Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 2 Episode 24: Sweet Ride

The Warthog is staring down the reds, and Doc

Simmons: Okay, I get it. You build a remote control for the jeep into Lopez.

Sarge:    Yep. But there's no way anyone could have found out how to turn it on. I hid it in a place no one would ever look. Unless... Hey. Pretty in Pink. Were you messin' with my robot?

Donut: What're you asking me for?

Ghost: It's because you're in pink armour dumb ass...

Grif: So someone else controls the jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it?

Sarge:    Oh, get a pair, you bunch o' Barbies. Even if they figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of code words to control it. Only me and my diary know that.

Ghost: we didn't have to know that second part...

To the blue base, with totally un-dramatic music. Church still hears beeping

Church: There, you hear that?

Tucker: Is it like a screaming, high pitched whistling noise, followed by a series of random clicks?

Church: No it's just like this constant 'beep beep beep' noise.

Tucker: Oh... then no, I don't hear anything.

Church: Do you eh, wait - do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by some random clicks?

Tucker: No, I was just tryin' to be helpful

Church: Yeah, well, you're failing.

Caboose: All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all our friends before they have a chance to kill us.

Church and Tucker: ...

Caboose: Wait, you guys don't hear that?

Church: Oh man, I can't take this any more. Tucker, you're gonna have to do something, man, this beeping is going to drive me crazy.

Camera zooms to the Warthog, with Church's words "going to drive me crazy. drive me crazy" echoing in the background

Warthog: (beep beep beep beep) Drive.

Sarge:    Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code. Those dern windtalkers.

The warthog drives straight at Doc and hits him, and he lands in the driver's seat as it continues driving away with him

Donut: Hey, he's taking the jeep.

Doc: Help, the jeep is kidnapping me!

Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarassing.

Ghost: One: he's not taking the jeep. Two: he's not taunting us the jeeps driving by itself ya moron!

Simmons: Hey Sarge, new rule. How 'bout we just don't take any more prisoners, since we seem to suck at it.

Ghost: You guys suck. I don't. If I am with a hostage for five minutes he would give us all his information and he probably wouldn't have a fucking head afterwards!

Cut to the blues, Caboose kneeling in front of Church. Beeping continues, Warthog is in the background behind Church

Caboose: I see a switch down here. (whispers) It's not very big.

Tucker: Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.

Church: Wait, stop.

Warthog: (in background) Stop. (stops moving)

Church: Caboose... do you know how to work a switch?

Caboose: Uhhhhhhhhh...

Church: Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around, so that it's pointed in the other direction.

Warthog: Turn around. (turns around, facing back toward the red base)

Caboose: Oops. It broke itself.

Church: Ughhhhhhhh.

The Warthog finishes turning, now facing the reds

Doc: Oh man, what now...

Grif: That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty.

Back to the blues

Tucker: Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.

Caboose: What about the blue one?

Church: That's your thumb, idiot. Come on guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out.

Tucker: Ey, I can't tell which one goes over there.

Church: Then just yank 'em both.

Caboose: Church, if we pick the wrong one, (whispers) you could explode.

Church: I don't care, look, just follow the red one.

The Warthog facing down the reds

Warthog: Acquire target: red.

Grif: Uh, Sarge, you, you may wanna start running. (Ghost, Donut, and Simmons back away) Now. (Backs away)

Sarge:    Ahhhhh fudge pumps.

The blue base... again... dammit

Tucker: Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... yeugh, someplace else.

Church: Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.

The Warthog rams Sarge to the wall of the red base

Sarge:    Oh, I'm pinned!

Warthog: (beep beep beep beep) Eliminate red target. (Starts firing the gun, getting progressively closer to Sarge's head)

Grif: You're gonna kill him!

Sarge:    What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology, and the unwavering pride of mankind?

Sarge:    No, something about hiring better help, that doesn't just stand around watching you die!