4-26-16
If there's one thing I love, it's happy endings.
I might write a ton of heatbreaking stories that had me crying when i was still typing, but I make sure it'll have a happy ending.
This is all fiction. A bittersweet fantasy. Not reality. And as much as possible? I want happy endings.
Because reality doesn't seem to have plenty of those.
Get yo'self sum free hugs and tissues. Just kidding!
(I still hope you guys aren't minding my wedding or married thing updates recently. It feels good to imagine and dream.)
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And there he was, standing upright at the far end of the altar.
His eyes shone of happiness and contentment.
.
His smile radiated joy all throughout the walls of the old church.
His face glowered frantically.
Step.
One step after another.
Step.
She took a step after another.
Step.
And every step she took....
Step.
Was slowly.....
Step.
Harshly...
Step.
Smashing.....
Step.
Her heart....
Step.
Into a million pieces.
One.
Last.
Step.
Her eyes shut tightly as his figure came clearer. He was smiling down at her, that smile that made her heart clench every single time.
She timidly makes the curve.
And on cue, her eyes poured tears.
And everyone, but him, saw her broken.
That was for the better.
Her eyes remained close as the song started.
The doors opened.
The light from outside seeped through.
And here comes the bride.
Amongst the smiling crowd, she was the fairest of them all.
Her glimmering white wedding gown cascades across the carpet laying gracefully on the center aisle.
The bodice of her gown shimmered all the way through, almost blinding everyone in the scene.
Her pure white veil that was vividly sheer covered her face, but still, the glowing face of the bride was evident and clear.
Her fists rolled into a ball. No, she shouldn't stay anymore. She couldn't stay anymore. She has to escape. She has to get away.
"Would you be kind to hand this to the bride and groom? Please do send my congratulations and gratitude," She spoke, almost too softly, "Thank you, please send them my regards."
And she runs off.
"Ma? Where are you?" A small voice spoke through the phone, "Are you on the cab already?" Impatient, just like his father.
"I'll be there, soon enough okay? Wait for me, take care of your sister," She reminded him, because there was no one else to take care of them. The kid liked being their protector, and she could do nothing but encourage him more. "I will, ma. She's still sleeping soundly. I love you ma,"
It made her heart flutter, "I love you too, okay? I'll be home, wait for me, give the phone back to gramma."
Yes, he may not have her as a wife.
He may not want to be associated with her anymore.
He may not want any sort of connection.
But still, she thanked him for the greatest blessing in her life.
He may not father their children, but she will do her best to be what they need.
And she will be all they need.
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"Ma!!" A high pitched squeal made her almost grimace. Upon seeing her children running towards her, she smiles happily, instinctively opening her arms wide for welcome.
Her little girl hugged her, and her little boy kissed her face all over. She chuckles lightly, "You missed mama that much?" She teased, but they did nothing but nod.
Her daughter asked to be carried, and when she looked at her son his attention was diverted else where.
She became too preoccupied by her daughter's stories that she stood, ice cold when the other tiny voice called.
"Daddy?" Her mouth went dry all of the sudden. She unwillingly turned, only heaving a nervous sigh after witnessing her own son touching his father's face, who was shocked all in all as he knelt before the little boy.
"Are you my daddy?" He remains muted, "You look a lot like me. And my ninangs told me I looked a lot like my daddy."
She puts a hand over her mouth to fight the urge to cry. She felt helpless. Daniel's intimidating demeanor was scaring her to death, and on her throat lies a huge lump.
Before she could stop her daughter, she was wriggling free from her embrace. Soon enough, Chandri stood next to his brother.
Her eyes were full of amusement and curiosity. "Kuya, you're right, you two look so much alike!" She squirms, clapping loudly.
It wasn't then till Daniel's eyes lifted up to her gaze. His emotions were unreadable, but she knew what faith has in store for her.
But still, she wouldn't let it happen. Take everything from her, every single thing, just not her kids. No, not the twins.
"Ma, let's go, I'm hungry!" Her eyes widened as they tugged on Daniel's hand, bringing him along to the comfort of their home.
She stood before her house.
