After -Drarry COMPLETE

Chapter 39

—Harry POV—

—Warning: Suicidal thoughts—

I was only snapped out of my tense daze when Scorpius's high, bright voice cut through my thoughts.

"Dada, I'm hungry."

It was only then that I realized not eating breakfast, and barley eating yesterday, has left this empty, small-feeling hole. And I had been ignoring the constant rumbling of my stomach, and the familiar tickle in my throat.

My mind went completely blank when Draco let go of my hand. And I didn't pay attention to anything that happened after that. Only a few things.

"Harry is hungry too. We should go eat."

I don't want to go eat.

But somehow, I ended up... somewhere. Sitting at a table. I was so close to Draco that our legs were touching, and I kept it that way. I had gone completely silent. And I didn't care what anyone else was saying. I didn't even know what they were saying. I was too busy pouring all of my energy into not panicking, and staying grounded. And, there was a bowl of soup placed in front of me.

I didn't ignore my hunger after that. My shaking hand picked up the spoon next to me and I ate. It was welcoming. It filled my stomach, and it made me warm. It was soft, and the flavors weren't strong, but it wasn't bland either.

I saw Draco hand me something through my periphery.

"Take this." He said, though it came through as a kind of mumble to me. My medicine was now sitting in the palm of my hand, and I missed the feeling of having Draco's hand in mine, even if it was just to hand me my medicine.

————

"We're going home, Scorpius. Say bye to everyone." Said Draco

"Bye!" Said Scorpius, holding his dad's hand.

"Bye, it was nice playing with you!" Said Rose. I saw Scorpius blush slightly at that.

"Bye mate, and hey; Talk to us... okay?" Said Ron, pulling me into a hug.

"Bye Ron." I said, returning it.

"Bye Harry." Said Hermione, running into my arms.

"Stay in touch. Alright?"

I nodded shortly.

"Let's go." I whispered to Draco.

"Harry." I looked up to see Ginny. Things were quiet, and still.

"Good luck." She said, walking towards me slowly. For a second, we just stood, facing each other, before she gave me a friendly punch in the arm. It looked like she was holding back emotions.

"I'm sorry, Ginny." I said, and like that, Draco, Scorpius, Teddy, and I apparated home. To my home.

It was odd. The house was untouched, and the air musty.

"I'll give it a quick clean with my wand." I heard Draco say.

"Scorpius, Teddy, go ahead and play in Teddy's room."

————

It was late at night now, and Draco and I were laying together in the guest room. At first, we were going to sleep in what used to be mine and Ginny's room, but I felt that would be a cruel thing to do to the ghost of our marriage.

We had cleaned the house, helped Teddy begin the process of packing all of his belongings, cooked dinner- which I only ate half of- and saw some television, before sending the kids off to sleep. The two of us had been laying here for a while now, and my mind had been thinking about these past 3 days. I scooted closer into Draco, resting my head on his chest, before lazily mumbling something that had been on my mind. Something that, now that I think about it, is something that I would only tell him.

"I don't like that everybody knows what I tried to do."

I softly played with the wrinkles on his shirt, letting the weight of the past three days finally fall through my mind, as I listened to his heartbeat.

"Then why on earth did you try to do it?"

I stayed silent, slightly startled by his response. He continued to speak.

"Of course everybody would find out. I'd think your life is important enough."

I stayed still, almost as if I didn't hear him. But, I did. And while I could come up with hundreds of reasons to do what I did, and even more reasons to try again, I still stayed silent. I know that any response would either result in an argument, or a breakdown. And I don't have the energy for either.

"You know that this big fuss has all been because we care about you... right?" I heard him say softly. I felt him caress my back, and I suddenly thought I was obligated to respond- silence was only rude.

"This is different though. It's become such an ordeal. I mean, Ron, Hermione and Ginny wouldn't stop talking about it..." I said quietly.

"And why would you try to do something like that, anyway?" He asked again. I laid there, wondering if a response was really what he needed. Wondering if a response was the right thing to give. I sorted through my thoughts, before stumbling out a sort of answer.

"I... I couldn't take it. Everything I mean. It-". I paused, knowing I could back out of this, but I didn't.

"Everything was just... weighing down on me... It all still is. The difference is that I'm still... recovering from...". My voice trailed off, and this genuinely felt like the most difficult thing I'd ever had to admit. Justifying my own death.

"Recovering from everything that's just happened in England. It's making me feel numb." I said. Things were still, and silent. I don't know if I was truly thinking when I said the next part. And part of me wants to think it's not entirely true, but I can't bring myself to fully believe that.

"Also... every day I feel, well, tired. Exhausted, even. I wake up, and I just want to go back to sleep. I wake up, and, I feel, like I disturbed myself from a sleep that wasn't meant to end yet. Sometimes I wonder: if I fall asleep, If I'll be too tired to ever wake up again. Everything always feels so slow... sluggish, disorienting. And, the days where I have even a drop of energy, I end up reliving my past. I bloody hate my past... it feels quite easy to just, kill myself. To have a day, and control at least my death. And maybe then I won't have to wonder if I'll be too tired to ever wake up again, because I'll be gone..."

"Harry..." I heard him say.

My heart was beating slowly and prominently. It was uncomfortable. I moved, scooting up to hug him properly. I was laying on top of him, and both my arms were on either of his sides, creating as much of a hug as I could. He moved me over, so we could be on our sides, facing each other, and I gave him my tightest one-armed hug, intertwining our legs.

His arm was wrapped around me, and the tips of his fingers played with the hair at the nape of my neck. I felt silent tears slip slowly, and they were absorbed by Draco's shirt because I was pressing myself against him.

"Harry..."

His voice was dripping with concern, sorrow, and fear. I knew that he didn't know what to say. I was okay with that. I just wanted him here. That seemed to have been helping, even if it was only a bit. Even if nobody else noticed.