SONG FOR THIS CHAPTER- DON'T LET ME GO by HARRY STYLES (Gahh the feels kill me every time! Like honestly it's even harder for me because I can relate and it's creepy how accurate it is. ***AND I COMPLETELY FORBID YOU FROM READING THIS CHAPTER WITHOUT IT***)
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H A R R Y
It's been a week.
It's been a week without hearing her beautiful voice laughing, of not listening to her seductive words, of not tasting her lips on mine, of not seeing her precious smile.
But I can still feel her love.
God, I miss her so much. She's the only person in the world that makes me feel like I'm worth a damn- that caring for me and showering me in love is worthwhile.
But I took that for granted. I broke her trust and so she can't even look me in the eye anymore.
She's afraid of me; afraid that I would hurt her over and over when I don't mean it at all.
Even when she would pass by me, she would pull on a straight face. But inside those emotionless eyes, I can see the hurt and pain I've caused her.
I'll be the only one to blame.
"Harry, tell me how Caroline looks in this wedding dress!" The Queen says, tightening the bust on Caroline from behind -she staggers as the Queen pulls. The dress is beautiful; high neck, the chest netted and patterned florally. The train is ruffled and about two meters long. Caroline avoids my eye contact, her eyes misting up with tears. I lean against the wall, looking down at my shoes. I manage to choke out three sincere words.
"She looks beautiful."
I'm broken and lost without her- so I quit my job at the Courageous kingdom right away. King Al never questioned why, which I guess is a good thing. I never even said goodbye to Caroline. I just left: just like my father.
Niall, Louis and Zayn have visited a few times at my shitty motel room. I've surrounded myself with bottles of liquor and have sketched Caroline's beautiful face over and over. I look back to the first one I've drawn back when I was her guardian.
To think that I've made that smile fade, and those mesmerizing eyes tear up...I'm a monster. She never deserved any of this pain. I've ruined what we had. Why couldn't I have just told her the truth?
Because she'll hate you even more, A little voice inside my head says.
Wait- The real question is, why did I have to agree to this job anyway?
Speaking of which, King Ivan was so pissed at me when I told him I quit. Mother Queen insists that I did the right thing; rather than her being in love with me and I breaking her heart later on. But that can't stop me yearning for Caroline again.
I still love her the same.
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C A R O L I N E
It's been a week.
A week without his usual sexual
remarks, without his lousy jokes,
without his signature smirk, without his strong arms to embrace me whenever I feel like I have the need to cry.
The part that sucks the most is that I may never experience the feeling of him ever again.
A few days ago, I received the news from Zayn that Harry quit. I still cry myself to sleep, clutching his sweater to my heart. The smell of him is so comforting, knowing that the presence was once in love with the broken girl hidden behind a permanent mask. It feels as though all the tears from my body are drained, I just don't know how else to explain the guilt churning and rising up my throat.
There is a terrible achey feeling at the pit of my stomach because it feels as though I'm the reason. He never even said goodbye...
That's how much he must hate me.
I feel bad that I ignored him for so long. I feel bad that my marriage to Liam is still on and I don't have the damn voice to say no.
Harry taught me so much about the world that I never knew of. He made me believe that even in the darkness, a thin stream of light will lead the way to a better life. He made me feel things I never knew were possible...
Without him, I'm impossible.
Liam left the castle three days ago, he'll be back with his family for the stupid royal wedding. My parents seem to be jolly and giddy all at once- its sickening to know they don't care if I'm happy or not. As long as things go their way.
My mind is racing with thoughts of Harry, even though I try so hard to push them away. He's gone and he'll never come back for me. How is he doing? Is he seeing someone else? Is his father still abusing him? Did his father hurt him because he quit the job and let go of all the money he earned? Is Harry happier now? Does he miss me like I miss him?
I just can't help but care.
Maybe I should talk to someone who won't judge me...someone who will listen. I know who.
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H A R R Y
I lie in bed for practically half the day now, empty beer bottles scattered across the ground. My body is slightly hanging off the mattress...I don't give a damn if I fall.
The pain won't be as bad as the one aching and stabbing my heart.
Turning my head face down into my old pillow, I feel the moistening tears I've shed for the past days. Without Caroline, my life is a living hell. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.
My phone rings with that fucked up quaking ducks ringtone Caroline set for me. Thinking about her makes me even more upset so I don't answer it. A couples of seconds after the ringing halts, it fades in again. Won't anyone let me loathe in fucking peace? Sighing angrily, I pick it up.
"Hello." I greet bluntly.
"Hey Haz. I just wanted to check on you." Niall says softly.
"What are you, my cliché life coach?"
I hear a muffled chuckle from the other end. That wasn't suppose to be funny. "Well, kind of I guess."
