~Noelle~
The last time I saw my mother was 6 months ago and in that time we've been moved around to three different families. The first family wasn't bad but the mom smoked constantly and it upset my asthma so they had to move us after I had an asthma attack and they had to rush me to the hospital. The second home was what it was a white family they were cool but they felt like they couldn't keep Andre cause they feared for their oldest daughters safety. Andre wouldn't hurt a fly and he don't say much to anybody but me. The third home we only stayed two nights before the fleas about tore us up. Nasty people had 5 dogs and 6 cats in a two bedroom apartment. They finally placed us here with the Jackson family, which consisted of at least 5 other kids in a 4 bedroom house on the outskirts of College park. Just barely suitable for them to foster kids I guess. They are a different story altogether they seem to have it together but who really knows with these families.
When am I gonna see my mommy again? Why are you worried about her she tried to sell you for a hundred dollars and a crack pipe the Mrs. Jackson said to me as she threw food into a pot on the stove? No she didn't she loves me I said. Yeah right she loves you she was gonna let that man rape you. No she wasn't I said running into the living room where Andre was with the other boys. Andre I said shaking his arm. What damn Noelle why you being so whiny and clingy. I am not whiny I said pouting. Yeah you are now go on somewhere he said swatting me away.
Yall come on now and eat! I quietly walked and sat at the table. Here she said glopping down something that looked like throw up in the bowl. I was watched as all the other kids ate it like it was the best thing in the world. Mrs. Jackson where is my brother, I said noticing he wasn't at the table. He's out now eat and don't worry about him. I slowly picked up the spoon and started eating the nasty food and mentally gagging at every bite I took. Luckily she gave us bread tonight otherwise I wouldn't have been able to keep that food down at all.
Later that night after we'd had a bath or what she refers to as a bath. Its more of her putting all the girls in the shower together to conserve on water. I was laying in the bunk bed staring out of the window at the moon praying that my mommy would come and get me when the door to the room opened I could see the hallway. Noe! Andre I said sitting up a little. Yeah come on he said extending his hand to me. I quietly slipped out of bed and grabbed his hand as we went out of the room and back into the kitchen. Shh he said smiling as he got the peanut butter and jelly out the fridge and then got the bread out for us. He made us a sandwich and we sat there eating them quietly.
Dre is mommy coming back I am tired of going from home to home? I don't know Noe, no one will tell me if she is. I tried to go and see her but they wouldn't let me in the jail. What about daddy? Noe we haven't seen him what 4 years I doubt he's coming back. I don't like this Dre we've been moved 3 times and every home the ladies get meaner and the food gets nastier. I know but you just gotta be tough okay, don't whine, and keep your mouth shut and your head down okay. I am getting a little bit of money here and there so I'll start bringing you something else to eat at night. Okay Dre I said sighing a little.
Here I got this for you he said handing me a little box. What's this I said looking at it? Happy Birthday Noe he said smiling at me. I smiled at him, my birthday was two months ago and no one thought to celebrate it. Well no one but Andre and I knew it was my birthday, it was the day we left the flea family. I opened the box it was a little gold necklace with a heart on it. Thanks Dre I said hugging him. Love you Noe! Love you too Dre! Hopefully this will be the last home for us he said. I know we've been through a lot in the last 4 to 6 months. You done? Yeah I said handing him the paper towel. Alright little bit go back to bed. Night Dre I said getting up and tip toeing back in to the room. I got back into my bunk said a little prayer before falling asleep.
The next few weeks went by in a blur of the same ole same ole. I did as Dre told me I didn't whine or bring too much attention to myself. I had one thing that meant the most to me and that was writing. One of the foster ladies was actually nice to me and gave me a little brown journal with a yellow flower on it. She said she'd been in the foster system when she was younger and knew I felt. I'd spend most of my days writing in the journal, I'd write stories about my mom and Andre or what it'd be like to live in a different world. Writing is my escape from this hell I know as my life and it's the only thing I know that won't leave or hurt me.
When my foster mom kicks us out till sun down I will play with the other little girls that live in the house. I don't really like them though because they always tease me because I am lighter than the rest of them. They say that I think I am better than them cause I have good hair and my skin is lighter. Sometimes they pull my hair and one time one of them tried to beat me up but I remembered what Dre told me and I hit her in the nose. I got punished for that cause she got blood all over Mrs. Jacksons carpet.
