Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 9 Chapter 14: Son of a Bitch

Back to the Blues

Tucker: Wow. That was pretty fuckin' brutal.

Caboose: Andersmith, I kept my promise. You have been avenged.

Tex: You know what, let me shoot another one. I think you guys could use the advantage.

Church: Uhm, are you- are you sure?

Donut

Donut: There was so much we had left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes! And dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this? We could have talked- you could have told me what was wrong. Nooooohohohohooooo.

Tex: Uh, maybe I'll let that one live. Might demoralize the rest of 'em.

Tucker: Good idea.

Tex: Come on, let's pack it in.

Tucker: Does anyone else feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really really dirty?

Cut to Freelancerville, where the Pelicans are approaching the building

North: Team A, you look clear. Window is open. Start your clocks. On my mark, mark.

Carolina: Sync. Roger that. Team A is moving.

North: Copy that Carolina. Good luck Team A.

Carolina: Thanks. We won't need it.

North: Alright Bravo let's move out. We have three minutes until first alert, let's have our target in hand by two.

Team A enters the building

Carolina: We're in. York, get up here. How long to crack that lock?

York: Should take about sixty seconds. You can give me fifteen.

Ghost: Just do it right and don't set off an alarm.

York: Thanks for the inceragment... Wow, is that holographic? It's high end.

Carolina: Can you get through it?

York: Of course I can. You didn't bring me along for my good looks did ya? Whoever designed this is a genius.

As the lock goes down, alarms go up

Ghost: Godammit York!

Carolina: You were saying?

York: Okay, I take it back, whoever designed this is an asshole. Picked.

The big doors open in front of him

York: Everybody in.

Carolina: Thanks York, but do something about that alarm system. We don't need any more surprises.

York: Does saying sorry count as something?

Carolina: ...

York: Hmm, guess not.

Ghost: Just do your job.

Carolina: We'll secure the package. Set some trackers and then find us a way out of this.

York: Moving.

Cut to some guards watching a screen

Guard Captain: What the- looks like we got an alert on sector seven. That's the vault. Take a team up there now.

Cut to the Gulch, where the Reds are gathered around Lopez's dismembered chassis, and

Donut is still weepy

Grif: Simmons is... dead?

Donut: I can't believe he's gone.

Sarge: Well, you know what they say at a time like this: he may be dead, but he's never truly gone... until we get rid of all his gross body parts. Grif, go fetch a garbage pail.

Grif: Sarge, I'm grieving here, can't making up excuses to avoid work wait 'til later?

Sarge: You're right Grif. I suppose someone should say a few words. Anybody? Come on, who knew him best? Donut?

Donut: Um, I think he said he liked gum once. I don't know, that's kind of all I got.

Sarge: How 'bout you Grif?

Grif: Me? Why me?

Donut: Come on, Grif and Simmons. You guys were inseparable. Surely the two of you must have gotten to know each other over the years.

Grif: Yeah, a-I- I don't know. He would talk a lot, and I'd lose interest immediately, and then he would ask me a question and I would just go "huh, what? Oh yeah, sure Simmons whatever you say." It wasn't a perfect system, but it was ours.

Sarge: But he always stayed by your side. Isn't there anything you remember him telling you?

Grif: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, sure, Sarge. Whatever.

Donut: What about you Sir? Simmons always loved helping you.

Sarge: He did have a knack for following orders.

Simmons steps sideways from behind Sarge

Sarge: Sometimes I'd make things up just to get him off my back. One time I told him to disassemble the jeep, and rebuild it, just to keep him busy. Hheh. I'll miss doing that.

Simmons: Guys guys, I'm free! Oh wow, you, already killed Lopez. Awesome.

Sarge: Can it Simmons, we're trying to give your eulogy.

Simmons: But I'm not dead I'm- wait, you guys are talking about me? In a good way? Oh never mind, go ahead. Please, continue.

Sarge: Hrhrr. Gentlemen, we are here to pay our last respects to Simmons. Who died so suddenly, and so violently.

Simmons: Oh man, this is the best day ever.

Sarge: Simmons wore maroon armor, he talked a lot, and did some work. Also, he liked gum. ... The end.

Simmons: What!? That's it? That's my funeral?

Sarge: Not quite - let's get that garbage pail.

Donut: I remember the gum thing.

Simmons: I never imagined that my death could somehow be worse than my life, but... here it is. Bitchin'.

Grif: I contributed to the "talks a lot" part.

Simmons: I don't talk a lot I talk a regular amount. You really think I talk a lot?

Grif: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Simmons. Whatever.

Simmons: I hate you.

Donut: Oh man, I just realized: I could have made a flower arrangement for the funeral. Ahh, there's just so few chances to do that around here.

Grif: Don't worry Donut, I'm sure one of us will get killed again soon.

Donut: Aw, you're just tryin' to make me feel better. And I love that about you.

Ghost: Why is it so fucking loud! I'm trying to sleep!

Reds: Sorry!