"So what do you want?" I ask straight up.
"Nothin. Have you done anything from when I came over last time?"
"Nada."
"You can't drown yourself in depression forever, ya know."
"I can if I want to."
He sighs."Why don't you just go back and tell Caroline the truth?"
"I can't and you know that. End of story." At this point, I'm ready to cut the line. But Niall speaks.
"But you got to live your life. Okay fine, just pretend like you never met Caroline. How did you spend your day before that?" Niall counsels and I roll my eyes.
Hitting the pubs, getting wasted, getting into fights, painting and sketching random things, ending up in bed with a babe the next day...yup, this is pretty much my life in summary.
Well, there's something I do that makes me feel a whole lot better about myself, and gets me in touch with my soft side even though I don't want to.
Visiting my mum's grave.
"Bye Ni...And thanks." I feebly smile before ending the call. Maybe I just need to talk to her about my life lately, maybe I just need her word of approval.
Maybe...I just need to be with her.
•~•
Walking through the green field lined with tombstones, the cool air seeps through my thin sweatshirt. Which I think is pretty odd for a day in June. My mind has memorized the row of where my lovely mother rests and my instincts have led me to this place where I can tell her everything that's on my mind.
Well, Caroline used to be that person for a fairly long time, but now I guess this is a good time to catch up with mum.
As I walk closer and closer to my mother's stone, I hear a voice sob.
"I'm sorry Mrs. Styles, I'm sorry I let you down. I know you told me to keep your son happy, but I broke that promise. He's gone from my life now, but- but I think I still love him." A frail feminine body lies beside my mum, being hunched over. A whole bouquet of blooming white roses lie at the stone.
I don't move. My body is frozen like a deer in the headlights. I thought this was the only place I would take my mind off Caroline, but here she is, talking to my dead mother.
"I'm just scared that everyone hates me now. They don't tell me anything. I may just be paranoid, but I feel like everyone knows something I don't and that's why they're treating me this way. What did I do so wrong, tell me..." She says hopelessly, still hunched over. Suddenly, my heart is filled with guilt and pity for her. She's just as broken as I am.
And so, our broken pieces complete each other.
"Harry was the only person I let in. I was raised with the thought that I was a pretty confident and happy person, but now I realized...I've been shutting people out too. I'm such a hypocrite, I can't do anythi-"
"Caroline?" I cut her off hoarsely. Right away, she straightens up and turns to see me. It seems as if she's embarrassed, her eyes swollen with tears and cheeks a reddish hue.
She quickly wipes her eyes and stands up tall. "I...um, you- Harry." Her words are as jumbled up as the gymnastically powered feeling, doing backflips in my stomach.
"What are you doing here?" I ask her coldly, my gaze shifting to my shoes again. Why are you being such a jerk, Harry? It was you who fucked up, not her.
"Never mind that, how are you?" I ask her, changing the topic in the most subtle way possible. Her eyes start misting up with tears again...I can tell she's not doing much better than I am. The way her eye bags are highlighted and how her wrist bones are so defines, it looks as if she hasn't eaten much in days.
What have I done...
"Why didn't you say goodbye? Did it hurt to at least say goodbye or see me one last time?" She asks angrily, but it seems more hurt and sad instead.
"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Caroline. I fuck up in ways you can't even imagine. You don't deserve to be hurt by a prick like me...I want you to live happily and safely with Liam." The words are like acid on my tongue.
"Don't you understand? I won't be happy with Liam, my life'll be the worst nightmare I'd hope to wake up from! You can't do this to me Harry, how could you have the right mind to leave me stranded?" She's now yelling, tears spilling from her eyes. She has stepped closer to me, pounding my chest hard with her fists. I don't notice when big, fat tears are rolling down my face as well.
I'm too ashamed to answer her question. "It's not fair if you lead me half the damn way and leave me to find my way for the rest!" She says as I realize that now, she has her tear soaked face buried in my chest.
But I don't push her away; this was what I wanted for the past days. This is what completes my emptiness and fills my heart with indescribable sparks.
"I can't, Care. I don't want to be the cause to your pain."
"You won't cause me any pain!"
"Yes I will, you're better off with Liam, just trust me."
"Please." She begs as she clutches me harder, her sobs growing more soulful and loud.
"Please...just trust me. I'm doing this for you."
"Okay." She slowly says and I wrap my arms tighter around her. "In case you change your mind, I'll be waiting for the day you come back for me. Just remember." These words hit my hard with a pang.
"I'm sorry I couldn't fix you." I cry into the comfort of her tear stained hair.
"I'm sorry I couldn't fix you either." She says back, and this is when I feel like what we had was true...a one in a million chance...
A once in a lifetime love.