I didn't leave a note. Looking back, I think I would have done it differently but now that I look back upon it, I wouldn't have done it at all. I needed help, I'm strong enough to admit that now. Stronger together, right? But it didn't feel that way. It felt like the hands of time were pressing their fingers deep into my throat, choking my esophagus and their nails creating a cut so deep I was drowning in my own blood. There's one thing I must remember though, if I do make it out of these Games: I am not alone. There is more to life than just surviving, I see that now.
My eyes have become used to the stark white light of the new cave, adjusting accordingly to the new atmosphere. Unlike my previous statement, I seem to be alone. The room is large and hallow, my footsteps echoing and bouncing off of the walls. I walk the perimeter of the circular room and find every five feet there is a weapon of some kind. Spear, bow and arrow, sword, mace... poisonous darts... they're all here. I reach out to touch the spear, the stainless steel of the head showing me my haggard and warrior-like appearance, but it shocks me, and my feet jump back into the center of the room; the Capitol has a plan, and right now is not the time to be eyeing the weapons.
A hydraulic noise similar to that of when I sacrificed my humanity sounds to my right and a door opens. I watch as another figure steps into the room, stumbling, blinking at the atmospheric change. I stand my ground in the center, attempting to hide the large gash in my side with my arm; I'm weak, but I'm not going to show it. I watch with careful eyes as Milo wanders in. He's limping, and I can tell by the blood trickling down his leg something happened to his knee. He doesn't see me yet, and he too tries to touch the spear but is shocked, taking a step backwards.
"They won't let us have them yet," I speak and I see Milo jump, his hands jumping to the fiery red hair atop his head in defense. He sighs when he sees it's just me. "They have something planned."
"Where did you run off to, Circuit? I thought you had a date with the Devil?"
He's referring to the Capitol, when we were first woken from our slumber and cleaned of the dirt and blood that flowed over our skin. It was a state of frenzy, of haze, and for a brief moment I had a flicker of hope that my family could want me back, but then of course it dashed away. The training sessions for these Games were long and hard as most of us had been buried for so long it took a few more days for our muscles to strengthen and build to a proper mass for fighting. Milo caught me as I fell going up the stairs one day, and asked how I was planning on winning the Games without the three 'M's' as he called it: Muscle, motivation, and Milo.
"The bloodbath will get me," I responded. "I was never physically a strong fighter. I'm married," I pointed to the ring on my finger. "I married a man with the voice of an angel but left him for the Devil. You could say I deserve what's coming for me."
I flash a playful smile back at Milo as I watch him try to touch another weapon and still, another shock. "Turns out God doesn't want me and the Devil isn't finished."
A slight breeze engulfs the cave as we hear another opening and closing of a mechanical door and then the staggering body of Kalyd, holding his hand, blood seeping between his remaining fingers but it was clear that he had cut several in order to gain his entrance.
"What the hell!" he spits at me, pointing to my wrist that is still spilling small drops of blood to the stone floor. "I sacrifice three of my fingers and you cut your wrist?" He's angry, his face seething with hatred and his ears turning a hot red I can only use to describe a fire that rages angrily through a forest. He steps towards me, and then staggers backwards, woozy from the loss of blood.
"I sacrificed a lot more than just a small cut on my wrist, Kalyd, don't flatter yourself."
Two more doors open in unison and our attention is no longer on Kalyd's temper but Roma and the famous love-sick duo American and Upton. Roma is unscathed and even though her eyes fall upon our bodies she pretends not to see us, moving towards a corner of the room to let her tears fall in complete darkness. American is hurt, badly. He enters holding onto Upton's shoulder, but he tumbles once the doors close, losing his balance. Upton races to his side, applying pressure to a wound that can never be healed. I can't predict the outcome of these Games, but I can for sure say that American Elm will once again not be returning to his District alive. Like me, he's been wounded in the stomach, but unlike me he chooses to show it, to wither in pain on the floor until his last breaths. He is not the fighter I know I can be.
A loud ringing noise hums in our ears and echoes off of the cave walls, reverberating and bouncing to no end. Roma screams from her corner, covering her hands with her ears. The other Tributes do the same, and I'm tempted to, but I don't want to show my wound, don't want to show them my weakness because the second bloodbath is just around the corner, I can feel it. While the others are busy groaning from the pain in their ears Milo has shifted closer to me, and he's peering at my body, scrutinizing every cut and every bruise. He takes the hand that covers my gash and lifts it up, revealing the purple bruising and the rotting stench of dried blood. He wrinkles his nose.
"The Devil's had some fun with you, hasn't he? Is that your own blood on your face?"
"No," I state, point blank. "It's Val's."
Milo doesn't say anything, partly because I give him a look that begs him not to and secondly because the ringing noise in our ears cease, and a sound that can only be that of a key unlocking a door can be heard from all of the weapons along the side of the wall; we are now free to use them. We all stare at each other for a moment, unsure of what to do. Every person in this circle, we aren't fighters, we aren't strong, but somehow, we made it to the very last cave it seems, and now, only one can be crowned the ultimate champion.
