the strain in Yoongi's voice, and the way his whole body was still and stiff as he held me. He had me laid down on the back seat of the car with my head resting halfway on his lap, a measure he had to take in order to keep hold of me while making sure that my back would not be hurting so much. I tried to open my eyes, looking up to see him through my hazy sight, finding him looking at me with a deep frown.
"Just a little while longer, so hold on," he said, encouraging and calming me down as much as he could. Then he suddenly winced. It was then when I finally noticed that I had his hand clutched tightly in mine while I tried to hold back the pain I was feeling. I opened my mouth to apologise, only to have no voice coming out of me but a soft whimper.
"How is she?" I heard Hoseok spoke from the driver's seat, and Yoongi snapped his head to look ahead.
"She's awake. I think she's still in pain," Yoongi answered my brother with a terrible shudder in his voice.
"Hold on to her. We're almost there," Hoseok said as the car started to speed up again, making Yoongi slightly swayed on his seat. The sudden movement from the car felt like a stab on my back that I released a gasp. "I'm so sorry, just hang on for a while."
"Just drive carefully. Or else none of us will get there in one piece at all," Yoongi snapped at him, before I felt his arm that I was not holding wrapping my shoulder gently and he leaned down. "Close your eyes and take a deep breath, _____. We'll get you to help."
I could only nod my head and close my eyes tightly, willing my whole body to relax and forget where I was and what was happening.
It had been two weeks since Hoseok and I returned from our hometown. Two weeks after the exhausting short visit to see our father. We had dealt with hospital visits after, handing the records to Dr. Kim as I had another examination. Between tests results and rearranging future treatments, I had also been dealing with work as well.
Perhaps I had strained my body too much, forcing myself to keep working and travelling without a proper break. And then, ever since a few days ago, the ache in my body started to grow more and more intense until it became too unbearable for me to deal with. The painkiller no longer worked, the exhaustion kept refusing to leave me even after I had enough sleep. Then it peaked just yesterday, when I felt like my whole body was breaking apart only by trying to push myself up on my bed.
Both Hoseok and Yoongi had forced me to stay in bed the whole day, thinking that resting enough would help me recover. Yet it only had gotten worse the moment I woke up this morning. When I found myself having the most excruciating pain and I could not move my body without wanting to scream and cry.
As both men found me in such a state—after I started bawling when I found that the slightest movement I made was torturous—they instantly rushed to get help. Yoongi wanted to call an ambulance at first. But after being carried in them for one too many times and with bad memories following each one, I quickly refused. Meanwhile, Hoseok could no longer wait, wanting to be the one to bring me to the hospital instead of waiting for strangers to pick me up in their hands, he nearly dragged us all into his car before he drove us with maximum speed.
"We're here," I heard Yoongi muttered softly, followed the sound of car doors opening around me. I never realised that I had fallen asleep all during the trip that I felt a little wobbly as I came to. A few nurses appeared through my peripheral vision, pushing a gurney towards the car. A few barks of instruction sounded muddled as they moved around me, carefully pulling me out of the car, moving me onto the hospital gurney before I was quickly wheeled into the building.
Everything was a blur. I was still groggy with sleep that I said nothing at all. Either the short nap was a bit helpful to help conceal the pain or it was already too much for my brain to register that I only felt numb as I watched my surroundings moving around me. My head also felt terribly heavy, so I might as well was half conscious during the whole ordeal.
All I knew then was that I felt so tired. Too exhausted to respond to anything that was given to me. I heard my brother's voice as the nurse or doctor that was handling me asked him a few questions about my condition. The last thing I heard before I once again descended into sleep was the mention of my doctor's name.
The next thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the bright light above me.
I kept my eyes open, not bothering to close them no matter how blinding it was. Nothing occupied my mind as I lied there, the aching that had me bawling in tears before was now left as a numb feeling coursing through my body. And for some reason, the numbness felt like it was there inside my head.
I have been in this position one too many times, I thought to myself, and I silently started asking if any of them have been worth it. Since when did my life turn this way? Since when has my life been slipping out of my grasp so much that it keeps spiralling out of control?
For a moment, I heard nothing but silence. It took me a while before my brain was able to register everything around me. That I was no longer in the emergency unit. As my senses starting to come to, I found that I was already moved onto a bigger and slightly more comfortable bed.
There were people around me, conversing, arguing, all with tension and worries straining their voices. Except for one. The one calm voice that I had come to be so familiar with which I had recognised as my very good-looking doctor.
There was no pain when I turned my head to the side, searching for where the voices were coming from. But I still winced at how uncomfortable it felt to move. My body felt rigid and heavy, no doubt I felt it all because of the drugs they had given me, but at least my senses were coming clear.
