Sometimes when you're in a dark place,
you think you've been buried
but you've been planted.
My skin felt like it was constantly crawling.
My beast begged to come out, to comb the woods where out mate was. But I knew where that would end for us, in a position that would end up with us physically and emotionally hurt.
And I wasn't willing to put myself in that situation.
I had fooled myself, this place was worse than it seemed. The Alpha was constantly gone, his scent barely infiltrating my nose when he would come in extremely late at night and leave just a few hours later. I was losing myself when I had promised I wouldn't.
Standing up, I went to shrug on my jacket. But stopped short when I realized Emerson had it. My family hadn't contacted me. I knew they would be busy, but the irrational a part of me felt slightly irritated.
They were my family. But Lycans know not to become attached to the females in their families, after all, once their mate is found then they're whisked away to their mates' pack.
Its easier to live with that when you weren't close to them in the first place. But it didn't make sense, I was close to everyone in my family.
Brushing off the haunting thoughts, I changed into work out clothes, the one thing I've been doing while cooped up in this house. Pack members were excited to see me, piecing together themselves what they think happened, who I am. But I couldn't get close to them, my beast would become attached and then I would struggle with leaving when the Alpha makes me go.
The black sports bra was tight on my body, the color standing out, along with my ink adorning my tanned body. The two wolf and nature-inspired sleeves stood out with the detail adorning them. The black leggings covered my lower half, the tip of my hip tattoo sticking out, the snakehead slithering around the red flowers.
The single line going down my spine had to be my favorite though, the simplicity standing out in my mind.
Leaving my feet bare, I felt the room, going to the gym on the first floor, passing by the kitchen on my way, where Nan, the old woman I first met, stood baking.
"Hello dearie," She grinned as she turned to me, somehow hearing my soft steps.
Damn, I'm still trying to figure out if that smile was creepy or not.
"Hello," I kept my voice quiet, not wanting to draw any more attention to me as her piercing blue eyes narrowed at me.
"What are you supposed to call me dearie?" She propped a hand on her hip.
"Nan," I sighed out, but the painful clench in my heart knew I secretly liked this old lady. I wish I had one of my own back at Callisto, another family member who would remember to call.
I frowned as I left Nan babbling to herself, she would have my hide when she realized I snuck off again while she was cheerfully talking. Telling me how un-luna like it was.
That was the thing though. I never wanted to become a Luna, an Alpha Female. Never in a million years would I have thought this is where I would be at 20 Springs old.
It is uncommon for two of the same lineage to become united, usually most mated coupled are at random. Just because I had Alpha blood running through my veins didn't guarantee I had an Alpha mate.
If we're honest I hadn't wanted one.
As much as a hard ass as I may seem, I wanted a mate. I wanted someone to call mine and be theirs in a way only mates can be.
But my Alpha mate didn't want me.
I could have lived a happy life with an Omega, but instead, I must live in torture from this beast.
Perhaps when I go back to Callisto I will make a proposition to Max. He didn't have a mate, he was a turned. It was extremely rare they didn't have a mate besides a chosen. And while he may be very much older than me, he was ruggedly handsome. His Lycan genes helping in his slow aging.
Maybe I could be happy after all, not as much as I could have been if my mate loved me, but much more so than what I'm living with right now.
I would have to share this new discovery with Olympia, the only one who called me and kept me in touch with what was going on at home.
She would probably be the only one to not think I was absolutely insane to move on from my destined mate.
But what else was I to do but move on, sit there and pine after him? I think not.
The bag in front of me swung on the chains holding it to the ceiling as my breathing was becoming labored at the efforts of swings. The pleasurable burning in my arms feeling like a lick of fire to my soul.
I didn't need a mate.
I repeated the mantra in my head as my beast stayed quiet. She understood where I was coming from, angry at her mate for not coming and being with her when he was so close.
She knew the pain we were being put through now was nothing compared to being separated from him after the Ball.
My beast was a part of me, so during the long restless nights, I know it isn't just her who wishes we were weaker and would have died as the third day passed and he wasn't by our side as we slowly rotted inside out.
Deep down, I knew I had wanted death as well.
And maybe I still do.
My knuckles ached within the confines of the tape around then as I swung my fists out in controlled swings, control that was slipping the more my mind wandered.
