Problems With The Hierarchy

#19 Distant Distance

Same song of the say, I hope this sounds sappy. Heck, I wish you'd cry a little. Joking, at least I hope you can feel how she feels. Enjoy ^^ 

#19 Distant Distance

“Why.” Joey said after clearing her throat, her tone was cold, her question sounded like a statement. My face fell.

“Can we not talk about that?” I complained, refusing to be reminded of what happened that morning. I looked down at the book I’m holding.

Nothing much, I was just some hanging out after feeling low for the whole day. Mixed emotions, complicated thoughts, how the hell can life get so confusing?! I ranted.

I clutched my head with my hands, I could lose control. Then I looked up in the air, blinking my eyes in frustration, as I lost grip.  I stared at Joey, “Please.”

She nodded, then handed me ice-cream. “I’m not sure why you did that, but here’s some ice cream to vent. You must be very vexed now.” She said in understanding. I have previously told Joey about Richard’s confession, and told her I rejected him via message. But I have not told her why I rejected him.

I gave her a faint smile I finally managed to plaster, for the first time in a few days. Had I made the right choice? I kept questioning myself, again and again. Shutting my eyes, I said to her, “Thanks Jo.”

“Here, have a drink. You must be tired.” Richard offered to Kelly, with a smile, then using his sleeves to wipe her sweat on her forehead. I watched from far. He has been ignoring me these few days. Not picking up calls, not even greeting me in the walkway. He merely walked away, with a cold hard stare. I didn’t know how to describe the amount of melancholy I felt. It was close to someone stabbing my heart with a sharp knife, a cold and hard one. It was closer to the feeling when dad left me 10 years ago in a mishap. I cried and cried; I talked to no one, and completely shut myself in my room. I left no lights switched on; I just sat at a lonely corner, at the edge of the wall.

It was melancholy because I had no idea why I felt depressed. I just didn’t feel like smiling, like there was nothing worth to. Then he kissed her on the cheek, smiled and left, like no one was watching. And so he broke his promise. The photo-shoot was nowhere near okay, and he didn’t look out for me. We’re taking photos in the morning. Richard has been really close to Kelly these days. He sends her to school, and back. While me, I figured from that day I did it I should not be hitching rides anymore, so I took the bus home that day. I wasn’t sure if he waited for me, but I knew he never offered them again.

I shut my eyes, refusing to let these thoughts overwhelm me. Lunch came sooner than I thought. I sat at my secret hideout alone, eating my home-packed sandwich. Joey was absent again; she was unwell, since that day after the party. It has been three days, I sighed. I finally looked up again, after I have finished it. I cleared the mess, and walked away from secret hideout. Looking at my phone, I was early again. I have tried to take as much time as possible to eat that sandwich, at least keeping myself occupied. But no, I still had loads of time left. I decided to walk to the library. The last time I ate lunch here, I was still okay with Richard. It was okay, because I brought this upon me. There was no one to blame, he was right to treat me like that.

“Look, isn’t that Elizabeth?” I heard someone say my name on the way. I looked up. Yes, I have been looking down when I walk. I don’t want to see him on the walkway again; I don’t want to witness his cold hard stare again. He was so aloof, more distant than distance.

“She’s a shameless bitch, haven’t you heard?” I saw Kelly and Vanessa, the annoying duo.

Getting my attention, she pinned me to the wall, like what Annabelle does all the time. “You really think Richard likes you? He’s with me now.” Kelly threw the sentence I dreaded into my face. I swallowed. “He told Kel, and Kel told me. Now the whole world is going to know what you did. Pity yourself before you don’t get to anymore. For rejecting him, we don’t make your life easy here.” Vanessa ‘advised’. “Yes, you better watch out. He doesn’t need you anymore, he has me.” Then they walked away, laughing.

So he told them. I smiled in shame. He really did? No, he wouldn’t have.

I jolted back to reality. I’m still baffled. Did he? If he didn’t, how did they know? It wasn’t unbelievable; I don’t know why, faith was within me. It was obvious. Kelly wouldn’t have known that I rejected him if he didn’t tell her. Joey would never have told her.

“Joey, say whatever you have to say now, I’m ready.” I had to allow Joey to tell me, if not it would be a torture for her.

Deep down, what I really wanted was for her to say I had done it correctly. I needed assurance. This feeling of hanging barely by a thread sucks.

“Is it Bryson?” She asked, concerned. Ah, so she wanted to know this. “I haven’t been able to talk to you about him lately. Since I was uh-“she added before I interrupted by a “No.”

“I’m happy that you’re with Bryson. Sure, we like each other, but it wasn’t that much of attraction. Don’t worry, Jo.” I explained with a fake smile I plastered. I don’t want Joey to misunderstand, or even affected by me. It was my responsibility, I had no right to shirk it, nor affect others with my decision.

This time, I take the blame.

“Then why did you do that? I’m still baffled. I always thought you two…” she didn’t complete her sentence, but I figured what she was going to say.

And so, I told her. I wasn’t afraid to expose my selfishness. I admit, it was selfish, and judgemental of me to reject Richard because I hated the in-crowd.

But what’s done, is done. I mocked myself. I didn’t even have the right to pity myself.

“I don’t know what to say,” she said, before I picked up my bag, and left. I didn’t take her car, I walked home. In my mind I was playing back, spinning fast.

“Follow your heart, dear.” That was the last thought running through my mind before I said, “Sorry, but I don’t.”

Who knew the short four phrases would have ruined both of our moods. It still causes a tug in my gut whenever I thought of the fact that I’ve hurt him.

I hated the fact that his smile faltered into a frown, as he furrowed his eyebrows. He put his arms on the steering wheel. I hated that I knew exactly why he did. He needed something to support him. He searched my eyes for a look that might convince him. And his eyes were etched with hurt when he found them. My stomach soured when I saw his bottom lip twitch. He was close to tears.

He was about to mumble something, which I ignored.

And that was all I said before I turned away. I opened the car door, and left…

My breath wavered as I thought of what I did again. These few nights I couldn’t sleep. I kept playing back the last few moments he ever spoke to me.

“No we can’t be friends, cos I don’t think I can take seeing you and knowing where we’ve been, I hope you understand.”