This is the BBC Sherlock series, this is one of the best things to happen since like... I dunno, but it is just the best okay? Here we go.
This is a long one, but it's the first conversation Sherlock and John had so deal with it.
John: [Looking around at the morgue's lab equipment] Bit different from my day.
Mike : You've no idea.
Sherlock: Mike, can I borrow your phone ? There’s no signal on mine.
Mike : And what’s wrong with the landline ?
Sherlock I prefer to text.
Mike : Sorry, it’s in my coat.
John: Er, here…use mine.
Sherlock: Oh, thank you.Mike : This is an old friend of mine, John Watson.
Sherlock: Afghanistan or Iraq?
John: Sorry?
Sherlock: Which one was it? In Afghanistan or Iraq ?
John: Afghanistan. Sorry how did you…?
[Molly enters]
Sherlock: Ah, Molly, coffee, thank you. What happened to the lipstick?
Molly : It wasn't working for me.
Sherlock: Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth’s too small now.
Molly : ...Okay.
Sherlock: How do you feel about the violin?
John: I’m sorry, what?
Sherlock: I play the violin when I’m thinking and sometime I don’t talk for days on end. Would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other.
John : You told him about me?
Mike : Not a word.
John : Then who says anything about flatmates?
Sherlock : I did. Told Mike this morning I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is, just after lunch, with an old friend clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Wasn't a difficult leap.
John : How did you know about Afghanistan?
Sherlock : Got my eyes on a nice little place in central London, we ought to be able to afford it. We’ll meet there tomorrow evening seven o’clock. Sorry, got to dash, I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.
John : Is that it?
Sherlock: Is that what?
John : We've only just met, and we’re going to go and look at a flat?
Sherlock : Problem?
John : We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we’re meeting, I don’t even know your name.
Sherlock : I know you’re an Army doctor, and you've been invalided home from Afghanistan. You've got a brother worried about you, but you won’t go to him for help, because you don’t approve of him, possibly because he’s an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife, and I know your therapist thinks your limp's psychosomatic, quite correctly, I’m afraid. That’s enough to be going on with, don’t you think ? The name is Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221B baker street. Afternoon.
Mike : Yeah, he’s always like that.
**
[Getting out of the taxi and on the way to the crime scene.]
Sherlock: Did I get anything wrong?
John: Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.
Sherlock: Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.
John: Harry's short for Harriet.
Sherlock: Harry's your sister.
John: What exactly am I supposed to be doing here?
Sherlock: Sister!
John: No, seriously, what am I doing here?
Sherlock: There's always something.
**
[Sherlock has a small squabble with Anderson upon arriving at the new crime scene]
Sherlock: Ah, Anderson. Here we are again.
Anderson: It's a crime scene. I don't want it contaminated! Are we clear on that?
Sherlock: Very clear. Is your wife away for long?
Anderson: Oh don't pretend you worked that out! Somebody told you that!
Sherlock:Your deodorant told me that.
Anderson: My deodorant.
Sherlock: It's for men.
Anderson: Well of course it's for men! I'm wearing it!
Sherlock: So's Sergeant Donovan. [sniffs] Ooh... I think it just vaporised. May I go in?
Anderson: Now look, whatever you're implying-
Sherlock: I'm not implying anything. I'm sure Sally came round for a nice little chat, and just happened to stay over. And I assume she scrubbed your floor, going by the state of her knees.[Sally looks visibly embarrassed]
**
[Sherlock is looking at Jennifer Wilson's body, alone with Lestrade and John]
Sherlock: Shut up.
Lestrade: I didn't say anyth —
Sherlock: You were thinking. It's annoying.
**
Lestrade: Cardiff?
Sherlock: It’s obvious, isn’t it?
John: It’s not obvious to me.
Sherlock: Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.
**
Anderson: [In the doorway] She's German. [This breaks Sherlock's concentration] "Rache," German for revenge, she could be trying to tell us...
Sherlock: [Interrupts] Yes, thank you for your input. [Shuts the door in Anderson's face]
**
John: You don’t have a girlfriend, then?
Sherlock: Girlfriend? No, not really my area.
John: Oh right then. [pause] Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way —
Sherlock: I know it’s fine.
John: So you’ve got a boyfriend?
Sherlock: No.
John: Right, okay. You’re unattached, just like me. Fine. Good.
