So sorry I haven't been around much, school and other non-important stuff, but here we are with yet another tumblr version, because tumblr is full of anti social awkward little weirdos. :)
Btw when I put a '-' it means the first person is speaking, when I put '~' it means someone else is speaking.
One time my friend got a boner in class and the teacher thought it was his phone and grabbed it.
so i was trying to google that scene in pirates of the caribbean where jack and will are walking underwater with the rowboat over their heads cause it looks cool and i wanna try it
but the thing is i googled “boat scene in pirates of the caribbean”
*can someone translate this i dont know british
~I’ll do my best
*ahem* AY YO MA
-licking your armpit is like licking your elbow
*i just licked my armpit to counter this and now i feel gross
SOMEONE DID IT
I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO PROVE ME WRONG
~I’M SO Pissed OFF RIGHT NOW goD DAMN IT
- what do you call a plate with a condom on it?
- thats okay you can condomplate it for a bit
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
"what’s a queen without her king?" well, historically, better
i see you’re paying attention to someone who is not me. why is that.
- whoever created chinese food is my hero
~probably the chinese
-swans are just larger, sexier ducks
-i definitely dont remember making this post
"are you ready to ROCK?????" i scream out to the crowd. everyone is in rocking chairs. they are very excited to rock
I’m home alone with the tv repair man
Im no fool, there is only two possible outcomes of this scenario
porn or murder
-Apparently there was an unforeseen third outcome where he fixes the tv and then leaves
our friend noah
almost got mugged today
they were like “give us your money”
and he literally was like “no thanks?” and WALKED AWAY
and it worked
WHAT THE FUCK????
~me and my friend were walking down the street and she had her phone in her back pocket and she felt someone take it and she immediately turned around, grabbed his arm, and said “phone.” and he just gave it back
*WEAK-ASS MUGGERS GOD PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER
omfG my spanish flatmate just turned to me and said ‘i need to ask you something embarrassing’ so i sort of said oh yeah sure no problem
and he was like
'people keep telling me they are having 'two sex'?'
'i ask them for something, and they say they will do it after two sex or to give them two sex? is this a common thing here?'
they mEAN ‘TWO SECS’ AS IN TWO SECONDS THE POOR BOY THOUGHT WE’RE ALL ONLY GONNA DO STUFF FOR HIM AFTER HAVING SEX TWICE B L E S S
-why did they hire
a human actor
~youre right they should have hired a dragon
-damn son vaginas get itchy too and u don’t see us shoving our hands down our pants it’s called self control go find some
-DAMN SON VAGINAS GET ITCHY TOO AND U DON’T SEE US SHOVING OUR HANDS DOWN OUR PANTS IT’S CALLED SELF CONTROL G O F I N D S O M E
I really hate when people say you shouldn't use the computer or watch TV before going to bed and instead you should read a book because you need winding down time or you wont sleep. Ha ha good one do you know what happens if I start a book before bed?! I end up fucking finishing it that's what
If you like putting pineappble on your pizza I hope you enjoy putting pineapples on your children's graves because you're WEAK your bloodline is WEAK and you will not survive the winter
- My girlfriend (who is asleep) just rolled over, wrapped her arms around me and very lovingly whispered "I want to murder you"
~The important thing is she hasn't yet and that means she loves you.
- Your tongue doesn't fit comfortably in your mouth.
~You're right, maybe it would fit better in yours
I AM SO FUCKING PUMPED FOR CHRISTMAS I EAT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AS CEREAL I USE EGGNOG AS MY CONTACT LENS SOULTUION IM GROWING A BEARD
The nurse gave me some vallium before my surgery so I wouldn't have a panic attack when they tried to put me under and just when it was starting to kick in I met my doctor, who told me I have the same name as his kid and I just nodded thoughtfully and said "We must battle so I can become the alpha" and my dad nearly fell off his chair he was laughing so hard
hOLY SHIT SO TODAY IN CLASS THE WEIRDEST SHIT HAPPENED
a bee got into my class and everyone was freaking out, so all of a sudden this kid goes "I GOT IT" and then he fucking pills out a RUBBER FUCKING BAND AND SHOOTS IT DOWN IN ONE TRY
MY TEACHER JUST STOOD THERE NOBODY KNEW HOW TO REACT
~ "Son I'm here to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative
In middle school we had to do a discussion about our family and a girl in my class stood up to talk about her family and she said that her dad had died, so being curious I asked what happened to him and she turned her head, looked directly at me and said in the most serious tone ever "He got in my way" and that was the moment I learnt what true fear is.
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