°Yedam x Doyoung
°The whole chapter has lots of mentions of death. I suggest you not to proceed if you find it hard to take. However, just saying that it's not angst :)
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How does it feel to stand in between life and death?
Does it hurt?
Does it make you wanna give up?
Or does it make you wanna stand up even stronger, so that you can come back to the wonderful world, alive?
I don't know, I never felt something like this. But there are people who actually come back, and live to tell the tale.
Kim Doyoung wasn't one of them. He didn't come back in the arms of his childless wife who spent almost 12 years of her life just by loving him and taking care of him selflessly. No, she didn't want an eternity with Doyoung because she was pragmatic, but she never thought she'd lose him merely at his 40's. She had held Doyoung's writhing body firmly until it lost the life it had.
It felt, as if, amidst all the twisting of his body were the sufferings of his life, but it was still him- breathing and staying alive. But when the contortions stopped- so did everything about him.
It was hollow, numb, abysmal- it was empty and hopeless. But at least, he's free from his sufferings, right? He had experienced so much pain throughout his life- maybe he's sleeping peacefully now?
.
.
.
Doyoung felt light. He wasn't chubby or even 'healthy'. He was always light weighted. But he felt even lighter, as if he could float in the air. He sat up, and whoa! He did it without any pain like he used to! Suffering from the incurable cancer and taking all the therapies made his body feel so sore- but suddenly, everything was gone! He looked straight ahead of him. The boring hospital walls greeted him. He sighed, he wouldn't ever escape the room, right?
Hearing some sounds of immense sobbing coming from his side, Doyoung looked for the source. He saw his wife, crying with her face hidden on the bed and one of her hand extended ahead of her. Doyoung felt a sharp pain inside him. For a while, he thought it was because of the cancer, but no. He was pained because his wife was crying.
And she was crying because of him.
Doyoung lost the love of his life in his early twenties. When he was supposed to have the best life with his lover, possessing each other's youth proudly, he couldn't. Because of that vicious day bringing him the most terrible news he could ever imagine.
'Bang Yedam, 23, died from a tragic car crash.'
Doyoung was so devastated at that time that he even tried to take his own life, but this woman, sitting right next to him, crying her heart out in hope for her husband to be 'cured'- helped him through. She invested her whole life just to save Doyoung from his terrible past and give him a better life. She knew, she never had Doyoung's heart that died with his lover years ago. But that didn't stop her from marrying Doyoung on a bright sunny day just so she could always stand by him and look after him.
Her love for Doyoung was unreturned yet endless.
And now she was crying so hard by his side. It automatically made Doyoung want to reach her head and comfort her even though he was on the verge of death.
Doyoung did try to touch her head, but to no use. His hand slipped right through her head as if his hand was made of thin air. He tried again, but the same thing happened. Doyoung held his hand in front of his eyes and only then did he notice- his hands weren't like those he was used to see- rough, veiny and masculine. Instead, he saw the delicate hands he had during his twenties, when he used to take extra care of his body.
Doyoung felt so shocked and weird that he called his wife loudly. She didn't look up. Doyoung tried to push her but his hands simply went through her. Doyoung jumped out of the bed in pure shock and looked at the hospital bed.
He saw his own self, lying on the bed while the monitors attached to him showed a flat line.
Doyoung stumbled three steps back out of surprise and bumped onto the wall. He grabbed the wall with both of his hands and stared at the whole scene with thunderstruck eyes.
He was lying on the bed, what it seemed probably, dead. His wife tightly held one of his hands and sobbed like crazy. A nurse was standing by the other side of the bed, probably waiting for the doctor to arrive.
'It's just a dream!' Doyoung thought, 'All these treatments are making me crazy! That's why I'm dreaming about something so weird!' He closed his eyes and took some deep breaths, 'Calm down, Doyoung. Wake up.'
He opened his eyes but the scene was unchanged. Well, except for the fact that the doctor arrived.
"Time of death- 3:48 pm." The doctor said and his wife burst into tears, sobbing harder than ever. A nurse, who was a kind hearted one, was comforting her.
Doyoung went in front of them and spoke, "But I'm not dead! I'm here! Look at me!"
No use. No one heard him, no one replied to him. Worst of all, he couldn't even touch anyone.
The scene of his wife crying like that was wrecking his heart. He couldn't stand there anymore. What's even more weird was that he could see his own body, the dead body to be specific. Doyoung didn't waste another moment. He turned around and rushed out of the door of that horrifying room.
He couldn't get out though. Something, or someone grabbed his arm.
Doyoung snapped his head to see what stopped him. And oh what he saw! Thousands of unsaid words that always dripped down Doyoung's cheeks in those countless sleepless nights of him played in the eyes of him like a whirlpool, and then, in an instant, those eyes glistened with tears.
