Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 2 Episode 35: What's Mine Is Yours

Grif: Ah, delicious freon. (violent coughing and throat clearing)

Donut: (jumping) Hwup!

Simmons: Grif, are you alright? Are my lungs okay? Hey, wait a minute, are you smoking inside your helmet again!?

Grif: What!? No! (exhales cigarette smoke) ...Oops.

Simmons: Dammit, I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?

Grif: None.

Simmons: ...

Grif: Okay five. ...or more.

Donut: Hungh!

Grif: Baker's dozen at most.

Simmons: Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?

Grif: By my count?

Donut: Hup!

Grif: Forty eight.

Simmons: Alright, that's it. No more smoking...

Donut: Hwauhw...

Simmons: No more drinking, and no more overeating, chubby.

Donut: HWUP!

Simmons: You're not gonna ruin my body parts the same way you ruined yours.

Grif: That's okay, I can think of different ways to ruin them.

Sound of a tremendous catastrophy

Donut: Ah ah ow, aahhhhh. Who left the spleen-ball where someone could trip on it? I think I broke something. Simmons; I need your ovaries!

Simmons: Huoh, I really hate this army.

Sarge arrives

Sarge:    Grif, Simmons 2.0. I just got off the horn to Command. I'm afraid we have a situation.

Simmons: Uhh, don't tell me they cancelled the holiday party again. Those cheap bastards. All I wanted was one night of carefree dancing, but noooo, I ask you when is it gonna be Simmons' turn? When?!

Grif and Sarge look at each other

Sarge:    Ah, actually the problem is with Lopez.

Grif: Don't tell me. The Consulate General from Spanish land is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate.

Simmons: There's no such thing as Spanish land you retard.

Grif: Yes there is, they have those uh, uh, water slides. And all that salsa.

Simmons: No, they don't.

Grif: Well, I guess you would know.

Simmons: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? For the last time, I'm DUTCH IRISH!

Grif: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get outta control. I was just trying to make a point.

Sarge:    Can it, Frankenstein. We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boilin' over. I've just learned that Command implanted Lopez with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have any idea what this means?

Grif: I uh, uh... Simmons, you wanna take this one?

Simmons: Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?

Grif: Certainly not water slides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa.

Sarge:    What it means is that if we don't get back Lopez before the blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.

Grif: Eeeew. Gi-a... that's gross!

Sarge:    I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on. Drivin' blind, in to the tunnel of-

Simmons: Sir, I think we get the picture. The very very disturbing picture.

Sarge:    You sure? I could go on.

Grif: I'm sure you could. But no. Really.

Sarge:    Just one more.

Grif: Stop.

Sarge:    Come on, they're fun. Simmons, you try one, I'll start you off. Flyin' by the seat of your blank, with a blank in the blank. Eh?

Simmons: Sorry sir, I'mmm not good at word games.

Sarge:    Ah, you're both a couple lousy blanks. At least Ghost would've joined me but he is not here!

Grif: Who will take any chance to insult us.

Sarge: And that's why I like them so much.