"They want a second bloodbath," Milo tells everyone in the circle, calmly. "This is the main event."
"I don't want to fight," the tired voice comes from Roma as she wanders into the middle, her hands in the air. "Just, everyone do their thing and I'll do mine, but I won't pick up a weapon out of hate or spite. I just can't."
I nod to Roma, agreeing with her code of ethics but not with her actions. I will not start the fight, but I will fight to the death. I will fight for my kids, my husband, my rights, my life and my freedom. I may not deserve to win but the Reaper sure as hell doesn't, and that's what's fueling me, that and the blood loss that's causing a small amount of adrenaline to kick into my veins. American is still on the ground, wheezing, coughing, and spitting blood from between his cracked lips.
Kalyd looks around the circle and scoffs. "I don't know about you guys, but I'm fucking going home." Kalyd walks over to the wall of weapons and chooses a mace with confidence. He holds it in his good hand, his other hand free to spurt blood over cave floor and overtop of the shoes of all the other Tributes. He sacrificed his three middle fingers on his right hand, so just his thumb and pinky remain as small stubs on an otherwise slab of flesh. Three fingers. I wonder if one wasn't enough for his soul? He wanders into the center, arm raised high above his head, ready to bring the mace down upon anyone who dares cross his path.
I dart to the other end of the wall, grabbing a spear; the weapon I started my first Games with, and the weapon I will end these Games with. I hold it in front of me, showing the young boy I will fight him, and maybe perhaps I will succeed. Everyone around me has broken, cracked, and decayed. Even though I am weak I feel strong, and even though I am tired I feel more alive than ever before. I let out a large laugh, and I feel all eyes towards me; for a moment I think I'm going to be the one to break first, stab American in the esophagus to end the torture of his pain. Upton is on the ground cradling him now, rubbing his shoulders and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. I inch towards the wall and grabbing a knife, I gently slide it across the ground to Upton. He takes it.
The tension is building between us all, and it surprises me that Milo is the one to snap first. In large swift movements he grabs a sword from the wall and swings it at Kalyd's head, but with his bad hand Kalyd blocks it from slicing his throat and instead a sickening crunch is heard as the blade inserts itself through the bone of Kalyd's wrist, taking his hand clean off. Roma doesn't hesitate to empty the contents of her stomach when she sees the blood streaming from Kalyd's stump.
"You don't have much longer, Kalyd, you better finish us off quickly." Milo laughs, bouncing around the District Four male. I'm circling Milo like a mamma wolf defending the alpha and the pack, ready to attack from the flank if necessary. My heart is racing, my palms are sweating and the one thing on my mind are my children. I once told myself I would do anything to get back to them, but now, I am willing to do what's right to get back to them.
I lost my humanity long ago, when I drove that dart into Cosmo's neck. Cold blood. I am not a murderer, and I spent my previous life, death, and my new life trying to prove that to others when really, all I needed to do was prove it to myself.
Kalyd staggers for a moment and then, tipping his head back and screaming a blood thirsty battle cry, he charges Milo. I move in from the side but not before Roma can jump onto Kalyd's back, hitting him in the head hard with her knuckles clenched into a tight fist. Kalyd spins around in circles, trying to get Roma off of his back. He slams his body into the wall, causing Roma's head to crunch against the jagged stone. I watch as an explosive cloud of red splatters against the rock and then the twenty-third canon sounds. Kalyd peels Roma's body from his back and watches as she falls to the ground, lifeless. He turns to me and smiles, slurring his words as if he were drunk.
"Mia... Circuit... the only... woman left... are you going... to... come at... me?"
I shake my head and position my spear, waiting for his attack. "Not in a million years."
He smiles. "Then let's speed up the process."
He charges me with his mace, but I get the upper hand by having... an extra hand. With the butt of the spear I knock him in the nose, but he doesn't falter. He swings his mace violently at my face, but I'm able to duck just in time. We've come dangerously close to the dying body of American and I realize in these moments Upton is trying to make him comfortable. The fight between Kalyd and I runs a little too close for Upton's comfort, and getting up he sticks out his leg, tripping Kalyd and watching as his body thuds to the ground.
I smile, trying to take no satisfaction in Kalyd's pain, but he does look funny sitting on his ass, his stump still gushing blood into puddles onto the cave floor. My shoes are sloshing in them as if Lucy were jumping in the rain in her small yellow boots and floppy hat.
"You're dead!" Kalyd growls at Upton and without notice flings the mace into the air and Milo and I watch in amazement as it hits Upton directly in between the eyes, more blood adding to the crevasses and cracks in the stone. A canon sounds, and Upton's body thuds to the ground, his head lolling to the side and his eyes still wide open in terror.