"Yedammie hyung..."
If you ever heard the voice of an adult talking while crying like a baby, then maybe you can imagine what Doyoung's voice sounded like.
The reason Doyoung couldn't leave the door, or should I say- the person who stopped him was none other than his dead boyfriend of about 20 years prior to then. Doyoung didn't know why or how he was seeing Yedam in person again, maybe it was in fact a dream; but he wanted to live in that moment no matter what.
He tightly grabbed Yedam with all the longings he suppressed behind his fake smile all those years. Yedam hugged him back with equal emotion.
"Hyung! I'm being able to hug you again! I'm being able to see you again! It's my dream, I know. But please don't leave me! I wanna stay like this forever!" Doyoung spoke to a very calm looking Yedam once they pulled away from the hug.
Yedam put a hand on Doyoung's shoulder, "Listen, Doyoungie-"
'Doyoungie,' The name no one called him by for the last two decades, because he didn't let them. It was a word only Yedam could utter, which he did, bringing Doyoung to tears all over again.
"It's not a dream...I think you have already realized that you're dead." Yedam sais to Doyoung, pointing at the dead body of him on the bed.
"I... guess so." He said and suddenly asked, "Is this my afterlife?"
"No, it's not." Yedam shook his head, "You're yet to cross the borderline of the living and the dead."
Doyoung became confused, "The borderline? What is it?"
"Okay, let me explain." Yedam said, "It is the intermediate stage between our life and after life. We all have the deepest desire of our heart, right?" Doyoung nodded. "You can't leave for the land of the dead until you fulfil that wish. I mean to cross this stage, you have to fulfil that wish."
Doyoung's head seemed to be working very hard to get what Yedam said. "What is this land of dead thing?" He asked again.
"Heaven and hell, Doyoungie. After you fulfil your wish, you'll be given heaven or hell based on your deeds."
"So, all I have to do to either go to heaven or hell is to fulfil my deepest wish of heart?" Doyoung asked. Yedam nodded. "And now you're stuck here, unable to touch any living being because you didn't do so." He clarified.
Doyoung looked quite curious, but he nodded. Then an obvious question came in his mind.
"Hyung, why are you still here then?? You died almost twenty years ago!" Doyoung's eyes looked a bit scared, also full of disbelief. Yedam wasn't actually stuck for almost 20 years, right?
"I couldn't fulfil my wish yet, Doyoungie. It's hard to say, but I had to wait for those 20 years, yes."
Doyoung lost his words. He couldn't even imagine how torturous and excruciatingly long those years had occurred to Yedam. Watching his near ones cry for him, his mom, dad, his friends... Hell! Doyoung even tried to take his own life!
"But you're here now, right? I'm not sad anymore, love." Yedam held Doyoung's cheeks. "Do you know, all these years long, how many times I brushed my hands on your cheeks to touch them?" He chuckled with a bit of sadness, "My hands would just go through your cheeks."
Doyoung placed his own hands over Yedam's, making his cheeks a bit squished with the pressure.
"I still can't believe I got you back, hyung." Doyoung closed his eyes, feeling Yedam's touch. Yedam slowly approached and pecked Doyoung's lips.
"I know. But we can't stay here forever, right? We have to cross the borderline." Yedam said.
"How, hyung?"
"First tell me, what is the one thing you wanted to do for the last few months before your death?"
Doyoung thought hard. "I wanted to apologise to Sarah."
Yedam nodded. Obviously, he knew the name of Doyoung's wife. He saw their wedding, he saw them together. He always kept his eyes on Doyoung, unbeknownst to the younger.
"Why?" Yedam asked. Doyoung didn't treat her bad. He actually was a great husband to her.
"Because I couldn't return what she gave me all her life long. When I was fighting with cancer, I felt like the hurt I caused her was way more than the hurt she received knowing that I always loved you the most." Doyoung said, "She wanted me to live, hyung, so bad! But I couldn't fight the disease. I want to say sorry to her because I wasn't strong enough for her."
Yedam realized. He held Doyoung in a hug again, "You don't have a hand in this thing, love. You can't control or change death."
He let go soon. Doyoung looked somewhat less guilty.
"But she can't hear what I say, hyung. How can I say sorry to her?" he thought for a bit, "Should I write a letter to her?"
Yedam shook his head, "That wouldn't work, Doyoungie, you can't meddle with the living world. If you do, you might even be stuck here forever as a punishment."
"Then what should I do?" Doyoung asked quite desperately. Yedam sighed. For a guy who couldn't pass the border even in 20 years, that's all what was left to do anyway.
"She's so upset now, I think you'll have to let her calm down a bit." He suggested. Doyoung agreed.
