-Tionne-
Ughh this little girl is yet again crying in her sleep. It's been 6 months of this every other night she cries or she is screaming, you'd think I'd be use to it by now. But no one can ever get use to someone screaming in the middle of the night. Noelle! Noelle I said shaking her. No don't touch me she said backing up from me. She had tears running down her face and she looked at me like she'd never seen me before. Noelle I said getting closer to her its me Tionne calm down. She just kept looking at me. Mama she said looking at me. Naw girl I am not your mama! She just stared at me like she still didn't know who I was and she was confused as to why I was yelling at her.
Is she okay Kayo said coming into the room? She's fine go on back to bed I said shooing him out of the room. Mama picked up some extra shifts a few times a week to make sure we had enough money so I was responsible for the kids at night. She wasn't like this every night it was only some nights that she would completely freak out like it was routine thing. The first few times I was like "Mama something is wrong with her" but once she told me what really happened to her and how she was shuffled through the foster care system I realized this was more serious than we thought.
I turned my attention back to Noelle and she was shaking and breathing deeply. Come here baby girl I said grabbing her from the top of the bed. No she said pulling away. Come here I said grabbing her wrists and pulling her towards me. I've learned in the past few months if I want her to do something I have to be strict with her meaning I don't take no for answer. She knows I am not playing with her so she eventually gives in and does what I want her to do. Calm down and breathe Noelle! What dream did you have this time I said putting her in my lap? She looked down for a minute before speaking. Andre was touching me again and this time he...he what I said rubbing her back. She couldn't get the words out without crying and breathing heavy to the point where she would give herself asthma attacks. Shh shh I said rubbing her back.
Whisper it in my ear what he did to you. She finally calmed herself down enough to whisper it in my ear. Oh god I thought to myself after what she told me. Don't worry Noelle he's not going to hurt you ever again okay I am here to protect you. But what if he's still mad at me, because he thinks I told and comes after me when he gets out? He's never going to find you, you're safe here. You want some warm milk? She looked at me with this confused face as she wiped the remaining tears off her face. Eww warm milk that's nasty Titi can I have some cold milk. Yeah you can I said laughing a little bit. We went into the kitchen and got her something to drink before sitting on the couch. This seemed more like our nightly routine, we'd come into the living and I'd sing to her while rubbing her back and then she'd fall asleep in my lap. Crazy a few months ago I'd never thought I'd be this close to this little girl. But she got to my heart and now I feel like it's my duty to look out for her.
Tionne! Tionne! Wake up! Huh I said opening my eyes to see mama standing over me. What time is it? 6:30, she have another bad dream? Yeah it's like a routine every other night she wakes up screaming and crying. She sighed before sitting on the other couch. I know I think I found a doctor she can go to that will help her with these nightmares. She really does need to see someone tonight's dream was really graphic. Graphic! Yeah he did something different than all of the other times. And she remembers it? Every detail of it mama it's like she is reliving it every day, how long was he doing this to her? From what I can gather it wasn't too long like maybe a month or so but I think something was going on with her prior to them being put into the foster home. How do you know? I talked to her peditrian last month and she says that she thinks that the sexual assault started earlier. Mama she's 8 how much sooner could this have started? Possibly around 6. Ugh what on earth would make someone want to touch their little sister like that? A person who is sick in the mind.
You go get ready for school and I'll take care of her she said. Naw mama I got her she a hard one to wake up and I know you are tired and don't wanna fight with her. You go to bed I'll get the kids ready and make sure everyone is on their way to school. Thank you Tenese you don't know how big of a help you are. I know mama. I'll cook breakfast and then go to sleep.
Okay I said shaking Noelle! Noelle wake up! Ugh what do you want! For you to get up and not have an attitude about it. She gave me an evil look. Oh I know sister girl I feel the same way now up go brush your teeth and get ready for school I said following her down the hall.
-Helen-
Hopefully this doctor will help her Ava because it's like she is getting worse. Helen you aren't giving up on her are you that's the last thing she needs right now. No I am not giving up on her I am just thinking maybe this was too much for me to put on Tionne. Helen when you told Candace you would take Noelle and raise her like she was your own you knew that it would impact yours, Tionne's, and Kayo's life tremendously but your forgetting that you aren't her only family. So what are you saying Ava? I am saying it takes a village to raise a child, so let us help you with her.