That was the first time someone other than my mother had ever hit me. I didn't know how to process that she'd actually hit me so I locked myself in the bathroom for two hours, until Mr. Jackson came home and took the lock off the door. Dre isn't always around like he used to be, but he makes it a point to bring me a happy meal once a week. We wait till everyone is asleep and sneak out to the backyard and eat under the stars. I still wonder if my mom is okay and if she's ever gonna come back for us and I pray every night that she will show up and take us back home. For now though I have to pretty much look out for myself.
Thanksgiving night...
After we had Thanksgiving dinner Mrs. Jackson sent us to play in the game room but I didn't feel like going down there with all the other kids so I just went into my room and started writing in my journal. It was a little bit after 9 when the room door opened and Dre came staggering in. Dre! No...ellle he said slurring his words. Dre you okay I said getting up and going over to him. Yeah I am fine he said smiling at me! The smile he was giving me was weird and I'd seen it before. When I was six years old and he...he would touch me in my private areas. Come here Noelle he said coming towards me as I backed up a little. Come on I am not going to hurt you he said hugging me a little too tight. All of the sudden I felt him kissing my neck and rubbing my back.
Andre you're nasty I said trying pushing him away. He grabbed my arms and shook me for a minute. Looking in his eyes I realized that my brother was gone and he was going to hurt me. You're gonna do this and when I am done you're not gonna say shit to no one in this house you hear me? I didn't say anything. I said do you hear me Noelle he said smacking me. Yeah I said looking down I hear you.
An hour later he rolled off of me as I silently cried and groaned in pain. Remember don't say shit to no one Noelle he said fixing himself and then leaving the room. I laid there and cried all night until Mrs. Jackson came into the room the next morning and saw that I was bleeding. What happened to you girl? Nothing I said covering myself. You get your cycle and didn't tell no body. I just laid there staring at the Care Bears poster on the wall above the dresser. Get up you nasty laying there in that mess she said snatching me up.
Clean yo self-up she said throwing me into the scolding hot shower. Awww I cried jumping out. Oh quit your bitching she said turning some cold water on. After bathing I got dressed and went to the living room and sat down. Noe! Dre said coming and sitting by me. I scooted away not looking at him. After last night I knew that could no longer trust anyone, not my brother, not these people who were supposed to protect me, no one. I was truly on my own. He saw my reaction got up and left the living room.
He continued to rape me for the next few weeks until the week before Christmas that's when I got the news that I was leaving the Jackson's house. You're leaving Mrs. Jackson said busting into the room. What! Are you hard of hearing or just stupid I said you're leaving pack your shit the CPS people will be here to get you in a few minutes? I immediately started packing what little stuff I did have into my luggage and pulled it out into the living room to wait on the people. Is my brother going with me I said to Mrs. Jackson? No he's been placed out of the system so he's not here anymore. Wait he left me here without saying bye I just saw him the other night? Well he was arrested so he's in juvenile detention till his 18th birthday.
Mrs. Jackson the lady said knocking on the door. Yeah that's me! Is this child? Yeah that's her. Come on now get up she said motioning for me to get up off the couch. Wait I said running back to the bed room I grabbed the little box that Dre gave me and walked back out to the living room. As much as I hated Dre for what he'd done to me I still loved him as my brother and hoped that he'd be okay where ever he was. Hi Sweetie I am Ms. Sandra your case worker. Hi I said looking down. She's one of those rowdy ones so watch her. I looked at Mrs. Jackson like you a lie; I've never caused any trouble here at all.
Can I take your bag she said motioning to the bag. I handed her the bag before looking at Mrs. Jackson smoking a cigarette. The look she gave me confused me because she looked slightly sad but also relieved that there was one less person in her house. I never knew if she knew what Dre was doing to me only that after it happened she was would make sure I cleaned myself really good and she would always ask me if my stomach hurt.
Here I am yet again on the move! Another family another set of people to get use to. God please let my mom come and find me soon!
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I literally cried writing this chapter, I felt every single thing she felt and it was honestly heart breaking. but remember these folks names because it won't be their only appearance in her life. Damn man to be 8 years old and go through all of that. smh!
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