Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 1 Chapter 16: A Slightly Crueler Cruller

Sarge goes to put the chip into Lopez

Simmons: Hey, sir. You really should ground yourself before handling that card.

Sarge:    How come?

Simmons: Because static could damage the card.

Ghost: He's right sir, if you don't ground yourself you're just gonna destroy the chip.

Sarge:    Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up! (a visible electric surge as he inserts the card in Lopez) Yow!

Simmons: Sir. I won't say I told you so, sir.

Sarge:    Good. I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private.

Donut: It's not pink, it's lightish red! Wait does that mean you would like me more than Ghost?!

Ghost: 1) I'm not a private, 2) I'm a corporal...

Donut: Wait you're a corporal?!

Ghost: No shit Sherlock! Do you think anyone else could be a corporal?

Donut just stays quiet because he knows Ghost is right

Cut to Caboose and Tucker outside the blue base. Tucker's armor is clean

Caboose: (exhales) Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off easy?

Tucker: Yeah, this was a lot easier when we were cleaning just my armor.

Caboose: Yeah, I know that, that's I think because you know uh, you didn't do anything.

Tucker: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing.

Caboose: Ah, ah, aaahhhh ha ha ha ha ah yeah, ah yeah aha, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... Don't make me mad.

Back to the red base

Donut: So, what happened to me anyway? I recall something about a spider on my head?

Grif: Right. That was a grenade.

Donut: And the last thing I remember, is a loud bang, and then Simmons fainting...

Grif: Ha! Told you so!

Simmons: I did not faint.

Sarge:    Done and done. Lopez. Activate speech unit!

Lopez: Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres. Me llamo es Lopez.

Donut: (over the last five numbers) Am I the only one not understanding any of this?

Lopez: Me llamo es Lopez.

Grif: Lopez, he just said Lopez! I understood that. I can speak Spanish!

Ghost: You can't speak Spanish you dumb fuck and In almost every language your name is the same like Me llamo es Ghost or Me llamo es Sarge.

Grif: Wait you speak Spanish!

Ghost: I speak multiple languages.

Grif: When were you gonna tell us?

Ghost: Never... I don't like any of you.

Sarge:    Lopez. Speak, English.

Lopez: Mi procesador Inglés tiene malfunctioned. Sé habla solamente español.

Simmons: Huh, I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.

Sarge:    Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model.

Donut: Seriously dude. For the last time. Not pink.

Sarge:    Lopez. I order you to speak a language we understand.

Lopez: Negativo.

Sarge:    Well this is just dandy. Lopez. How, do, we, fix, your, speech, u, -nit?

Ghost: Why are you talking so slow? He understands us just fine.

Grif: Maybe you should try listening slower.

Sarge:    Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?

Lopez: (raising his gun) Sí señor. Gracias.

Grif: No, stop! Uh, alto, alto!

Ghost: Alto means tall, you dumbass.

Grif: Then why do they put it on stop signs?

Ghost, Valkyrie, Ophelia: I hate all of you.

Simmons: Seriously I swear I'm hearing voices?!

Ghost: You are fucking stupid! So shut the fuck up!