Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 4 Episode 68: Getting All Misty

Simmons: I'm guessing you're not cocking that gun to give me a one gun salute in honor of my new promotion.

Sarge:    I don't think so. Simmons, just remember, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Simmons: I seriously doubt that, Sir.

Sarge:    Well, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you.

Simmons: I don't buy that either.

Sarge:    Well I am the one who has to clean the shotgun later, and those solvents smell so-

Church sneaks up on Sarge and knocks him out with the butt end of his sniper rifle. The same one Tucker still hasn't gotten to hold

Church: Booya!

Sarge:    Geegagawboh!

Simmons: Ooh, the back of your head.

Church: Well that was close. I've always wanted to say "booya" too, that was awesome. ...Booyeah.

Simmons: Where the hell'd you come from?

Church: Huh? Oh, you must be one of the new Blues that took over our base after we left. Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past.

Simmons: Why would I be afraid of someone from the past? People from the future are scary. People from the past are savages and idiots.

Sarge:    Whaoweaugh, what the, who hit me?

Simmons: Hurry, quick, before he wakes up, help me get this guy in the hole.

Church: We have a hole? That's kickass!

Cut to a dirty, nasty swamp where Tucker and friends are... sounds like an early morning cartoon, doesn't it?

Andy:    Alright. This, is the Great Swamp. We can rest here a while before we move on.

Tucker: Yeah, let's rest in a swamp, that makes sense.

Andy:    Save your energy Tucker, you're gonna need it.

Tucker: Aw screw that. So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. The monsters dead. What's next, we gonna open an unlocked door? Rescue a Princess from herself?

Andy:    Hey Caboose. What's wrong?

Caboose: I think something is following us.

Andy:    Yeah. It's been on us since we left. Part of the prophecy talks about something evil that tries to take the Great Weapon.

Tucker: You mean my awesome dead monster killing weapon? It can have it.

Andy:    It's attracted to it. It can't live without it.

Tucker: That doesn't sound good. Hey Caboose, come here and hold my sword.

Ghost: Don't drag Caboose into this you son of a bitch.

Andy:    It's okay, we got a plan. We can make camp, and then we'll tell ya about it.

Caboose: I love camping!

Ghost: We know you do caboose.

Fade out, then back in to ...the same place? What kind of useless dissolve was that? Oh yeah, Tucker's sleeping and snoring

Tucker: (snore) ...twins... hm, huh? Hey, guys? Ghost? Andy? ...Caboose? Alien? ... ...Guys? Anybody?

The whatever it is that's following them slowly sneaks up on Tucker as he says this

Andy:    Now Ghost, Caboose!

Trut'aik: WHARRRRRG!

Caption: <ATTACK!!>

The aliens jump on it and starts pummeling it. Go alien!

Andy:    We got it!

Caboose: Is it safe to come out yet?

Andy:    Caboose, you were supposed to help.

Caboose: I was helping watch.

Ghost: I was making sure he doesn't hurt himself.

Andy:    What if somethin' had happened?

Caboose: I'm sure I would have seen it.

Ghost: I would just kill them.

Tucker: Hey what the hell, where did you guys go?

Andy:    We laid a trap.

Tucker: A trap? You left me all alone!

Andy:    Heh heh heh, you can't have a trap without bait!

Tucker: I was the bait?

Ghost: No, you weren't the bait, we just decided to go behind a tree for absolutely no reason, OF COURSE YOU WERE THE BAIT!!

Caboose: I thought you did a very good job.

Tex: Get off of me you stinky idiot!

Ghost: Tex?

Tex: (gets helped up by Ghost) This is some greeting. I come to help you guys and ya ambush me.

Andy:    You weren't comin' to help, you were comin' to steal the sword!

Tex: No I wasn't. I was coming to steal your reward... And Ghost...

Ghost:  There is no reward. The reward, is the sword. Also, what?

Tex: Oh. Thennn yeah, I guess I'm here to steal the sword.

Trut'aik:    Hurn, blarrr.

Caption: <Prophecy also says she takes the salvation and emancipation of our race for all eternity.>

Andy:    Oh yeah yeah, and also the salvation and emancipation of his species for all eternity.

Tex: Tell you what. I'll go fifty fifty. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.

Trut'aik:    Hurhonk?

Caption: <Deal>

Andy:    Deal.

Tucker: What do I get?

Tex: You get to live, but no guarantees.

Tucker: That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the Universe.

Tex: I'm a woman, and somehow... I don't feel any luckier.

Ghost: I'm right here you now.

Tex: Never mind, I feel really really lucky. If I'm really lucky, I'd be able to have sec with you.

Ghost: What?

Tex: Nothing!

Tucker: I said fine ladies.

Ghost kicks Tucker in the balls

Tucker: AAAAHHHHHHH!!

Andy:    What do you want Caboose?

Caboose: I want a pony.

Ghost: If you are good I might get you a pony.

Caboose: REALLY!

Ghost: Of course.

Caboose: YAY!