Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 4 Episode 72: Getting Debriefed

Cut back to the portcullis

Sarge:    What's all this racket?

Donut: There's an enemy tryin' to get in to the base.

Sarge:    Where?

Donut: Right there.

Sarge:    ...Where, behind Simmons?

Simmons: He means me, Sir.

Donut: Ohhh, Simmons. Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Simmons: Donut I did tell you it was me.

Donut: Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me."

Simmons: I am me.

Donut: But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me," I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

Simmons: That's because Ah'm me.

Grif: And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Simmons: Well, now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge:    I don't want to hear it, Blue.

Simmons: What? This is valuable information about the war.

Sarge:    There's no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

Simmons: But Sir, I only did that because noone would believe me about the tank.

Donut: Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father, that he displaces on you.

Simmons: No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge:    Alright, enough. The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is gettin' Court-Martialed.

Grif: Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror. Well, I'll go pack mah bags... Nice workin' with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

Cut to Tucker and Caboose who's carrying Andy approaching Blue Base

Church: Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes, what's up guys?

Tucker: Meh.

Church: Hey where's Tex and Ghost?

Tucker: Gone.

Church: Where's the alien?

Tucker: Dead.

Church: Well how'd the quest go?

Tucker: Failed.

Church: Yeah you know I, I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I.

Andy:    Eh I wouldn't say "failed," but these guys definitely screwed it up royally.

Tucker: What? We didn't do anything!

Andy:    Exactly. You let Tex and Ghost do all the work and got the alien killed.

Tucker: Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do. So, technically we didn't screw anything up.

Caboose: It's true, I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple.

Church: Well is Tex and Ghost okay?

Tucker: They're fine. None of us are that lucky. They chased after Wyoming.

Church: Tex and Ghost?

Tucker: Yeah.

Church: Wyoming?

Tucker: Yes.

Caboose: Massachusetts.

Tucker: Seriously, stop it.

Church: Tucker, why didn't you tell me this?

Tucker: Tell you when, we just got here.

Church: Yeah but you've been wasting my time gabbing about your stupid failed quest.

Andy:    Eh, I really wouldn't say "failed" here...

Tucker: This conversation's stupid, and I'm hungry, where's the food.

Church: Listen, any time you have new information for me, just tell it to me as quickly as possible. Okay?

Tucker: Well here's one short, blanket statement that covers all future situations: We, suck.

Church: I said new information.

Tucker: Don't we have anything to eat in this place?