She felt like dropping to her knees, because she was completely aware of the possibilities.
And this is why, she never planned to let him know.
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She remains mute all through out. "Where have you been? Mommy told us that you flew to another country! That's so cool!" Their son muses, smiling cheekily as he waits.
"Yes," Daniel replies, "I did, I was at another country just recently...."
"Yes, and you were there for four years right?! Why didn't you call us so we can pick you up on the airport?! We picked up gramma and grampa once from there!" The little ball of energy blabbered, jumping as he asked a question after another.
"Well, not precisely four whole years on one country. I flew from one country to another," Daniel spills, making little Chaz even more amused than he already was.
"Really?! Wow!" He clasps his tiny hands together, "can you bring me with you to your next destination?! Please, daddy?!"
"Me tooooooo!" Chandri's pigtails went along to the motion of her jumping, and her cute pout was something Daniel had found hard to say no to.
And she looked like her mother, so it was too much of charm. And it brought him to great heights.
"If mommy lets us," he shrugs, "maybe I'll consider." The huge smile that sprawled across their faces made his heart melt. That smile, they totally got that smile from Kathryn. It was the smile that made him fall for her, again and again.
And god, how he missed that smile on Kathryn's face.
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"I know, you're doing your best to supply all the needs of the twins, and your love for them is really, more than enough. But they need a father too, sweetie. They need their father." Her mind was going berserk as what her mom told her went on repeat.
She can't help but pity herself. It scared her that her babies were growing up, once, she held her in her arms and she was looking at her own universe.
What scared her more was that they could make choices. They wanted to be with Daniel, and she knew she wasn't in the picture anymore. It scared her so much, that they have all the right to choose Daniel over her.
"Hey." She shrilled when she heard his voice. "Can we talk?" He asks, promptly.
She bravely turns to him. "About... Chaz and Chandri."
"I don't know, I can't--- please Daniel, don't take them away from me. I can't, please, I can't lose them. Anything but them, please."
His face paled as her tears rolled down the apples of her cheeks. "I'm not going to prevent you from your rights as their father, I'm willing to set up an arrangement, please, just don't take them away from me, oh gosh please," She wails soundly, and the sight sure tore him into pieces.
And yes, he wasn't going to hide it anymore. He loved her. He had always loved her. He still does, and he's pretty sure he'll always love her. Maybe he hid his feelings just because she left him, but he never admitted to himself that his feelings for her were no longer there.
When he saw her beautiful face stained with tears, her eyes screaming, asking for help, and her broken smile, it broke him to shards. It took a lot of smile faking to cover up the pain doubling in his chest.
She walked on that very aisle, and it took him a few deep breaths to convince himself that she wasn't his bride. It took him a lot of shut eyes to finally let the scene of the ceremony proper with her by his side to go and fade.
It took him a lot of battles to finally stop himself from grabbing her and running away.
When she turned and left, he was stunned and he froze momentarily.
It did not take a lot of second thinking when he swiftly left the church with his pride and dignity.
He loved her, and he wanted to fight for her.
"Marry me," he breathes out. She stood before him, wide eyed and shocked.
"I want them to bear my name. I want them to grow up with a father, I want to give them the family they deserve. If you won't comply, then you leave me with no choice." Her eyes fluttered close as her knees turned jelly. She reaches for something to hold on to.
"Fine, I'll marry you," her voice was shaking as her tears stumbled.
It was a make believe. From his stern voice and determined tone, it was obvious that he was after his children. Not her, not a single reason of her.
But how was she going to marry him? If they get married, they'd be living under the same roof and sleeping on the same bed. She was flushed out by the time he spoke again.
"We can make arrangements. It'll be openly public, because I want everyone to know. I presume you'd want a garden wedding?"
"I won't mind." She chirps, biting her lower lip harshly, drawing blood.
"Let's just get this done. I too, want Chaz and Chandri to have the best, and I do think they need a father. I'd do everything just for them."
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The car came to a stop.
It was something he wished to have never happened.
"Thank you, I had fun." Kathryn smiles at him brightly, and it made his heart clench. He took a hold of himself.
