It's been three months since I moved into my new place. I thought it wasn't worth the trouble to go get the rest of my stuff, so I invested in a completely new bed. I ordered a night stand, a dresser, a cute little couch for downstairs, and more. My place is almost completely furnished and decorated except for the spare room.
Also, I started therapy. It's weird and awkward, but I try. I'm not used to openly talking about my feelings.
D comes by to check up on me, but that's about it. I usually just spend time with his sister, Robyn, who I have gotten close to. She is much older than me, but we get along well, and she helps me adjust to adulthood. She helped me get health insurance, dental insurance, my social security card, and other important documents that I will need for the future.
Since I graduated high school, I've been working on and off at the diner. My idea of getting another job was shot down immediately due to my high risk pregnancy. So, I seem to have a lot of time on my hands this summer. If I'm not at a doctor's appointment, I'm with Robyn. If I'm not with Robyn, I'm in therapy. If I'm not in therapy, I'm preparing for school, which is approaching very soon. Like, in two to three weeks soon. I still keep in contact with Briana and them, but I heard Cairo, Derek, and Brandon are leaving this weekend for school. April moved maybe a month ago to Massachusetts. She got a condo down there and is attending Harvard in the fall. Ashanti is going to cosmetology school here in the fall and Briana is also going to school here in Georgia, but I'm not sure where.
I decided last minute to attend a community college close by. It's not what I had in mind, but it's the best option and it's way cheaper, damn near free for
me. I applied really late, but after pleading with administration, they accepted me. I never thought I would be going to a community college, not because I look down on them, but because I had big plans. I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. But, I'm pregnant now and I can't be selfish. Dashawn is so happy to be a soon-to-be father with his first child. Shocking, I know right. But, he wanted the baby and I didn't have it in me to tell him no. I know it's my body and I can do what I want, but it's also his child, and I didn't want to take that away from him. Just the thought of a living thing growing inside of me scares the shit out of me. I've bawled my eyes out enough over these past few months just thinking about it.
Now, summer is about over and I'm starting a new chapter of my life. Hopefully I'm far enough away that I don't ever have to run into my mom or Kennedy on the street. My townhouse is on the other side of town and my school is a little bit further up the road as well. I pray that this distance is enough for me.
I step out the shower and dry off. I wrap the towel around my body and walk to the sink. I make work to apply leave in conditioner to my hair and use a wide tooth comb to detangle it. My hair has gotten longer and fuller since I started getting my health back on track, and I desperately need a trim.
I then applied some curl activator moisturizer and sectioned my hair off. I decided on a twist out, so I let my hair air dry. After dressing in a over-sized graphic tee and leggings, I made my way downstairs for breakfast. I ended up making some turkey bacon and sausages, but as soon as I got a whiff of the aroma, I gagged. I took the food off of the burner and gagged again. I barely made it to the trash can before I let the bile flow. I ran to the kitchen window and opened it, letting some air in.
I guess I'm skipping breakfast today. I trudged upstairs to rinse my mouth out. After awhile, I went back downstairs to close the window and lock up to leave. I got in the car and threw my purse into the passenger seat. Oh, yeah, I've also been driving this summer. I'm still new, but I passed everything on my first attempt and now I don't depend on anyone. It's a simple, unimpressive car, but I love it. I keep it clean and I drive safe.
I called Dashawn and he answered on the first ring.
"Wassup," he said.
"Nothing, just about to run some errands. I'm leaving the house."
"Where you going?"
"Walmart first, and depending on how I feel, maybe get something to eat," I say putting the phone on speaker and easing out of the driveway.
"You eat breakfast?" He asks and I keep quiet.
"I'll take that as a no."
"I got sick, that's all. But, I'll eat after my trip to Walmart."
"Did you at least try to eat something else?"
"No," I mumble.
"Asha—"
"I know D, but I'm good. I'll eat as soon as I'm done."
"You sure?" He sounded annoyed. "Cuz, you barely ate yesterday."
"I know. I just can't stomach anything, but I'm trying. You know I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the baby. I'll call my doctor again if you want me to, but she already told me it's normal and should go away soon. As long as I try to eat and stay hydrated, I should be okay. If the sickness prolongs too much and I can't keep anything down, she told me to come in before my next appointment."
When he didn't say anything for a whole minute I called his name.
"Fine, I'll call you later," he said.
"Okay."
He hung up.
I cleared my head of our conversation. I know he's just worried. That's why I don't take is curt tone too seriously.
