Terry Pratchett.

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Sir Terence David John "Terry" Pratchett, (seriously is his name) is an English author of fantasy novels, this man is a freaking hero and has some wacky books with awesome quotes. Read his books if you ever get the chance they'll blow your mind. 

"You need to believe things that aren't true. How else can they become?" 

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"Given enough coffee I could rule the world" 

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"Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men" - Can I get a hell yeah? 

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"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods, they have never forgotten this" 

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"Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it." 

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"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." 

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"It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living." 

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"It seems that when you have cancer you are a brave battler against the disease, but when you have Alzheimer's you are an old fart. That's how people see you. It makes you feel quite alone." 

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"Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages." 

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"Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can. Of course, I could be wrong."

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"They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance."

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"It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing." 

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"The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp." 

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"Sometimes it is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness." 

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"Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself." 

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"Getting an education was a bit like communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then gave you the urge to pass it on" 

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"There is a rumour going around that I have found god. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist" 

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"Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show" 

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“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH', the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.” 

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“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.” 

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“Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.” 

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