"Thank you, too. Finally, today, I saw that genuine Kathryn smile that made me fall in love over and over again." She blushed lightly.
They spent the whole day together. The smile on Kathryn's face almost never faded, and it was the nicest sight he's ever seen. He missed her, damn he missed her so much.
Tonight, he was going to call the wedding off. Why? He didn't want to force her. He loved her, so much that even if it hurts to have her so far away, he'd let her go because she's happy that way.
"It still does, you know? Ha." He smiles fakely. She noticed the bitterness in his voice
"I'm calling the wedding off." He says upright. "You don't need to worry about marrying me anymore. And no, I'm not gonna take Chaz and Chandi from you either. I just....... I feel like I'm being unfair if I continue this craziness just for my own happiness."
"I promised myself, if I ever see your genuine smile today, I'd give everything up and I promised myself that I'll put an end to my illusions. As if you're gonna love me back again if I forced you to marry me. As if you're gonna want to live with me if you knew how I felt. God, I love you so much, and it hurts like hell. It hurts to know how I'm forcing you to things just for my own satisfaction. And I'm sorry, Kathryn. I'm really sorry. I just wanted you to love me again....."
He reaches for her hand and kisses it. She felt tiny teardrops soak a portion of her hand timidly.
"I'm sorry....... I love you........ I will always..... love you." The pained expression on his face made her flinch. She wanted to talk. Right then and there.
But he already had the door pulled open for her.
And when she stepped out of his car.......
She stared at the rocky pavement.
Close eyed, he kissed her forehead, and pulled her into a viciously close hug.
" I will always.... love you," he repeats eagerly, his warm breath giving her shivers.
And his car was soon out of sight.
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"Ma, is dad gonna be here today?" Chad asks, frowning lightly as he glanced on the ticking clock.
It was almost three in the afternoon, and Daniel was not in sight.
"He usually arrives at like, 8 in the morning. Do you know why he's taking so long?" Chandri asks, impatiently, "He promised."
Her heart broke. Not like it wasn't broken before.
"Maybe something came up" She shrugs. Something definitely came up.
At about 6 pm, she knocks into her senses when his figure stood before the door. She was shocked, alright.
She soon recovered, smiling back at him as he smiled sadly. She stepped back a little, giving him enough space to enter.
Her eyes flew shut when he passed. His musky scent left her troubled. He went on, straight to where the kids' were.
And it hurt because she wasn't used to him being like that. Every time he visits, his warm smile would be the first she sees. He'd kiss her forehead, and he'd pull her slightly into a loose hug.
He'd talk, he'd greet her. But now? She didn't hear a single utter from him. He ignored her all night.
She strides towards the room. "Daddy, all of our classmates' parents are married. Why is it that you and mom are not?" She was taken aback of what she heard.
"We don't need to be married......" He says simply, after a while. "Why? Don't you love mommy?"
"I do. I love your mom so much." She hears him murmur. "Then why won't you marry her?"
"There's two sides in the story, Chaz."
"Well..... does mommy love you?"
There was a silence.. a very long silence. The atmosphere seemed to weigh heavier each second that past. She anticipated for the moment he answers.
"Marriage........ marriage won't measure love...... me? I love your mom...... if I can, I'd marry her in a heartbeat......... but there's just......... limitations..... circumstances... Some things are just not meant to be...... it's not enough that I love her..... she has to love me too......"
"So mom doesn't love you?"
"I don't know........ it doesn't matter, okay? What matters is this. You have me, and your mom. We don't need to get married just so we could take care of you both. You guys are lucky because I love you so much and your mom loves you too, and we are more than willing to take care of you..... many kids out there have either no moms, no dads, or worse, no parents at all......."
She hears Chandri sigh. "It just..... I feel like they're happier, daddy. I'm happy because I have you and mom, but I want you to be happy too."
"I am..... I am happy, because I have you guys." The little girl cuts him off quickly, "You're not. You're not happy, daddy. You smile but it's not real."
"It takes time, baby...... I just have to accept that I can't have everything that I want. Okay?" She heard them say their good nights. She quickly moved away from the door, and acted like she was just about to knock.