Why didn't he want me? Was I that repulsing that even though he couldn't see me, he pushed away from the thought of me. Was there someone els-?
No. My beast snarled at me from inside the confined sharing space of our head.
She didn't like where my thoughts were taking us, she and his beast were bonding, painfully slow might I add, because of the distance the two of us still have.
There wasn't enough recovery for our souls to make as they tried to mend themselves together while conjoining together.
My knuckled shifted painfully, the bones grinding against one another as I dropped my fists, sweat beading on my skin as I looked at the bag in front of me. The grey material swinging ever so slightly from the force of the hits.
I turned, ready to go call Olympia for the night before going for a run in my beast, the one thing that is keeping her stress down as of right now.
Pausing in my steps as a loud crash resounded from up the stairs. Straining my ears, I could faintly hear the labored breathing and glass shattering before the old woman appeared in front of me, eyes narrowed no doubt remembering how I escaped her wrinkly clutches.
She reached out to me but pulled back once I flinched away from her small hands. "Go to him," Her blue eyes sparkled, I watched as Link emerged from the kitchen looking warily at the two of us. "He waits for you."
Her lips pulled into a smile as my jaw set. "Remember darling, don't lack courage?" She patted my cheek, ignoring my flinch. Her wrinkled hand felt strange on my skin, fragile.
The smooth texture foreign from my parents own scarred and rough hands that always held me. The only one whose hands were smooth has been children and Olympia.
The witch the twins were mated to had left a large imprint on my heart. My beast didn't like Leia, I had to reign in control every time I saw her put a smile on my face. But the future Luna didn't have the strength to put her differences aside.
And that would ultimately be her downfall.
Turning on my heel, I ignore Links eyes. Painfully aware of Beckett's soft footsteps that padded the ground 20 feet behind me, constantly following me throughout my time in this pack whose Alpha doesn't want me.
Whose Alpha I don't even know the name to.
Regardless, Beckett has become the one constant in my life. Minus the old woman who was trying to drive the way, the Luna should be into my head, either oblivious or stubborn to not see the way I didn't care.
As much as my beast wanted to stay and lead her fact she was destined to rule, I quickly threw up a solid wall between that part of my mind, not willing to have it influence any of my behaviors.
If I could throw up a wall between the mate bond without it severing with its severe fragility, I would as well. But I couldn't, the both of us would die and as much as I hated my mate for the way he's been to me. I physically couldn't bring him harm like that, harm to the pack.
That didn't stop me from fantasizing about it though.
I didn't knock as I entered his room, ducking to the side when a glass vase was thrown at the door, only to shatter against Beckett's shoulder as he turned the corner after me.
His flinch was slight, ever so present as the glass pierced his dark skin, blood staining the skin.
"What're you doing here?" The Alpha snarled, turning my attention back to him as his skin quivered, his dark hair pulled back at the nape of his neck. "You're supposed to be watching the girl." The way he snarled the word had my wolf bristling.
I'm nothing to him.
"He is," I watched as his skin tensed, the quivering halting as his body froze. He was blissfully unaware I slipped in during his anger filled haze.
"I must say," I drawled on, plopping down on a leather couch in the office. "It's wonderful to know I'm just a girl, Alpha." I stressed the word in the same way he did.
"What're you doing here?" He was seething, his blind eyes unmoving as he stood in the center of the room, chest still heaving.
"The old woman,"
He abruptly cut me off. "She has a name." His words were clipped as if he couldn't wait to be away from me.
I glared at the hunk of a man in front of me. I was aware of what they all called her here, but for me, it felt too personal, too intimidating for a woman who was going to be leaving in a few months' time. Not to mention that the old bat was crazy for sending here.
Maybe I'm just as crazy for listening.
"Take her away Beckett." The dark man walked toward me, he didn't want to remove me by force, but he would if he had too.
I was the one seething as I stood up from my place on the couch. "You know Alpha," I stressed the word again as I began walking away from my seat. "Maybe if you fought your own fights, instead of hiding away and shattering glass. You would find the beast easier to control."
My control snapping had me worrying as a smirk grew on his face.