I have a confession and I don't want this to get out to anybody so promise you won't say anything to anyone. Okay she said looking at me confused. I didn't tell the kids that they are actually related. Why not? Because I want Noelle to have a different life I don't want her to think that every corner she turns somebody in her family is going to hurt her. I mean Ava her brother spent the last 2 years raping her, I didn't want her to think every male is going to rape her and every female will treat her like shit. So you didn't tell her that you're her aunt. No as far as she's concerned I am her mother. Wow she said sitting back with this look on her face. I know Candace said take them but she didn't say completely replace her in their lives. Candace said to raise her as my own and this is how I want to raise them. She shook her head and sighed. So what about Andre because he ain't here. That's another issue I have to deal with as well.
Mama Mama Noelle said running in the house. Hey baby girl! Guess what mama? What's that baby? They are teaching us how to paint in art class and the teacher said I had the best painting. You did baby let me see it. Here she said handing me the painting. Wow I said looking at it. You painted this by yourself baby? Yes ma'am from memory too. Look at this Ava I said handing her the painting. Is that... yeah it is she did a good job of it too. She really did. Mama who is this she said looking at Ava like she knew her. You don't remember me NoeNoe? You look so familiar but I can't remember your name. I am your god mommy Noelle remember Ms. Ava. The beach she said like she was remembering something. Yeah the beach for your 5th birthday and Ro took you out in the water for the first time. For the first time in 6 months I saw a happiness about her. Not to say she wasn't happy but this smile she gave was a little different. RoRo my Barbie doll she said laughing. Yeah your Barbie doll Ava said laughing. Here baby go hang this on the fridge. Okay mama she said going to the kitchen. You're right she does need the rest of the family. Maybe you can be the one to take her to the appointments. Anything I can do to help you Helen just let me know. Thanks a lot Ava.
-Noelle-
So you are taking me to a doctor? Yes ma'am your mama wanted you to go talk about these nightmares you've been having. Which mama I said looking at her. Helen she said smiling. Oh okay. Noelle how do you feel about calling her mama? She's actually a mother to me, I mean she looks out for me and when I get sick she takes care of me. Do you miss your mom...I mean your real mom? Sometimes and then other times I don't she wasn't very nice to me towards the end of it. Oh okay she said retuning her gaze back to the road.
Yes we're here to see Dr. Miller! She'll be right with you just take this paperwork and fill it out the lady said from behind the counter. So Ms. Ava how is Roro? She's good baby you know she's in high school and working but other than that she is doing great. You wanna see here when we leave here? Sure! We're ready another lady said coming out of office. You not going with me I said looking at Ms. Ava? You want me to go with you? Yeah I nodded my head. Okay let's go she said grabbing my hand.
Hi Noelle, I am Dr. Miller. Hello! You know why you are here today? Not really but my mama said I needed to talk to a doctor. Is this your mother she said referring to Ms. Ava. No she's my god mommy. Oh okay, so tell me about yourself Noelle. What do you want to know? You have any brothers and sisters. Uhh I have a brother, I said looking down. You do what's his name? Andre, he's...I haven't seen him in a while. I guess the doctor noticed that I was shutting down so she suggested we do something else. Why don't you draw me a picture of a memory you have. Any memory I said. Any memory she said. I went and started drawing one of the very vivid memories I had from when we stayed with the Jackson family. More specifically the night that Andre started to treat me differently.
After 30 minutes I gave her the picture. You want to explain to me what's going on in the picture. This is me laying in the bed and this is my...I started to breathe deeply. Noelle calm down baby girl Ms. Ava said rubbing my back. She has asthma it flares when she gets in situations like this. Oh why don't we try this she handed me these two dolls, a boy doll and a girl doll. Show us what he did. I put the two dolls together and started moving them real fast. When he finished he left me there I said handing her the dolls back. I've seen the pained look that she had on her face before, once from Mrs. Williams and the other time from Ms. Sandra. What he did was wrong right? Yes it was very wrong, he had no business doing that to you. Why don't you tell me about a happy memory that you have.