"Hey," He grimly said upon seeing her, "will you do me a favor?"
"Sure?" She said, confused. "We have to convince Chaz and Chandri that marriage is not necessary..... well, at least in our case,"
"Why..." She asks briefly, "Because if they continue on believing that marriage is the key to happiness, I'm afraid they'll break their hearts...... I don't want that to happen, I want to prevent it already."
"DJ," She starts fiddling with her fingers, shyly looking down... "What if...." It was as if he knew what she was going to say.
"We don't have to get married. You don't have to endure that pain and carry that load...... they're smart kids, they'll understand... If we do, we'd have to pretend like we're happy, when I do know that you won't be.... This is our only option. They'll come around." Daniel smiles sadly, "How unlucky you'd be if you had to marry a man like me..."
She just stared blankly at him. After a while, he sighs. "This is the right route. It will also teach them that they won't get everything that they want."
"Good night." And she, was once again, left standing.
--------------------
Daniel's eyes roamed the house as he stepped out of the twins' room.
Kathryn was nowhere to be found. 'She must be sleeping already,' he thought to himself abruptly.
But not for long.
His gaze trailed to where a big full size window was built. A shadow was formed by the moon's light and Kathryn's figure. She stood, wandering her eyes through the beautiful night sky.
It wasn't as beautiful as her though.
He inches closer, and she must've felt his presence. Her smile was so radiant, her face was highlighted by the moon's glow, her eyes sparkled about. She looks so perfect, at an ungodly hour. She looked so damn perfect in her sweatpants and an oversized shirt.
But how. How does she still look like an angel in that state? How does she make him fall for her even more?
He bit his lip. Everything she does just hits him-- straight to the heart. She could frown and make weird faces, and he'd still be so deeply in love with her.
It sucks to feel that way.
"Kath," He tries to catch her attention, "I'm go--"
"A shooting star!" She claps her hands, her smile only growing more. He saw how she closed her eyes and whisper. And he saw how she opened her eyes again and gave him a stare that made him weak.
He inhales. He, once again, found it hard to breathe.
Shut eyed, he mumbles. "I better get going."
He turns to walk away, but she caught his hand.
And he lost himself.
His eyes stared at her. She stared back. He tried to read her, but he couldn't. He was too busy to.
Next thing he knew, he was already kissing her.
And he was doomed.
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It did not take a lot of thinking for Daniel to unravel himself from the sheets.
"Damn you!" He cries out frustratingly the time he reaches his car, taking evidently heavy breaths while rolling his fists to a firm ball.
He wanted to hit himself. How could he be so ignorant and stupid?
'You love her.' Eyes fluttering close, he realized. His conscience was right.
He loved her. To bits. To pieces. But did he really have to let something happen between them? Again?
How could he lose control? Why did he lose control?
Was it because of how beautiful she looked? How her eyes sparked? How he longed for her?
It was all of them. Every single reason.
He soon calms down. But he knew that all the confusion, the questions and the frustration would not abandon him. The last thing he'd want right now is to die. He decided to stay for the night.
He tried to find a comfortable position on the sofa. But it did not feel right. He was raging, at 2 in the morning.
"Hold your shit together, Daniel." He butchers, massaging his temples, to relax his nerves.
"You have to move on. You can't..... you can't let this happen. You have to stop. You have to move on. Focus, focus." He chants to himself.
It was all true. All these damn illusions were giving him a hard time. He has to stop. There's gotta be a way to stop.
Should he start dating? No.... that would be too brute and harsh. He should not use anyone else.
"Should I stop visiting?" As if frozen, that was where it ticked.
The only way was to stop visiting.
"But..... but....." Tears blurred everything around him. He could feel the pain doubling in his chest.
The kids...... Chandi and Chaz...... he can't..... he can't leave them hanging again.. they've waited years to meet him. They've waited years to be with him.
No. That should not be an option. "No. No."
He breathes out, shuts his eyes, and leans on the sofa. An arm settling on his forehead, but not at all wiping the tears.
He lets the tears flow. He lets himself feel the pain.
