Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 5 Episode 94: Tucker Knows Best

Fade in to where the Reds are

Grif:    PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you, don't embarass the family!

Simmons:    I don't think she's embarassing -whoa, why is she doing splits?

Sarge:    Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?

Simmons:    Does this thing take dollar bills?

Grif:    Come on, that's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!

Simmons:    So? She's not our sister.

Grif:    Stop, looking at her!

Simmons:    Why does Donut get to look?

Donut:    Hey, why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.

Grif:    That's why Donut gets to look.

Sarge:    Ohhh, look, she's puttin' her armor back on. Uh, I mean, oh look, she is putting her armor back on. Good work Soldier!

Grif:    Don't partonize me.

Simmons:    It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting. And they have Ghost!

Sarge:    What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty backstabbers, and they took my second in command as a hostage!

Donut:    I thought the Blues were supposed to attack us and take our people

Sarge:    Dirty frontstabbers! Simmons, what're they saying?

Simmons:    I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. And without any sound it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.

Sarge:    Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.

Cut to the Blues all gathered on top of Blue Base

Church:    Alright, Vic called and said we should attack the Red base right away. I don't know why but, I guess we're gonna do it.

Ghost: Yeah I would love an explanation!

Tucker:    Attack? Shouldn't we call soldiers or the military for something like that?

Church:    And for some reason he thinks it's a good idea for some of us to go through the caves.

Tex:    Why?

Church:    I don't know f, who cares? So, me and Tex and Tucker are gonna go right up the middle.

Tucker:    What about my kid he can't go in to battle!

Church:    Doc, Sister and Junior, you guys go get lost in the caves.

Tucker:    Oh.

Church:    We'll find you after the battle's over. Unless we die, in which case we won't find you, and you're gonna have to find us. And if that happens I want to be buried as far away as possible from these two.

Tucker:    Yeah, and I wanna be stuffed and put on a couch with a cooler full o' beer, a bag full of cheese puffs, non-stop reruns of Baywatch and- ah, you know what, it's all in my will.

Caboose:    What about me? Can I get lost too?

Tex:    No Caboose, I need you and Ghost to stay here and watch Sheila.

Church:    Yeah, if the transfer gets interrupted we might lose her altogether.

Caboose:    Oh that would be bad.

Church:    Right, otherwise how would you accidentally kill people?

Caboose:    Hmm, well I suppose I could always-

Church:    Shut up that was retorrical, Tucker come on, let's get going.

Doc:    When should wego?

Church:    Dhe-a- I don't care. Just be ready to come running with the cavalry if we start screaming in pain. Unless Tucker starts screaming in pain, in which case, you know, feel free to point and laugh.

Tucker:    Well little dude, I guess there's a time when every little boy becomes a man.

Doc:    Tucker he's only three days old.

Tucker:    Yeah, they grow up so fast.

Church:    Also he's not a boy, he's a grub.

Tucker:    The point is, you're on your own now, and I don't have time to tell you everything you need to know. So here's a few brief pointers. Invest in real estate, there's no such thing as a permanent record, always eat breakfast, all the girls on the internet are actually dudes, and you should never, ever buy the extended warranty on anything. Ever. Oh also, chicks like it when you tell them you're pretty, but they also like it when you're kind of a dick to 'em. So mix it up a little.

Church:    Tucker let's go!

Tucker:    Okay little dude, I gotta go now. Tex needs me and Church to back her up.

Junior:    Bow chicka honk honk.

Doc:    Hunh, I guess you have been teaching him some stuff.

Tucker:    Teach? You don't teach that. That shit's genetic.

Ghost: That's why you shouldn't have sex. I don't want more Tuckers running around.

Cut to Tex, Church and Tucker walking along the plateau on the side of the Canyon toward Red Base

Church:    I don't see anything.

Tex:    I'll move up. You two stay here.

Tucker:    You want us to cover you?

Tex:    Yeah. Cover me. That way I won't get hurt. Just don't run away.

Tucker:    Hey, you don't have to be a bitch.

Tex approaches Red Base, while Church looks on through the scope of the sniper rifle

Church:    I don't see anything at all. It's like they're all hiding or somethin'.

Tucker:    Uh, what do you see?

Church:    I just said I don't see anything, I just said that.

Tucker:    Man I hate that I never get the fucking sniper rifle!

Church:    Oh yeah boo hoo, all you've got is your stupid awesome sword, I feel so sorry for you.

Tucker:    Come on dude, just once. Let me use it, just one time, I won't ever ask again! Pleeeeeeeease Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

Church:    Can I use the sword?

Tucker:    Oh hell yes!

Church:    Fine, here.

Tucker:    Oh kickass! Heh heh! Okay no, wait, how do I zoom? I'm zoomed!

Church:    Hey Tucker, the sword doesn't even work. What a fuckin' gyp.

Tucker:    Now how do I- wait what is this thing?

Church:    Okay, whatever dude, just don't-

Tucker shoots Tex right in the ass

Tex:    OW!

Church:    What the fuck, did you just fire that thing?

Tucker:    Oops! That was an accident.

Church:    We're s'posed to be sneaking up on 'em, dumbass. They're gonna hear us, gimme it back.

Tucker:    Um, yeah, okay take it back.

Church:    I knew there was a reason I didn't let you use this thing all these year- Hey, Tex, what're you doing back?

Tex punches Church in the face

Church:    OW! What the fuck did I do!?

Tex:    Asshole!

Tucker:    I told him to be careful with that thing, he's just not very good with it.