Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 3 Episode 56: Calm Before the Storm

Church: No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex.

Tex: Excuse me?

Church: (whispering to Tex) Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. (To Andy) Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex.

Tex: Church...

Andy:    I don't know...

Tucker: Come on Tex.

Tex: Yes. We're talking about me.

Andy:    Sounds like you're patronizing me.

Tex: No really, it's me, I'm a bitch.

Church: Heh heh, keep going.

Tex: And I need to be calmed down all the time.

Church: Or what happens?

Tex: Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.

Church: ...I see your point.

Caboose: Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness.

Tucker: Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep.

Caboose: That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.

Tucker: Also mention that your so crazy about Ghost, you have a fucking Shrine in our base it's really annoying.

Ghost: Wait, what?

Tex: It's nothing, (to tucker) Tucker to you say another word I will fucking murder you.

Tucker: Why does everyone hate me?

Andy:    Well, she sounds like a real handful.

Tex: Alright listen you little noob firecracker.

Church: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile.

Tex: I am so gonna remember this Church.

Caboose: You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight.

Church: Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care.

Explosions happen outside the base behind him

O'Malley: (from outside) Attack, my robot minions.

Church: I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence.

Ghost: Maybe you shouldn't be saying that stuff... Dumbass.

Church: Oh Blow me.

Ghost: I'll get donut too.

A large explosion happens, and clears to reveal the Reds

Sarge:    What the hell was that?

Simmons: It sounded like a huge explosion!

Sarge:    Chantilly lace! That means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.

Grif: Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?

Sarge:    Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

Grif: ...We're in battle?

Sarge:    Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Donut!

Donut: Yes Sir.

Sarge:    Scream like a woman!

Donut: Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs wildly and continues screaming through the rest of the episode. See below)

Sarge:    Grif!

Grif: What.

Sarge:    Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

Grif: I don't think I've been trained on that.

Sarge:    Simmons, kiss ass at will.

Simmons: You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man Sir.

Sarge:    Excellent work Simmons. Incoming.

Sarge and Grif duck, and a rocket shoots over their heads

Sarge:    Grif, you're up.

Grif: Permission to assist Donut, Sir.

Sarge:    Permission denied. Continue with Operation Meatshield. Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there.

Simmons: Good call Sir!

Sarge:    You're on your way to a medal, Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around. Purple Heart for Grif, Pink Heart for Donut, and a Brown Nose for Simmons.

*** Donut's womanly screams ***

Donut: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're all gonna die! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, wahaaaaaaaaah whooooooooo hoo hoooooooooooo, whoaa noooooo, whahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa, gonna die, we're gonna die, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (inhale) Ahhhhhhhhhhh, we're all gonna die, can't someone help me, won't someone help me, whoaohhhhhhhhhhh, help me somebody... I'm too young to die, I'm too pretty to die... I haven't even seen Paris yet!