He panicked as the sofa bounced to the slightest bit, indicating that another's presence was there.
"DJ..." The thought of him crying hardest a few moments ago was objectified. The pain in his chest got heavier, and he was crying crucially.
"I'm sorry," He stifles a cry, "I'm sorry.... I'm sorry." He repeats, shuddering harshly.
The guilt was overtaking him.
His heart melts. She was patiently waiting for him to speak up, for him to calm down.
But still. She deserved better.
Misty eyed, he met her gaze. Her eyes spoke to him, telling him thousands of incoherent words -- although maybe it was only him. His thoughts were all over the place.
"Look," She darts, uneasy, not blinking even for a single moment, "Whatever happened..... last night..... I want you to know that I......." Pausing, she finally closes her eyes and upon opening them, a pool of tears was all he witnessed.
"I'm sorry......" He acts up immediately, mumbling apologies frantically. "I truly am. I'm so sorry, Kath. I never planned on doing this to you again..... I'm sorry I lost control....... I'm sorry I didn't even try to stop........ I'm sorry......." She slaps a hand across her mouth, as if trying to prevent the sobs threatening to escape.
"I'm a stupid asshole....... a desperate..... ambitious.... and I'm sorry for taking advantage....... I understand if you'd ban me from visiting....... who would want a guy like me to be around his children...."
'Please be a dream,' He'd whisper to himself. But this was reality. And in this reality? He was never meant for her. He was meant to love her, and that's just about it.
"I'll continue sending in..... but I promise to say out of your lives.... you won't see a single strand of my hair, forever. I guess we were meant to live this way. I'm sorry for even showing up again...... I hope they'll understand...... they're smart, just like you. Not a bonehead like---"
"Stop... please.... stop." She pleads, and it only hurts him more.
"You'll stop hurting from now on.... I promise." Determined, he lifts himself off.
"Do you really want me to stop hurting?" She cries, "Then listen. Listen to me. Don't you dare cut me off. Let me finish."
"I'll be freaking honest. I came back here.... for you. Only to find you all smiles with a common friend, her clinging to you. It almost made me want to lash out and snatch you away from her. But I knew I was the one at fault."
"I wanted to keep myself out of your sight...... but I got caught.. I had to endure that pain of having to watch your smiling face as she walked down the aisle...... I kept thinking to myself.... if only I was brave enough." She smiles weakly, breathing deeply once more.
"I thought of....... I thought of using Chaz and Chandri...." She muffles a sob, not minding his stare. "..... but they don't deserve that....... they don't deserve to be treated like that...... I've imagined how sad they would be if they found out that their mother had to ruin a marriage just for them.....and for herself..."
"So I just decided to let it go and just.... leave again..... life would've been okay..... but when you came..... when you found out.... and you accepted it just like that..... life was better.... for them, mostly. You don't even know how happy they finally were....."
"I'm not trying to ask you to stay for me...... I'm asking you to stay, for the kids...... they love you..... they need you..... as much as I'm willing to stand up as a parent alone, I knew having you would be the best for them...... maybe you're thinking.... what happened last night was a mistake..."
"It's not." He quickly responds, "It's not a mistake....."
She smiles, still uneasy. "I'm very much glad to have known that."
"Do you want me to stay?" He intrigues, finally building up the courage. "Not just for the kids..... tell me, Kath.... do you want me to stay?"
He hitches his breath when she nodded. "I do....... I love you. So much..... I don't even care if you don't."
A wide grin etched beautifully into his face. She loves him. Suddenly, all his doubt and worries evaporated. "I love you so damn much. Oh crap, I can't believe this is finally happening."
Before she could even react, he was already on his knee, in front of her, no one but her, and the grin he sported, only for her. "I don't have a ring right now..... but I've loved you even before I knew what love was..... and I don't need a ring to prove that...... I want to spend the rest of my life with you..... there's no doubt in that..... I won't promise you a forever, but I promise you to my last breath, that you're the only one I'll ever love..... and I still have a lot to prove to you, my love..... will you let me prove it all?"
The smile on her face answered it all.
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