I remember when I was 5 and Ms. Ava and my mommy took me to the beach for the first time. It was so fun and my god sister took me into the water. Really how did it make you feel when they did that? Loved I said smiling. Do you have any other good memories? Yeah the first time I heard my mama sing in church it touched me in here I said pointing to my chest. It moved you she said smiling. Yes ma'am! And then when I met my Titi. Titi who is that? She's my protector I whispered. Your protector, what does that mean? She's there after I have the nightmares and she holds me and rubs my back. So is she your sister or someone else you met? She's my Big sister my only big sister I said laughing a little. I also have another brother too his name is Kayo he looks after me to. That's nice.
We talked a little more before it was time for us to leave. I'll see you again next week Ms. Noelle! Okay Dr. Miller I said smiling.
-Ava-
Baby girl how you feeling about the appointment? It was okay she was nice. Good, your mama wants you to come back from time to time to talk to her. I am fine with that. Do I have to talk about what Andre did every time? No you can talk about other stuff. What do you want to talk about? Other stuff, like art and music. What kind of music do you like? Well Titi listens to Prince all the time and mama is either listening to gospel or sometime I hear her listening to that old music. Old music I said laughing as we got in the car. Yes its old people music. Okay now missy. Kayo listens to the rap music which is cool sometime too. Well who do you like? I like Janet, Whitney, Cameo, and Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam! You sound like Ro! I like them they make me wanna dance and sing..." How will I know if you really love me" she sang as she danced in the seat. She could actually sing, and well at that.
Let's go see Roro she should be at work right now. Noelle looked around the restaurant as we drove up to the restaurant? You like BBQ Noelle? Yes I love it she said smiling big. She looks just like Candace and Andre, no way the two of them could deny her. We went in and were greeted by Ro immediately! Mama what are you doing here? I brought someone to see you. Who she said looking around. I turned around and Noelle was the menu looking like she was about to order her a plate. Noelle! Huh she said turning around.
I swear when she say Ro she about tackled her. RORO!!! She said jumping on her. Noelle! Mama where you did you find her? Shh...uhh baby you want a plate? Yes ma'am. What you want baby girl? Sausage, brisket, potato salad, baked beans, and two slices of bread. You gone eat all of that? Yes ma I am. I'll get her a one mama she said going to the back to make Noelle a plate. I love bbq she said smiling. You do! Yes its so good and I love the smell of it too. Well maybe when you're older Roro will get you a job here. Really you think they would let me work here. I am sure they would baby I said patting her head. Here you go Noe she said putting the plate in front of her. Thank you Roro!
Mama explain she said sitting next to me. I can't explain everything to you but now that she's safe now and we'll be able to see her whenever we want. So where is her mother? Prison I said lowly so Noelle wouldn't hear. What about Andre! Juvie! So she's alone, by herself. Nope, she's staying with...I promised Helen I wouldn't tell anybody that she was Noelle's aunt but I can hide this from Ro. She's staying with Helen. Ms. Helen from...yeah that Ms. Helen. Why her, you're Noelle's god mother, why would Candace leave her to someone else? She's a lot closer to her than you think Ro. How so mom? Just trust me she's closer to Ms. Helen than you think. Now that she is staying with her we get to spend more time with her. I guess mama I just don't think it's fair you are her god mother, we've been there for her and then she gives her to so someone else.
Look Ro life isn't fair sometimes and if you knew half the stuff that little girl has been through you'd know it didn't matter if she was with us or Helen as long as she wasn't in the foster system. Your right I guess she said looking at Noelle tear up the brisket on her plate. Dang mama she can eat some bbq. I know apparently it's her favorite food. We watched as she cleaned her plate like she hadn't ate in days. You sure Ms. Helen feeding her? Yeah she feeding her I said looking at Ro crazy.
By the time I got Noelle back home it was well after 8. Hey how was the Dr. Appointment? It was very interesting I said carrying her into the house. Dang what yall do to her? 2 plates of BBQ! I'll take her Tionne said reaching for Noelle. It's okay Tionne I can lay her in the bed. Oh okay she said returning her attention back to the TV. She tell the doctor anything of interest Helen said as we got Noelle ready for bed. I understand now why you don't want her to know about the family just yet. You do! Yeah she feels safe with yall, something that she hasn't felt in a long time Helen. So I made the right decision she said rubbing Noelle's head as she slept Yeah you made the right decision! One day she'll understand why you did it too.
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I promise yall the whole book won't be sad and depressing but, this is the foundation of why Noelle was the way she was and how she and Ti developed their close bond.
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