Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 4 Episode 73: Under The Weather

Fade in to Blue Base, with Tucker moaning as he often does

Tucker: Uuuuuuuhuuugh.... Uuuuuuhhhohgaawwwwd..

Church: Man, he sounds terrible.

Caboose: Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp.

Church: Swamp, you guys were in a swamp?

Caboose: Yeah. It was dark and swampy. I wasn't scared at all.

Church: Is this why you guys came home so fast?

Caboose: No, we came home because the alien died, eyand because the uh glowing sword turned out to be a uh glowing key.

Church: Yeah a glowing key that can still stab people.

Caboose: Right.

Church: So it is a sword. It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.

Caboose: Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.

Church: God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.

Caboose: Yeah. I have a really good time.

Church: Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

Tucker: Uuuuuhhhhhhhoh...

Church: Hey Tucker, you okay?

Tucker: Ohh, why don't you guys come in here?

Church: Uh, because it might be contagious? Aaand because we've got to think about the health of the unit as a whole. I came up with that pretty fast.

Caboose: And because you threw up ten minutes ago! And that's just gross!

Church: Hey wait a second, you don't think that sword-

Caboose: You mean the key?

Church: No I mean the sword. You don't suppose that sword is makin' him sick, do you?

Caboose: I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once.

Church: We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

Caboose: Or, maybe it runs on solar power!

Church: Wait now- why would solar power make him sick?

Caboose: Is he Republican?

Cut to a great view of Blue Simmons through the opening of the ramp, flanked by Grif and Donut

Simmons: Okay listen guys, do you want important information about the war or don't you?

Grif: I don't know man, this is a pretty exclusive club we've got here. If we let one blue guy in, we might have to let the next one in, and the next one, and then there goes the neighbourhood.

Donut: Yeah, pretty soon we'll have to let in women. And who wants them?

Grif: Hhyeah, then we'd be talking about interior decorating and reality T.V. shows all day. No thanks.

Donut: Grif, it kinda ruins my point when you just mention the good stuff.

Simmons: I'm sure the Blues are using the information right now to plot an attack against us.

Cut to Blue Base, and something that sounds remarkably similar to Tucker vomiting a Toyota

Church: That better have been in your bucket!

Caboose: I'll get the mop.

Cut back to Grif et al

Grif: Well you can forget it. You heard Sarge, there's no way we're letting you in the base dressed like that.