Sherlock: John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and while I am flattered by your interest I’m —
John: No —
Sherlock: — really not looking for anyone —
John: No. I’m not asking — no. I was just saying. It’s all fine.
Sherlock: Good. Thank you.
**
Sherlock: Did he offer you money to spy on me...?
John: Yes.
Sherlock: Did you take it?
John: ...No?
Sherlock: Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it through next time.
**
John: You got all that because you realised the case would be pink?
Sherlock: Well, it had to be pink, obviously.
John: Why didn't I think of that?
Sherlock: Because you're an idiot. [John looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.
**
[John comes back after the self check out at the supermarket refuses to accept his credit card]
Sherlock: You took your time.
John: Yeah, I didn't get the shopping.
Sherlock: What? Why not?
John: Because I had a row... in the shop... with a chip and pin machine
Sherlock: You had a row with a machine?
John: Sort of. It sat there and I shouted abuse at it.
**
[Watson enters]
Sherlock: I said 'Can you pass me a pen?'.
John: What? When?
Sherlock: About an hour ago.
John: Didn't notice I'd gone out then?
**
John: [when Sherlock is not answering the door] Okay, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone, because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!
**
Sherlock: I need to get some air; we're going out tonight.
John: Actually, I've got a date.
Sherlock: What?
John: It's when two people who like each other go out and have fun...
Sherlock: That's what I was suggesting.
John: No, it wasn't. At least, I hope not.
**
John: There are lives at stake, Sherlock! Actual human lives— Just, just so I know, do you care about that at all?
Sherlock: Will caring about them help save them?
John: [angrily] Nope!
Sherlock: Then I'll continue not to make that mistake.
John: And you find that easy, do you?
Sherlock: Yes, very. Is that news to you?
John: No. [pause] No.
Sherlock: [realising] ...I've disappointed you.
John: [sarcastically] That's good, that's good deduction, yeah.
Sherlock: Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist, and if they did, I wouldn't be one of them.
(After Sherlock rip off the explosive coat from John)
John: I'm glad no one saw that.
Sherlock: Mm?
John You ripping my clothes off in a darkened swimming pool. People might talk.
Sherlock: People do little else. [smiles]
**
Little Girl: They wouldn't let us see Grandad when he was dead. Is that cos he'd gone to heaven?
Sherlock: People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned.
John: Sherlock...
**
John: You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?
Sherlock: It's okay, I'm fine. Now... show me to the stream.
John: I didn't really mean for you.
Sherlock: Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass.
John: When did we agree that?
Sherlock: We agreed it yesterday.
John: I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.
Sherlock: It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.
John: Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?
Sherlock: I don't know, how often are you away?
**
[In Buckingham Pallace, Sherlock is wrapped in a sheet, apparently naked]
John: Are you wearing any pants?
Sherlock: ...No.
John: Okay.
**
[Sherlock and John are in Buckingham Palace]
John: What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?
Sherlock: I don't know.
John: Here to see the Queen?[Mycroft Holmes walks in]
Sherlock: Oh, apparently yes.[They fall about laughing whilst Mycroft stares disapprovingly]
Mycroft: Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?
John: We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.
**
[Mycroft hands Sherlock, who is still undressed, some clothes]
Mycroft: We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!
Sherlock: What for?
**
Sherlock: Punch me in the face.
John: Punch you?
Sherlock: Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?
John: I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.
Sherlock: Oh, for God's sake! [punches John in the face. John punches him back, before jumping onto his back and grabbing him in a chokehold] Okay, I think that's enough now.
John: You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people!
Sherlock: You were a doctor!
John: I had bad days!
**
Irene Adler: Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?
**
Mrs Hudson: It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.
Mycroft: Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson!
Sherlockand John shout: Mycroft!
Mycroft: [A long pause] Apologies.
Mrs Hudson: Thank you.
Sherlock: Though do in fact shut up.
**
Sherlock: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.[Cuts to Mrs Hudson's downstairs flat, where John is cleaning her face]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, it stings. [Something large and body-shaped falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins.[Cuts to police officers and paramedics congregating outside as an ambulance leaves and Sherlock stands by Lestrade on the sidewalk]
Lestrade: And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?
Sherlock: Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count. *This was the best I loved Sherlock in this he was so protective*
**
Sherlock: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson!
John: Shame on me?
Sherlock: Mrs Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!
**
[Sherlock bursts into the room, covered in blood, brandishing a harpoon]
Sherlock: Well that was tedious.
John: You went on the Tube like that?
