Okay, so recently I found this thing on facebook called 'Status Shuffle' and omg, I love it! Some of them actually make me laugh so hard, so this is some of the one's I like and found funny, hope you enjoy my lovely's :)
"I wanna go to Walmart, knock all the Dora toys on the floor and when someone comes to pick them up I'll yell "SWIPER' NO SWIPING!!" "
"The sheep I'm counting keep hitting the fence instead of jumping over it. Either they need to go on a diet or I need to get some sleep!"
""I wasn't that drunk" Dude, you climbed up a tree and said "OH MY GOD! Look how big this piece of broccoli is!""
"attempted to 'dance like no one was watching', but someone happened to be watching, and mistook my dancing for a seizure and called an ambulance."
"Sometimes people need to be high fived in the face..with a steak knife :)"
"Head and Shoulders shampoo should make a body wash called Knees and Toes." - I laughed so hard at this one.
"They say you are what you eat, but I'm pretty sure you can't eat AWESOME!!"
"Painting all the stones in my garden white, ready for my snowball fight next week with the kids next door :)"
"thinks I've found a simple cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch"
"I don't gossip, I recycle information"
"A friend of mine said onions are the only food that makes you cry. That was before I hit her in the face with a Watermelon."
"when you walk into a building soaking wet and someone asks you if it is raining then just smile and answer:"No, I took my fish for a walk!"
"Next time someone rings your home phone test their intelligence by replying with, "Hi, can I call you back I'm driving"
"...was all snuggled up and warm in bed, sleeping and having a wonderful dream, then the MONDAY SHOVEL came and smacked me in the face"
"f u feel stressed, give yourself a break Eat some ice cream, chocolates, candy & cake Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS!"
"Go Compareeee Go Compareeeee give me a bat to hit the twat at Go Compaaare." If you've never seen the 'Go Compare' advert, go and Youtube it, you will want to punch a hole through your computer screen.
"Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts :: Others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face."
"The Other Day I was In asda in the fruit and veg lane i saw a midget picking a mushroom up I couldn't help but shout grow Mario grow!!!"
"I told TV licence man "No TV here" "Well there's an Ariel on the roof" I said well there's a pint of milk on the doorstep don't mean there's a cow in the kitchen"
"When somebody says "Expect the unexpected" slap them in the face and say " You didn't expect that did you."
"why I wear fluffy socks: 2%: comfort 3%: warmth 95%: to slide across the floor like a freaking ninja!!!"
"Next time you go on a roller coaster bring some spare bolts with you & tell the person in front of you, "Dude these came out of your seat!"
"Time flies when your throwing your alarm clock across the room."
"The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while i wait for the kettle to boil"
"Why do supermarkets always ask you if you want a bag! "No its OK I'll just balance everything on my head its much easier"
"The Jeremy Kyle Show:The only place you'll see a six month old baby with more teeth than their parents."
"My cooking is fabulous, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on."
Lol, love them, leave some requests at the bottom if you like, thinking about doing a Twilight page... but didn't know if anyone would want to smack me in the face if I did lmao! Hope you liked :)
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