After ten minutes I pulled up to Walmart. I shopped for only necessary items and even looked in the home section. I found a cute welcome mat and a cheap canvas painting. I got excited and lugged them both in the cart. I checked out and loaded everything in the car. When I was done, I pulled off and decided to look for something to eat.
"Hey," I put my phone on speaker and dropped it in the cup holder.
"Hey, where you at?" Robyn asked.
"Just leaving Walmart. Why?"
"I heard you haven't eaten anything. Do you want to get some food? I think I know a place that won't upset your stomach."
"Sure. I'm not dressed though. I got on a big shirt and leggings, is that okay?"
"Girl, you're fine. I'll pin you the address."
"Okay."
We said bye and she sent me the address. I didn't have anything cold or frozen that would spoil so I didn't need to run by the house. Fifteen minutes later, I pull up at this vegan restaurant/cafe. It was cute. I quickly took down my twists and fluffed out my fro. My coils were so defined and bouncy. I was thankful that Robyn taught me. At least my hair looked good.
I applied some chapstick and got out the car. Robyn's eyes lit up when she saw me. She looked beautiful in an off the shoulder blouse, jeans, and sandals.
"You look beautiful babe," she said embracing me. My cheeks heat up. When we pulled a part, I fluffed out my already big shirt. She rolls her eyes at my behavior.
"Why do you hide your belly?" I just shrugged.
Even though my stomach is barely visible, I can see the difference in my body. I've become more full all the way around, especially since I've been eating more, regardless of my morning sickness. I don't even know why it's called morning sickness when it hits all throughout the day.
"You know I don't care Asha," she continued.
"I know. I'm just getting used to it. I-I just..."
"Don't be ashamed of it. A baby is a beautiful thing."
"I know. I just feel—"
"You better not say fat," she narrowed her eyes at me and I looked away.
"Can we just eat," I say avoiding her eyes.
She quickly changes the subject at seeing how uncomfortable I was getting. We walked in the restaurant and we were seated in a booth near the back. After some awkwardness, Robyn apologized. I did as well. We let the topic go and started up a healthy conversation about something completely different. We laughed and talked for hours. We both ordered a veggie burger. Surprisingly, it was delicious and I ate all of it plus my fries. I had to make up for yesterday. When I was done, I was stuffed.
When we were done, she walked me to my car, rubbed my stomach and gave me a hug. We said bye and I left. When I got home, it was starting to get dark. I took in the few bags I had and unpacked them. I put the welcome mat outside the front door and smiled. I left the painting by the stairs. I didn't know where I was gonna put it due to all the other stuff I already had on the walls. I just couldn't help myself. Every cute saying or picture I find when I'm out, I just have to have them, as long as they aren't expensive. I have a theme of course, it's not just random bullshit. But, I enjoy decorating my small house. It actually makes me happy even if it's becoming a little bit of an obsession. My therapist told me to find things that make me happy and decorating does, so I do it.
I dressed for bed and got under the covers before scrolling on my phone. I heard the front door open. I wasn't alarmed. Dashawn told me earlier not to hook the chain, which I always do when I'm by myself. I have one of those white door stopper things also. I don't take any chances.
A few seconds later, Dashawn comes strolling into the room. I briefly look up at him. I can tell he had a long day.
"Imma take a shower."
"Okay."
He takes his time in the shower and when he comes back, I glance at his naked frame. He pulls on some boxers and walks to the foot of the bed. I eye him as a contagious smile lights up his face. He removes the covers off my body and gently pulls me to the edge of the bed. He lifts up my shirt before kissing my stomach. I let him.
"You had fun with Robyn?" He asks looking up at me.
"Yes, I ate a lot."
"She told me," he replies looking up at me.
"Yo young ass," he shakes his head, "got a nigga about to lose his mind." He caresses my thighs.
We aren't together. To be honest, I don't know what we are. He do his thing, and I'm pregnant with his child. I don't know if he has been with another woman lately and I don't want to sound jealous by asking. We aren't a thing, so it's really not my place to ask anyway. I just take what I can get.
"You beautiful."
I just nod.
"I see you, gaining some healthy weight and shit. I'm serious when I say you beautiful."
"I know," I respond back. He pulls my shorts down and trails kisses between my legs. I drop my phone next to me and grip the bed.
His tongue does crazy shit to me, shit that has me convulsing and crying out his name. He then fucks me, just the way he always does, no strings attached. I would be lying if I said I didn't want something more, but we agreed to co-parent and that's it. I know he loves me, but not in the way I have grown to love him. He doesn't do relationships and I'm not gonna embarrass myself by confessing my feelings.