Zeph.
“Zeph, love, please. Stop whatever you’re doing. Kung ginagawa mo ito para pasakitan kaming dalawa, tama na. I am hurt. I am badly hurt since the beginning. So please. Stop.”
Miguel begged. We went to my unit to talk and all I could hear from him was a plea for me to stop seeing Jayson. And what do I feel?
Emptiness. For the second time in my life I felt so empty.
When he told me that Jayson’s Steph’s boyfriend, I know something inside me crushed. Who would have thought that two men can hurt me because they are connected to my sister? Is it just a coincident? Pinaglalarauan ba kami ng tadhana?
My eyes want to cry because of the pain. I felt betrayed. I know Jayson knows that I am Steph’s sister. I told him my full name. I gave him information about me. And though I didn’t tell him about Miguel, I know that he knows about him! About us! Yet he didn’t tell me that he knows it. That he was Steph’s boyfriend.
And now Miguel is here telling me that I should stay away from Jayson. I understand his point but I know that I don’t intend to hurt them by having a relationship with Jayson. But something is off. Maraming loopholes. Maraming nakakapagtaka.
“Zeph, ano ba talagang connection mo kay Jayson? Are you in a relationship? Why did you kiss---“
“Could you please shut up!” I hissed. I have a lot of things in my mind at dumadagdag pa siya.
He was taken aback. Ni hindi siya makapagsalita sa pagsigaw ko sa kanya.
“Leave, Miguel. Aalis din ako mamaya. Nobody will stay here.” Tumalikod ako sa kanya at saka ako pumunta sa bedroom para kunin ang ilang mga gamit ko. Pero bago pa man ako makarating sa kwarto ay naramdaman ko na lang ang pagyakap niya sa akin mula sa likod.
“Do you—Do you already love him?” I stood there in his arms with no words to say. That question.
I have asked myself with that question for how many times and I can’t accept the answer. Kung noon hindi ko na matanggap ang sagot, ngayon pa kaya? Ngayon pa kaya na malabo ang lahat?
Iniharap ako ni Miguel at saka ako hinawakan sa balikat. He looks so helpless, lost, and broken.
“Steph and I are getting an annulment.”
“What are you saying?” I said. Hindi na ba matatapos ang mga surprises ngayong araw? Mayroon pa ba?
“Zeph, we can’t be together. Clearly, we don’t love each other. We tried, yes. But we can’t---“
Natigil siya sa pagsasalita ng biglang dumapo ang aking palad sa kanyang mukha. God! I’m fuming mad! How could they easily let go of the marriage? Ganito na lang ba mapupunta ang pananakit nila sa akin?
“Stop that bullshit! You two killed me for that marriage and now you’re telling me that you’re getting an annulment?! You freaking hurt me! You sacrificed my happiness just because you don’t have the balls to defend your love for me. Tapos ito ang igaganti niyo sa akin? Itatapon niyo ito tulad ng kung paano niyo ako itinapon?”
“Z-zeph---“
“No! Stay away from me!” He tried to reach me out pero itinulak ko lang siya o di kaya ay tinatabig ang kanyang kamay.
“Paano ang anak niyo? Ano ang magiging buhay ng anak niyo, ha?”
“We can still be good parents kahit hiwalay---“
“Tang ina! Hindi na kayo nakuntentong sirain ang buhay ko pati buhay ng anak niyo sisirain niyo rin?!” I let out curses for how many times habang patuloy niya akong pinapakiusapan na kumalma.
But I can’t be calm! I can’t! Anong karapatan nilang maghiwalay ng dahil lang sa nahihirapan na sila at hindi na nila kaya? Pinili nila iyan. The arranged marriage is indeed a big reason but they have freaking choices! Walang sinuman ang makakakotrol sa pag-iisip at desisyon ng isang tao kung hindi niya hinayaan na kontrolin siya!
“Zeph, please, calm down. Why can’t you just be happy that we’re getting annulled? More than a month ago you were crying. We were crying and I felt right at that moment that you still love me. Kahit hindi mo sinabi sa akin alam kong naghihintay ka sa akin. So, we can be together now. Wala ng hadlang.”
I looked at him disgustingly. Ang kapal ng mukha niya. Ngayon pa? Ngayon pa siya magsasabi na pwede na kami?
“That was before, Miguel! Ikaw na ang nagsabi noong isang buwan yun!”
Biglang nag-igting ang kanyang panga. “Ano ang pagkakaiba ng nakaraang buwan sa ngayon? That was just more than 30 days ago!”