My eyes landed first on my brother. His deep frown was even more prominent under the lights. His stance may look a lot tougher than it did with his arms crossed on his chest, but I knew better. I knew that he was silently fretting and probably terrified on my behalf. I could just see it from the way he seemed to be forcing his shoulder to stay straight, as if he wanted to make himself look bigger than the kind doctor he was facing at.
Yoongi was the one I saw next. It was rare for me to see him with a deeply concerned look on his face. Yet it seemed that I had been seeing that look quite often lately and it saddened me to think that I had been the cause of it. My heart hurt for the thought of causing such a turmoil in their lives. Neither of them deserved any of this.
Why do I keep allowing everyone around me to feel pain?
I was lost in my thoughts for a moment, but I instantly met Hoseok's eyes when I lifted my gaze, seeing it widening at the sight of me. I caught him huffing a breath of relief before he forced a smile. His gesture captured the other men's attention, making them turned their attention on me instead.
"How are you feeling?" Hoseok asked me as he came to my side.
I let out a groan. "I feel nothing. But I'm guessing it will come back to me with a vengeance." I winced at the memory of the pain I had early this morning. Even if it was nonexistent at this very moment, I could still remember it clearly in my head that it was starting to throb at the spots where it was hurting me before.
"That's the drug working," Dr. Kim spoke with a smile, keeping the calm tone he had always sported on still intact as he leaned to speak. "We had to increase the dosage for the painkiller when we noticed you were in a lot of pain even when you were unconscious. We had to move you quite a lot earlier as the nurses and the doctor on duty treated you in the emergency unit. The effect will be gone in one or two more hours, and we can give you a much lighter pain reliever if the pain returns."
There were questions in my head that I needed to address to him, but I could only sigh. And the next thing that came out of my mouth was the first thing that I had ever wanted to question him since the pain had started to escalate, "What is wrong with me, Doctor?"
Dr. Kim sighed, keeping his smile on his face despite the fact that it did nothing to conceal the look in his eyes.
"Please don't hide anything from me, Doctor," I grinned at the way everyone visibly grimaced. "Whatever it is, just let me know so I can prepare myself. At this point, there is nothing that could surprise me anymore."
The kind doctor chuckled. Another sigh came out of him before he finally talked, "We are still waiting for a few test results that will tell us more. But for now, it seems that what I've been concerned about is already happening. The masses in your body is fighting back against the medicine even harder than before and we are afraid that it may have spread. We are looking at any possibilities and trying to figure out how to stop it from advancing even further."
I huffed and looked at my brother who was so close to crying. "Okay, so—what do we do now?"
"The team of doctors are going to have a meeting to discuss it further. But for now, I guess all we can do is wait," Hoseok shrugged, looking as frail as ever when his voice cracked at the end.
"How about the radiation we discussed before?" I turned to the doctor to see him shaking his head.
"It is a considerable option. We could either go through the radiation and have it aimed at the growing masses to reverse the growth or to slow it down. Or—" he stopped, allowing the concerned look in his eyes to show itself as he continued, "We can make use the procedure to dislodge your nervous system to help reduce the pain."
Hoseok looked down at that, while I bit my lip. "You mean, either we kill it, or we let it grow and kill my senses so I will forget it exists?"
"We're not going to let it grow," the doctor quickly interjected. "We are still going to treat it, try our best to defeat it with better medications and treatments. But the process might take some time and we don't know if you will be strong enough to endure the pain during those treatments. It can at least make you a little bit more—comfortable. And to be able to move without feeling any pain. Even though you will most likely have to stay in a wheelchair."
"It's your decision to make," Yoongi added. Somehow, he found himself a seat next to my bed. He was somewhat calm while the conversation happened around him, but the calmness helped a lot for me to be able to make a choice.
"Okay," I muttered, then looking back at the doctor, I said, "I don't think it would be a good idea if I make the decision myself. Throughout my life, every decision I have made all seemed to have gone to the worse instead of doing any good. So I'm giving you the freedom to make the choice for me. Once you are done with your meeting and have come to a decision, please come back to me and let me know."
Dr. Kim raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure?" he asked, trying to make sure. I would not even be surprised if he would hate me in the future for giving him such a responsibility of deciding my fate. But I have had enough of making bad decisions. And I had no doubt in my mind that whichever one I would be making of this would only lead to another failure and not so much of a solution for what I was having.
I gave the doctor the brightest smile I could muster, not bothering to look at either Hoseok or Yoongi who I knew would do their best to change my mind, and nodded. "Do your best, Doctor."
—First life. St. Vincent's Hospital, year 2027—
I woke up feeling groggy and frail. Everything around me felt cold that I shivered under the blankets. My eyes were still closed when I felt movements on my side, and that was where I turned to as I carefully opened my heavy eyelids.