"Then let's get out of here first, I can't stand her shrieks anymore, it hurts so bad!"
Yedam understood. The feeling was all too known to him. He grabbed Doyoung's hand and lead him out of the door. They walked in the afternoon light, on the open streets with living people- none of whom could even see two boys who had their hearts reunited, walking along with them.
They reached an open space. A field if I say so. Yedam sat down on the grass, Doyoung joined him. Soon, Yedam laid down, gesturing Doyoung to do so too. Then they stared at the clouds up in the sky.
"I still can't believe I am lying beside you all these years later!" Doyoung exclaimed, "That too in my old form, after my death."
Yedam chuckled, "Yeah, you're right."
"You must have been waiting for me, right?" Doyoung looked at Yedam.
"I did." Yedam shortly replied. The feeling of talking to Doyoung again was too overwhelming for him.
"Then I should have died sooner." Doyoung chuckled. But No, Yedam didn't find it amusing at all!
"No Doyoungie!" He exclaimed, "You shouldn't have died this early too! Like, you should have grown old and have a happy life with your wife first."
Doyoung was a bit shocked. If Yedam was indeed like this for so long, wasn't it only natural for him to want to have Doyoung by his side?
"Do you know how sad it made me every time you suffered? I was about to go insane when I saw you trying to take your own life! I kept praying to God to save you, even though I knew God doesn't listen to the prayers of the dead."
Doyoung didn't say anything. It suddenly made him feel guilty for hurting Yedam so much, when in fact he was just being selfish- he just wanted to flee from all the heartache after losing Yedam.
"But I'm glad that Sarah saved you at last." Yedam slowly said. Then it suddenly clicked in Doyoung's mind.
"You saw our wedding, right?" Yedam nodded. Doyoung felt even sadder at that.
"It was the most painful day for you throughout the whole 20 years, right?"
The answer was obvious. Watching your loved one tying the knot with someone else should have been too heart-breaking to take. And Yedam had to do that silently.
"No." Yedam replied and it shocked Doyoung to no bounds. "Then which one?"
"Today." Yedam replied, "When I saw you dying."
Doyoung eyes filled up with tears. Why was Yedam loving him so selflessly? Without taking into account his own happiness to finally reunite with his lover, Yedam prioritized Doyoung's pain of leaving the world.
The late afternoon sky soon turned into the sunset sky. Iridescent, mainly comprising of red and orange that played in the sky shone upon Doyoung's glossy eyes; seeming as if they were radiating the sorrowful dim orange. Yedam hugged the sad boy. He comforted Doyoung's weak soul and tired body until he fell asleep. Their bodies went past the living grass, so they were directly connected to the cold ground. Yet, Doyoung didn't feel cold at all because Yedam embraced him throughout the whole time.
When Doyoung woke up, he saw stars, and a small yet strong hand embracing him. He looked around and saw Yedam, soundly sleeping beside him. He felt so blessed to be in that embrace after such a long time. He kept staring at the said boy until he woke up.
"You're up already?" Yedam asked. Both of them looked pale, considering they were in between life and death. But still, Doyoung felt like he saw the most loving colour on Yedam's skin.
"Mm..." Doyoung mumbled, "It must be past midnight." He concluded after finding the scarcity of people or vehicles around them.
"What do you want to do now? Should we try to find a way about your wish?" Yedam asked.
"Can I go and see Sarah?" Doyoung asked back. Yedam quickly nodded. Obviously, it was only natural for him to miss and feel bad for his wife. Yedam stood up and grabbed Doyoung's wrist, pulling him up and eventually, guiding him to his house.
Doyoung heard no sound coming from the house. He assumed that the house must have been empty. But when he turned the knob, it was unlocked. Both him and Yedam entered inside the house. There wasn't any sign of people around. Still, he wanted to be sure.
They walked through different rooms and finally reached Doyoung's old study room.
On the rocking chair placed before his old table was sitting his wife, a frame in hand with a picture of him and her when they went on a vacation in their early days as a married couple. Her eyes were puffy, the skin on her face was dull, devoid of hydration because of her crying until the tiredness forced her to fall asleep. Doyoung's heart felt such a strong hit at the sight that he ran to her. The tear drops around her eyes that couldn't even dry down seemed like those expensive diamonds, but they didn't suit her face. Tears should never be present around her eyes.
Yedam saw the scene, equally as hurt. Doyoung kneeled down before her sleeping face after failing to wipe those tears away with his dead hands. He was crying himself, when he wanted to place his hand on her one holding the picture frame but failed.
"I'm so sorry, Sarah." He wept, "I couldn't love you like you did all through my life... and now, even after death, I'm hurting you."
Yedam walked towards him and crouched down beside him, holding his shoulder, giving him strength to continue.