“Exactly! If you came back earlier, I could have accepted with arms wide open. I could kiss you immediately and forget that you once got married with my sister. Pero hindi mo gina---“
“Really, Zeph? Really?” He suddenly laughed bitterly and then after some time punched the wall angrily that I almost jumped in shock.
“Damn with your reasons but I know that’s not the real reason!” Mariin siyang pumikit at huminga ng malalalim.
“Yun ang totoo---“
“Totoo?” He asked mockingly. “Don’t fool me, Zephanie! Nung nakita kita kanina na kahalikan ang gagong iyon, I told myself, NO, I forced myself to believe that you’re only doing that for your revenge. Kahit na alam kong may kakaiba from the way you looked at him and smiled at him. Zeph, I made myself believe.” Aniya habang unti-unting nababasag ang boses niya.
“What are you saying?” He looked at me straight in the eye while tears are continuously running through his cheeks.
“I know, Zephanie. You love him. You finally got over with me and now it’s him who owns your heart. Tama ako di ba? Tama ako.”
“No, I’m not.” I shook my head and turned my back to him to hide the tears that were about to come out. But who am I kidding? Itago ko man ang pag-iyak ko ay hinding-hindi makakaila ang pait sa boses ko.
“I’m not in love with him, Miguel. It’s impossible. I’ve just met him.” Pagtanggi ko habang pilit na nilulunok ang malaking bara sa aking lalamunan.
“Really? Love isn’t about how long you’ve known someone. Bakit ako? Matagal na tayong magkakilala and we were in a relationship for years but you never loved me.”
Marahas akong lumingon sa kanya. “Who the hell told you that I didn’t love you?! I’ve given myself to you!”
“Kung minahal mo nga talaga ako, why didn’t you stop the wedding?”
“You wanted me to stop the wedding? You’re ridiculous! Ano ako, mag-eeskandalo?!” Sagot ko sa kanya.
“No! But you see, you could have opposed the wedding! You can say to the crown that I was your boyfriend! You can tell to the priest that it’s you who I love because you know that it’s only you!”
Tumawa ako ng pagak. “You expected me to do that?! At ikaw? Anong ginawa mo para mapigilan ang kasal? Wala di ba?”
“Siguro nga hindi mo nakita kung ano ang mga ginawa ko. You don’t know how much I cried in front of my parents and I even knelt in front of your dad para lang hindi matuloy ang kasal. I told him that it’s you who I love at mahal natin ang isa’t-isa.” He paused so he could wipe his tears.
Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya habang ang puso ko ay pinipiga sa katotohanang pati pala ang tatay ko ay matagal ng alam na may relasyon kami ng lalakeng ipinakasal niya sa kapatid ko pero nanatili siyang walang pakialam.
“And you know what your father told me? Paano raw siya maniniwalang mahal natin ang isa’t-isa kung hindi mo man lang daw ako nagawang ipakilala sa pamilya mo. He told me that you don’t love me enough to have the courage to introduce me to your family or even just to him.”
“How could you---“ Hindi ko na natapos ang sasabihin ko dahil para na akong nanghina at napaupo na lang sa sahig. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that all along ako pa pala ang sinisisi nila sa lahat ng nangyari.
“And he gave me that challenge. Sabi niya kung sa araw ng kasal ay tatayo ka at pipigilan mo ang kasal, then he himself will stop the wedding.”
Tuluyan na akong napahagulgol sa narinig. “A-and I didn’t…”
“Yes. You didn’t. At habang ikinakasal ako sa kapatid mo, both of us are crying in pain because it was only you who could save us. But you failed.” Lumapit siya sa akin at umupo sa harap ko.
He tucked my hair on my ear and wiped my tears. “Love, you gave me away. You didn’t fight for us.” Lumuluhang sambit niya.
He looks so hurt and I know that his eyes mirror what I feel now. “I’m s-sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He pulled me and I buried my face on his chest. All along I felt that I was betrayed. That they hurt me and they never considered my feelings. Hindi ko alam. Tama siya, I didn’t fight for us. I didn’t show him that I love him. I didn’t stand for us. And all I did was to run away from them. Hide and sulk.
I am the one who brought them into this situation. It was me all along. Ako ang nagpahirap sa aming lahat. Kung lumaban ako at nanindigan hindi sana ganito kakumplikado. Miguel and I could have been married now. And Steph and Jayson.
Steph could have been living with Jayson in that house now. He bought that house for her. It’s clearly for her as what Cecilia has mentioned. Siya yun at hindi ako.
I am the villain here and not them. It’s is undeniably me.