Only For Him {COLLINS #2} 🔞✓

XVIII

The hurt was implausible and I never learnt to get past it. I didn't even try. I loved it. I loved every ounce of it because I never wanted to forget what we had.

I never forgot what we had and I was never going to till my last breath. Every minute detail was still unsullied in my mind. She was in the air I breathed in. She was in the nectar of flowers. She was in the melody of chirping birds. She was in my heart. Protected and very much alive! Then how did she stop being there? How did I forget her? Why didn't she stop me?

She was always so right. She was never a priority. If she was then I wouldn't have done what I did. I must have valued her but I chose not to. She knew it. She knew all of it which is why she decided to leave me. And I deserved every bit of hurt she made me live through.

I stared at the auburn timber gate for long and the remorse submerged me. I longed to go to her but I felt so dirty. I hated how I was pussy whipped. With guilt surfacing me to extremes, I finally came out of my car and walked toward the timber gate. My trembling hands fumbled with the lock as I tried to unlock it.

I walked inside staring at her abode. She loved being covered in fragrant flowers and I always made sure to bring her favourite flowers. For the first time, I didn't bring her favourite flowers. How could I? How could I even touch her grave with the same hands I touched someone else, with the same hands I forced someone.

Even the scene of watching that girl bleeding, gave me goosebumps. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to tell her that I raped a little girl. She was like a kid...it didn't even sound good now. My heart vibrated in my chest as I tried to reach her grave. I settled near her, drowning in guilt.

Every time I looked at her grave my burnt heart was filled with love but today it had nothing more than guilt and ashes of my perished love.

It was her. Always her. Forever her. She ruled my heart. She was my queen.

But, she was gone. She was no more there to embrace me in the comforts of her slender arms. She was dead and ice-cold in her grave.

'I'll come back.' Those were her last words before she shut her eyes forever to be engulfed by a heart wrenching petrifying peace.

Ever since I waited for her to come back even though I knew she would never be back again. I knew I couldn't have her in my life again. I knew I couldn't see her smile, breathe or even her anger. I couldn't rake my hand through her pretty curls again and piss her off yet I waited for her every day. But, she never came. My thread girl left me alone. She left us alone.

I dug on the mud in front of me with my fingers trying to escape the memories of cheating on her. Our union was not until death does us part, it was something so promising that not even death could do us part.

"Happy birthday, baby!" I wanted to scream, cry, and eventually kill myself and fall in her arms. I had chosen a great day to give her another great present. I had always let her down. I had given her nothing more than hurt and heartache.

"I did a heinous crime. You'll hate me, baby. I forced her. She bled. I don't know what I did to her. She- shit! She's our Hazel's age. Eri, baby I swear I thought-"

How could I tell her that I thought it was her? She would never believe me. She never forgave simply and I knew she was going to hate me forever for this. I could never bear her hating me.

"Her voice. Her eyes. It reminds me of you. It's exactly like yours. Shit! I'm sorry baby. I'm really sorry. How can I even compare you to a random clumsy girl? How can I even compare you?" I gripped my hair pulling them hard. My throat felt so sore and heavy as if a wooden log stuck there.