"Hey there, sleeping beauty," his soft voice greeted me first. His face was a blur for a moment, but I could already recognise who he was before I blinked the white fog in my sight away.
"Jimin," I hummed to greet him. All I could feel was the lazy smile that came to my face before I realised that I was reaching out to hold his hand. He took it gently in his and leaned down, kissing the back of my hand a few times. His eyes were terribly glossy when he looked up. "What are you doing here?"
He grinned. "Your brother called and told me what happened."
"Really? He did?" I stared at him with wide eyes. Never expecting to know that my brother had reached out to him. I never even knew that they had exchanged phone numbers or have been contacting each other in any kind of form. Yet instead of questioning it, I only lied back down on the pillows and relish on his presence. I was too exhausted to think about it anyway.
"Yeah," he answered me while rubbing his thumb on my hand and reach to brush my wild hair away with the other. "He said that you might need some company while you wait for the doctor to come back with news. And I have been given the privilege of taking the job since I seem to be a master of it."
I chuckled. "Indeed, you are. My brother would be busy fretting if he is the one staying here with me," I said, making him laugh with me. "So, what have you been up to? I mean, your monthly treatments haven't started, right? I'm sorry for interrupting your free time."
His eyes lingered on me for a silent moment. There was something I saw there, deep in his eyes, that was bothering me as he seemed to be contemplating for something. But I could not quite read it to know what it was. He quickly concealed it with a smile, however, and a soft pat on the tip of my nose to distract me.
"It's fine. You don't have to worry about me, love," he said, before he pulled my hand close and pressed his lips on my skin. "I would do anything to be here with you and stay by your side. There is no other place I would rather be."
His words made my heart feel warm. Every anxiousness and worries slowly vanished, replaced by the feeling he ignited inside me. Without looking away, I pulled my hand that was still entwined with his and pressed my lips on the back of his hand. A wave of emotions came through me, and there were a few words that kept pushing through, wanting to come out. Yet I held everything in, only whispering the ones I wanted him to know the most.
"Thank you. There is nobody else I would rather have by my side but you."
Days passed by. Hoseok, Yoongi and Jimin had been taking turns of staying with me in the hospital. Jimin had been taking most of those times some extra time alone with me.
"You're spoiling me," I told him one day as he was peeling an orange next to me.
"Well, you deserve to be spoiled," he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes. He had been there nearly the whole day, even taking over in spoon-feeding me when I refused to eat the hospital food.
"It's too bland," I always said whenever I pushed away my meal. "Just give me some pudding and I'll be fine."
"No," he would always say to me so sternly, never backing away. "I'll feed you and then once you're done, I'll reward you with pudding." And that was how he would always end up spoon-feeding me, almost every single day, until it came to a point that I would rather delay my lunch to wait for him whenever he would come to me later than usual.
He was not always there, however. He would come during the day, right when Yoongi had to leave for work, and then leave when the day was close turn into night, right when Hoseok would come to take over. But even if he only had a few hours of his time with me, he was still a part of my daily routines.
His presence became customary that he somehow looked as if he belonged there whenever I found him sitting next to my bed. Either when I got back from a morning therapy or when I woke up from my short naps.
"Don't you have anywhere else to be?" I asked him one time, when he entered my room with a bright smile and a cup of honey lemon tea.
He shrugged. "I have nowhere else I want to be."
I sighed. I was starting to worry about the fact that I remembered how Jimin only had his treatments scheduled monthly. And now, thanks to me, he was here in the hospital every day. Just for me. Despite feeling grateful to have him here with me, I was starting to feel guilty. Neither of us ever enjoyed being in the hospital for too long. And it was completely unfair for me to have him coming here when he could be out there, enjoying life outside these white walls.
Jimin only gave me a soft smile when I mentioned that fact to him one night, right before he left my room. I was trying to convince him to take a day off from nursing me, to go out, have fun, instead of being stuck with me in the confinement of this heavily drugs scented building.
"I'm where I want to be. Stop telling me to stay away from you because that would be the last thing I want to do," he said, insisting that he would never go away and would always be there for me. He leaned down to steal a kiss on my lips, stopping me for saying anything else. The kiss was gentle and innocent, just as soft as his lips, but I was still left breathless as he pulled away. "Although I do have to tell you that I might be running late tomorrow. I hope that's okay."
Shaking my head, I merely sighed. "I'm already stealing too much of your time, Jimin. As long as you are here, I'll be okay and be happy. You can even slip to see me at midnight if you are too busy to come during the day and I won't mind at all."
His smile widened. The way his eyes glowed made my heart skip a beat. "I will keep that in mind."