Hello everyone. I know it's been awhile since I updated. Why? Because there's something I want to tell you all that I've been keeping for awhile.
Throughout the years, I have been struggling with insecurities and writer's block. I tried to take a break from Wattpad and distract myself through games like Genshin impact and obey me yet I still feel like crap when thinking how much my Twisted Wonderland fanfic is utter shit every time I read most of twisted wonderland fanfics. I even cut myself off from tumblr cuz I felt like the odd one out of the fandom and I don't feel happy there.
Most importantly, I lost the one person that I considered her as a friend today. We haven't talked for awhile. I reconnect with my friends online in Discord so I won't be lonely, however I blew my chances because of the consequences of my actions. This isn't the first time I let my inner demons get to me. I let this happened twice a few days ago and past months. This person was never a bad person that I deemed her to be.
She was the person who was trying to give advice and constructive criticism from a writer's perspective and I ended up being a jerk to her.
I know how my friendship with her damaged. It's because I was so keen on being perfect to the eyes in Wattpad that I ignore the people who loved and supported me in Wattpad for years. I was such a jerk for that and I was a jerk towards my friends online too. I was a jerk cuz I want to be like her, but I also envied her. I also have anger issues and have a fixed mindset that everyone is attacking me, but I don't want to let everyone know including my friends so I kept my emotions simmer until we can't hold it anymore as what my brother so I won't hurt them, but I did in the end. Not only that, but I dragged my friends from the server into the conflict that they have nothing to do with. Now I'm dealing the consequences of my actions. My friends from the Discord and Wattpad are now wary of me because of the second incident.
That's why I'm telling you guys in Wattpad, those who follow me, and my friends who are in Discord, from the bottom of my heart.
I want to grow and learn from my mistakes. I hate the person I am today. I'm sick and tired of being insecure, being hateful, bitter, miserable. I can't keep doing this to myself. I can't keep bottling my emotions and feel bad about myself every time I lash them out like that makes it okay. I need to be better in the future if I want to build relationships with others. Therefore, I will do my best to commit my efforts to be a better person. I will put my fixed mindset of being perfect because nobody in this world is perfect. We're humans who are trying to find their places in the world and try to improve themselves so they could be better in the future.
Not everyone will like my books and I can't do anything about it. I can't change their minds. Cuz that's how life is and I have to deal with it. I'm currently getting professional help, but this time I'm going to commit myself into improving my behavior, forgiving myself, and stop hating myself, so I won't make any mistakes in the future.
I would also want to continue writing in writing, but this time I want to write as my authentic, creative self. No perfections, not listening to what their opinions, not being afraid of what people think of my story. Just being my true self.
I will also give people a chance to give me advice and constructive criticism without lashing out and assuming people that they're attacking me. I will respond to them in a calm and patient way as a writer and a human being.
I'm also thinking about doing a rewritten version of The Reincarnation of Mother Gothel. Why? Because there are things that I feel unsatisfied and it doesn't feel right to me. So I think making a rewritten version of the book would be better. Don't worry, the old version will stay so all of you will enjoy it both original and new version. However, I'm not rushing myself to doing it and I'm not sure. Let me know what your thoughts so I could think about it.
For now, I'm taking my leisure time from writing from my recent book and my first Genshin Impact fanfic called A Wallflower's Wish. I love the game and I've been into the Genshin Impact hole for awhile so I decided to write a fanfic of it after I got inspired by a Genshin Impact fanfic.
Here's a cover if you're curious:
Feel free to read it if you have time and one more thing before I go:
To my friends who are in the server from Discord and the girl that I hurt deeply for the third and final time. I know said this a lot and I know it sounds like I'm begging, but I will say this out of sincere feelings.
I'm sincerely sorry for how acted and I'm sorry for making you guys worried and scared of me. I'm sorry for treating you guys you're aren't human beings. To the girl that I hurt deeply so much and the final time, I'm sorry for being a jerk to you and I wish you the best in life. I will put my best efforts to grow my mistakes and learn from them as not as a writer but as a better person that I want to be.
Thank you for reading this and I'll see you guys soon. Bye bye.