"You don't deserve someone like me, but you still stayed with me, sacrificing your whole life!" Doyoung continued talking to his wife, grabbing Yedam's hand which was on his shoulder, "I can't even say how grateful I am to you... yet I have no word left other than saying I'm so so sorry for everything."
He paused because the sobbing stopped him from speaking clearly. Yedam comforted him and brought him back to be able to talk again.
"Even though I want you to be happy now, being free from worrying about me; I know you won't be able to stay happy without me. That's why, I once again apologise for leaving you all alone in this world."
Doyoung stopped. He had so much more to say, but he couldn't. The words got jumbled up in his brain. He stood up. Then he slowly leaned down to kiss her forehead.
Obviously, he couldn't feel that, nor could she. The moment he left the living world, he lost his ability to touch her. But he still tried. At least, that made him somewhat less guilty.
When he was done, he looked at Yedam.
"Let's go, hyung." Yedam took his hand and walked out of the room. It hurt. It really hurt Doyoung to see his wife's pained face for long.
"She didn't hear anything I said to her." Doyoung sighed, "How can I make her know that I'm sorry?" He asked. Yedam had no answer to that. Even though he learnt almost everything about the 'intermediate' world in his long stay there, he didn't know how to connect with the living.
Doyoung sighed again. He loved being with Yedam again, yes. But not like that, not witnessing his wife grieving over him.
They were walking on the empty streets way past midnight. It was cold and unwelcoming. Doyoung felt shivers.
"Hyung, it's freezing." He spoke. Yedam, who didn't feel as cold, quickly glanced at his side.
He saw a faint golden glow around Doyoung. His eyes widened when he saw the first bright golden dot coming off his hand, tearing his skin.
"Doyoungie... you're... disintegrating..." Yedam said with a nostalgic and happy look on his face.
"Huh? You mean- I'm-"
"Leaving for the land of the dead, yes." Yedam nodded. He had tears in his eyes as he saw numerous golden dots coming out of Doyoung's body, destroying his existence little by little.
Then he saw it. Near Doyoung's chest, in the mid range of it appeared a faint white glow, that gained brightness every second until it turned into a blinding, brilliant dot of light.
The skin on both of Doyoung's cheeks was still disintegrating. With his still unaffected mouth, he asked, "What's happening, hyung!!" by tightly grabbing Yedam's hand with what was left of his hand. He stopped feeling cold as soon as the white light appeared on his chest.
"Heaven, Doyoungie, you're going to heaven..." Yedam's eyes were filled with tears, and he could barely see. But that didn't stop him from witnessing the colour of the light that started to come out of Doyoung's chest- the colour of his 'soul' to be precise. It was white, not stained with the black of sin.
"Hyung!" Doyoung desperately said, "I don't want to leave you, please!" He tried grabbing Yedam again, but there was barely anything left of his body. The white light was almost detached from his chest and so was his consciousness from his mind.
"You won't have to leave me." Yedam slowly said, "Because my deepest desire for all these years to see you fulfil each of your wishes is now met as well."
The last bit of consciousness in Doyoung was gone right after he saw a faint golden dot coming out of Yedam's cheek, when the elder was surrounded by the same golden glow as him from moments ago. Doyoung was gone, nothing existed of him except for the white dot of light that floated upwards. To the living, that seemed like a shooting star.
In fact, that night, anyone who was up at that hour, looking at the sky saw two such stars, one following the other shortly after. They thought it was a miracle, just two meteors going closely by the earth. They did not know- those were the purest souls from earth; of the two lovers who were meant to leave for heaven that night.
But there indeed was a miracle, a miracle that happened years ago. God made the rules for the dead not to meddle with the living, but He listened to the desperate prayer of one dead soul one night. To save a boy wanting to take his life, God let a miracle happen.
A part of Yedam's soul was sent to the suicidal boy, saving him till death.
Now that the time was up, from the rocking chair of Doyoung's old study room, another burst of tiny golden dots emitted from Sarah's skin. No white or black dot came out of her chest though- as the original soul she was a part of already departed for heaven following Doyoung's one.
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Okay! This has to be one of my most favourite plots I have written so far! I don't know if it came out well, like I thought in my head though. I hope you like it😇
Just to clarify- Sarah was a part of Yedam's soul, sent by God to save Doyoung that night. So it was actually Yedam who was with Doyoung all the time. Also, Yedam's wish was to watch Doyoung fulfil each of his wishes on earth; that's why he had to wait all those years until Doyoung fulfilled his final wish. And it was probably obvious- both of them left for heaven at last.
Leaving a little TMI- it was supposed to be a HaruYoung story, but thinking about it, I felt like DoDam would fit it better. So, here you go😁
Okay then, stay healthy and happy!💞💞