His sadistic chuckle had me pausing in my steps as Beckett threw me a hurried look. "Little mate," He snarled the words. "Tell me, does anyone care to notice how very broken you are?" He grinned slightly looking into our direction.
"They must, and they must not give a shit to do anything about it." Beckett yanked me from the room before he could finish the statement.
Me on the other hand, I knew I shouldn't have come up here. The old woman didn't know anything. While my beast felt slightly better at the proximity we were with our mate, my feelings were even worse off than before.
If I didn't want death before, I do now.
____________
The moon glared at me from my spot on the floor, phone cradled in my hands.
The goddess knew my thoughts, she was upset with my intentions running through my mind. She knew the pain she was putting me through and she expected me to strive through it.
How was I supposed to survive through this, this isn't a fight where I will just get better afterward. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life.
It's looking as if I'm not supposed to survive through this. Maybe it was the Moons will for me not to survive, to prove a point for us beasts, and the Alpha will go on to being alone.
If it was the Moons will, I would oblige.
Dialing the number, I knew by heart now, I held the phone to my ear. Bringing my legs to my chest as I wrapped my arms around them, laying my chin on my knees as I listened to the dial tone.
"Bexley," Olympia sounded breathless as a rustling happened in the background. "How have you been babe?"
I smiled despite how crappy I felt. "Been better." Her chuckle resounded through the line.
"I could say the same."
We talked for some time about my younger siblings, how they're still upset, Emerson doesn't take the jacket off. About the older siblings who have been so wrapped up in pack duties.
I was upset I was missing so much, Maverick apparently lost his tooth, and when my dad started telling him about the tooth fairy he told him he knew it was fake, right in front of Emerson who has been waiting for the tooth fairy since she grasped the concept.
Apparently, dads face was priceless, I wish I could have seen it.
"Have you been practicing?" The question slipped from my mouth without a second thought.
I had seen Olympias gifts. She healed me while the Alpha had departed from me, I was worse for wear than anyone in my family had seen. Had it not been for Olympia, I'm sure I would have actually died, no doubt about it.
"As much as I can," I could hear the smile in her voice. "I've been doing a lot of reading up, your Uncle Leroy came back, he gave me some of his grimoires for me to study. They're enthralling."
"Yeah," I hid my smile in my knees. "That's Leroy."
"How're things there?" Her question had my stomach dropping as I rose.
"Strange," My response was whispered as I looked around the simple room I was in. "I want to go home."
"He still hasn't talked to you?"
I snorted involuntarily. "Oh, he has. A few degrading marks here and there." I scowled at the closed door remembering the distinct conversation I had a few hours before.
She didn't need to know how bad it really was though, it would get back to my parents and they would feel even worse. She doesn't need to know of my ever-present loneliness, how Beckett was currently situated out of my door, no doubt listening to my conversation.
She most certainly, doesn't need to know how much I wanted it all to end. To tell her where the letter in my room is and go to the bathroom to end all my suffering.
If she knew that then they would never trust me near anything that could end it if I ever needed to.
It would be my secret to keep between me and the moon.
"Bex, hang in there please."
The worry in her voice had tears welling in my eyes, tears that I pushed down. "Just a little while longer Olympia, then I'll be home."
Silence on the other end had me knowing what she would say. "Do you ever think about staying there, maybe he will come around?" There it is.
I knew she was only putting it out there because she knows what it is to have a mate now, being without them. Well, she saw what it was capable of.
"I don't think this life is going to be for me Olympia." She sighed at my confession. "When I get home, I'll probably talk Max up, see if we could be each other Chosen." If I didn't end it by then.
"Max?" She giggled as my beast softly growled, she didn't like to think about moving on from our mate. "He's hot."
"Yeah and he actually talks to me." I couldn't help the snide remark to slip from my lips.
"He seems more like a silent and brooding type to me," I hummed in agreement. You just had to get to know him for him to open up.
"I gotta go, Bex, your brothers just got back from a meeting. We all love you, call me tomorrow?"
My heart constricted in my throat, our calls never felt long enough. "Kay, Olympia. I love you all too, send my well wishes."
She promised she would and then ended the call, I sat their phone sitting on the ground as I rose to my knees. Bowing my head in the light of the moon, I clasped my hands together as I whispered.
I prayed.