Sherlock: None of the cabs would take me.
**
[Sherlock has just insulted Mrs. Hudson; she's run off in tears]
John: Go after her and apologize.
Sherlock: Apologise? Oh John, I envy you so much.
John: You envy me?
Sherlock: Your mind; it's so placid, straight-forward, barely used. Mine's like an engine, racing out of control; a rocket tearing itself to pieces, trapped on the launchpad... I need a case!
John: You just solved one! By harpooning a dead pig, apparently.
Sherlock: Oh, that was this morning. When's the next one?
John: Nothing on the website? [Sherlock stands and hands John a laptop showing a message on "the Science of Deduction" website]
Sherlock: "Dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes, I can't find Bluebell anywhere. Please, please, please can you help?"
John: Bluebell?
Sherlock: A rabbit, John!
John: Oh.
Sherlock: Ah but there's more; before Bluebell disappeared it turned luminous like a fairy according to little Kirsty, then the next morning Bluebell was gone. Hutch still locked, no sign of a forced entry. [gasps] What am I saying? This is brilliant. Phone Lestrade, tell him there's an escaped rabbit.
John: You serious?
Sherlock: It's this or Cluedo.
John: Ah, no. We are never playing that again.
Sherlock: Why not?
John: Because it's not actually possible for the victim to have done it, Sherlock, that's why!
Sherlock: It was the only possible solution!
John Watson: It's not in the rules.
Sherlock: Well then the rules are wrong! [Doorbell rings]
John: Single ring.
Sherlock: Maximum pressure, just under a half-second.
Both: Client! *I loved this whole exchange it was brilliant*
**
John: You're just showing off.
Sherlock: Of course. I am a show-off, that's what we do.
**
Moriarty: Every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain. You need me or you're nothing — because we're just alike, you and I. Except you're boring. You're on the side of the angels.
**
Mycroft: Too much history between us, John. Old scores. Resentments.
John: Nicked all his smurfs? Broke his Action Man?
**
[Sherlock has just been arrested. The Chief Superintendent is wandering around the flat]
Chief Superintendent: Looked a bit of a weirdo if you ask me. They usually are, these vigilante types. [John stares at him] What are you looking at?[Cuts to the Chief Superintendent nursing a bloody nose. John is slammed up against a police car next to Sherlock]
Sherlock: Joining me?
John: Yeah, well, apparently it's against the law to chin the Chief Superintendent.
**
Sherlock: You're wrong, you know? [Molly gasps in fright and spins round] You do count. You've always counted and I've always trusted you. But you were right. I'm not ok.
Molly: Tell me what's wrong.
Sherlock: Molly... I think I'm going to die.
Molly: What do you need?
Sherlock: If I wasn't everything you think I am, everything that I think I am... would you still want to help me?
Molly: What do you need?
Sherlock: You.
**
Sherlock: [John struggles to keep up with Sherlock as they flee handcuffed together] Take my hand [grabs John's hand].
John: Oh, people are definitely going to talk.
**
Moriarty: You think you can make me stop the order? You think you can make me do that?
Sherlock: Yes. So do you.
Moriarty: Sherlock, your big brother and all the King's horses couldn't make me do a thing I didn't want to.
Sherlock: Yes, but I'm not my brother, remember? I am you. Prepared to do anything. Prepared to burn. Prepared to do what ordinary people won't do. You want me to shake hands with you in hell? I shall not disappoint you.
Moriarty: Nah — you talk big. Nah... you're ordinary. You're ordinary — you're on the side of the angels.
Sherlock: Oh, I may be on the side of the angels... but don't think for one second that I am one of them.
**
Sherlock: [talking to John on the phone while on the roof of St. Barts] I'm a fake.
John: Sherlock...
Sherlock: The newspapers were right all along. I want you to tell Lestrade, I want you to tell Mrs. Hudson and Molly; in fact, tell anyone who will listen to you... that I invented Moriarty for my own purposes.
John: Ok, shut up, Sherlock. Shut up. The first time we met - the first time we met, you knew all about my sister, right?
Sherlock: Nobody could be that clever.
John: You could.
**
John: You... you told me once... that you weren't a hero. Umm... There were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this. You were the best man, the most human... human being that I've ever known and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, so... there. I was so alone... and I owe you so much. But please, there's just one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me, don't be... dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this...
**
*Now that I've successfully ripped out your hearts, have a good day!*