"Upton..." American whispers, my heart breaking into two. "Upton!" He screams a little louder, and although he can't move to cradle his lover's head one last time, I can tell he's trying hard to drag his body across the cave. Kalyd smiles, knowing he may just very well slaughter everyone in this room in time for his own medical attention. He moves in on American, and I want to move in on him, jump on his back like Roma but successfully drive the pointed end of the spear directly into his scalp.
I position my spear to throw it, my heart beating in my chest, knowing I can hit my targeted mark with ease. Another set of hands appear on the handle of the spear, and I look closely to see they're too small to be Milo's. I feel the pressure on the spear pushing it down, telling me to not murder this Tribute in cold blood. I turn my face slowly to see the eyes of my daughter, begging me to right my wrongs, to continue on the path of growth and strength.
"Stronger together." She whispers, and I can almost feel the warmth coming off of her skin. I feel safe and comforted knowing that soon I could be home and holding her in my arms, returning the same warmth she has shown me throughout my time in this arena without her even knowing it.
"I am strong," I whisper back, noticing that Milo has rushed upon Kalyd's back. "It's okay Lucy, I can do this."
Lucy continues to push the spear down closer to the ground. "You are not alone," she points to Milo, who has shoved Kalyd to the ground nearest Upton's body and has begun to punch him repeatedly. "He is not alone. Don't let him share the burden alone."
"That doesn't make sense. Killing Kalyd together won't make us stronger, it'll make us murderers..."
Lucy shakes her head, although she is laughing. "You can't take the blame for something you have no control over. You are not a victim, you are a fighter."
A lightbulb clicks in my brain and I see now what she means. I don't have to take the weight alone. I did not ask to be thrown into the Hunger Games. I did not ask to hear the last canon and I certainly didn't ask for my first breath of life to be born into this world. I was never in it alone, I was always part of something bigger, something that carries the weight as a whole and not just on my own. It took me death to see it, but it's plain as day.
Stronger together.
By the time Lucy has vanished from my side I see Kalyd reach for the knife in the dead grasp of Upton's body.
"No!" I shout, but by then Kalyd has inserted the small but deadly blade into Milo's heart. Milo looks down in shock, and with trembling hands removes the blade from his flesh. He's straddling Kalyd, with Kalyd laughing below, the blood still protruding from his limb, although his face has gone a ghastly white and his entire body shakes. Milo throws the knife onto the floor and then his body falls limp on top of Kalyd's. His canon sounds, and it seems to vibrate below my feet.
Kalyd continues to laugh, although he doesn't have the strength nor the power to push Milo's large body off of his. I pace around him, waiting for his soul to go off in the Reaper's boat and back into the Underworld where he will forever remain. His laughing slows to a soft cackle, and that's when I reach down to shut his eyelids, and he obeys, letting his body fall into a soft sleep that will last an eternity. His canon sounds, and I don't shed a single tear.
For a moment I have a brief sense of hope, of winning, and of victory, and then I realize American is still alive, withering on the ground, an aurora of pain radiating from his body and spreading throughout the cave. I sit down next to him and with all the strength I can muster I pull his body into my lap and hold him in a tight embrace. I rock my body back and forth, humming a soft lullaby to ease his suffering. He starts to cry, using my skin as a tissue as he sobs. I stroke his hair, and try to keep my melody even as I hum and eventually, change the lyrics of a song I once wrote from a different perspective.
"When you leave the Games today
You're in for a nice surprise.
After you compete in the Games today
You won't need any supplies.
For every Tribute that ever there was
Will put down all of their weapons because
Today's the day we send you on your way."
American's breathing is shallow now, and he moulds into my body, looking for further protection. "I can't remember what death is like, do you?"
Now that I think about it, I don't. I can't. I continue to soothe him, to rock him, and hum to him.
"When you leave the Games today
You're not going to be alone.
It's beautiful where you're going today
And everyone is safe at home.
For every Tribute that ever there was
Will gather around to greet you because
Today's the day we send you on your way."
"Mia?"
"Yes?"
"Do you know how love feels?"
"Yes, I believe I do."
"Hold onto it."
"Your entire body is bloodied and bruised
But that will soon go away.
You've battled all of the beasts to defeat
And you played a very good game.
Beneath the trees, your soul will breathe
You'll float and sway and be with the breeze
Today's the day we send you on your way."
American sighs one last time before glancing over to Upton's body. He reaches out, as if to grasp his hand and then he laughs, a surge of warmth flowing through his body. His head falls limply to the side, and then, finally, the twenty-seventh canon rings in my ears. A ring of cheers and applause erupt throughout the cave, and I realize this is what must be happening live in the Capitol square. The Capitol's favourite underdog has just won again, for the second time against all odds. I don't feel like I've won anything, but I do feel like I deserve to win it.
I gently push American's body off of mine and stagger to my feet, showing the Capitol my body, my personality and everything I have morphed into since death. I am alive, and I am happy to be. God may not want me, but I've sent the Devil back to Hell where he belongs.
My Reaper won't be coming for me today.