Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 2 Episode 21: Motion to Adjourn

Firefight outside the blue base

Church: Okay Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up the defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.

Tucker: I didn't even know what half of that meant.

Church: Just go over to Caboose's rock, and fire your gun a bunch.

Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don't think so.

Church: We do not, have time, to discuss this.

Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it. You get to hang out here with Nancy No-Bullets shootin' the breeze. Meanwhile, I'm out there, running around, eating a machine gun sandwich.

Church: Tucker, we're gonna give you covering fire.

Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you're gonna build a huge, bullet-proof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.

Church: No problem. Oh wait wait, does the blood have to be in your body?

zoom to Grif and Simmons firing their respective machine guns at the blues

Grif: Simmons... I can't feel my hands.

Simmons: Maybe you should lay off the trigger, you dumbass.

zoom back to Church and the gang

Church: Alright you, Doc, get over there and help Caboose!

DuFresne: My name isn't Doc, it's DuFresne.

Church: Yeah. I can't pronounce that, so from now on, your name is Doc.

DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that; I'm not a doctor, I'm a medic.

Church: What's the difference?

DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable. While they die.

Tucker: Mental note: don't ever get shot.

Church: It's settled then. Your name is now Doc.

DuFresne: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick.

Background goes greyscale and DuFresne slides further to the foreground while DOC slides across behind him, with dramatic "this is your name, fucking deal with it" music playing

Tucker: Oh, trust us, it'll stick.

Church: Now get over to Caboose, and help him hold that position.

Doc: I don't have a gun, I am a pacifist.

Church: Well then just get over there, and yell bang bang bang.

Doc: Eh, I don't know. Even that sounds pretty aggressive.

Tucker: Oh, come on.

Doc: Besides, I'm not supposed to get involved unless someone gets hurt.

Church: Huh. I see.

Church turns toward Caboose and very deliberately raises his gun, then fires one shot

Caboose: Ahow, my foot.

Church: Well, looks like Caboose has hurt himself. Maybe you should get over there and help him, Doc.

Doc: You know, you could have just asked nicely.

zoom back to the reds

Simmons: Oh crap, I'm out. Give me some ammunition, Grif.

Grif: Me? I don't have any extra, I'm down to one bullet.

Simmons: Wha.. how can that be? You're the one who carries all the extra rounds in to battle.

Grif: Wait, since when?

Ghost: Since the last staff meeting.

Grif: We actually talk about stuff in those things? I just fall asleep inside my helmet.

Simmons: Well, you missed your job assignment, and now we have no ammo.

Grif: What's your job?

Simmons: Me? I'm the Social Chairman.

Ghost: And I'm demolitions expert...

Ghost says were pulling out two C4's

Sarge:    Grif. Me and Treasurer Donut are empty. We need some clips.

Simmons: Hey Grif, you remember that one bullet you have left? I thought of the perfect way you can use it.

zoom back to DuFre- I mean Doc, and Caboose

Doc: I'm here Caboose, where're you hit?

Caboose: Ah, ow, ow, ow, my foot, my foot!

Doc: The left foot?

Caboose: Ah, left. Let's see, that makes an L with this thumb and...

Doc: I'm just gonna assume it's the bleeding one.

Caboose: Yeah, the red one. Aeh. I can't believe Church shot me.

Church: Oh don't even start, Caboose!

Doc: Anything else?

Caboose: Uh, well wha?

Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?

Caboose: Uh... Oh, I got one. Uh, Whell, sometimes when I fall asleep at night I think about my parents having sex, and I get really really mad for some reason.

Doc: ... ... ... Okay I'm just gonna start with the foot.

Caboose: Okay.

zoom to Tucker and Church

Tucker: Hey dude, why aren't the reds firing?

Church: I don't know, maybe they're outta ammo.

Sarge:    Hey blues! We are giving you a chance to surrender!

Church: Surrender!?