Can I please be happy? (Phan)

GO HIDE!

Warnings: minor smut. Not actually smut but pretty close. You'll see.

{Phil's POV}

I feel numb. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel like shit. I wanna put into words or actions how I feel but it is impossible. The only thing I can really say is that I'm just not good enough. Not good enough for anyone.

I heard countless stories. Countless stories of Willow going all the way with the guys she has dated, but that guy was never me. She wouldn't even make out with me. I never really asked or pushed for her to do that with me. That was half because I was scared and half because I thought that saying anything about it was not needed because the time would come. But the time never came and it was hopeless.

I am just an ugly awkward timid guy that hasn't grown into his skin yet. I'm immature and I always will be immature. That is never going to change about me and that holds me back. Everyone thinks I'm innocent and they can't touch me for the fear that I might break. Well if they would give me a chance I would prove them wrong. I have manly thoughts, I do manly things, I make manly choices. I am actually masculine.

Right now Dan is trying to get my attention so he can make me feel better. I know he will make me feel better. I know as soon as I look at his sweet loving eyes he will make me feel all better. I want to pay attention, I really do. But I don't feel like I'm in my body. I'm not controlling anything. I am on autopilot waiting for comfort to bring me back into reality. I feel really bad for ignoring him but I can't get over it.

Next thing I know he is standing in front of me. Looking in my glassy eyes that are holding back tears. He whispered something I couldn't pay attention to. He slowly raised his hands to my cheeks. I felt the warmth of his skin trying to soothe me. He gave me a warm smile. That smile was just enough to feel at least a little bit important. I was at least something to him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him into a tight hug, pulling all of the positivity he held over to me.

"I love you so much." I whispered on his shoulder as I snuggled into him. He softly caressed the back of my head telling me that he was a shoulder to cry on. I moved my hands down to the small of his back and I pulled away just enough to plant a soft kiss on his lips. he smiled and kissed me back harder. He could feel that everything was okay when I'm with him.

"Are you gonna be okay?" He asked sweetly on my lips. My eyes were still closed loving the feeling of his breath on me. I nodded quickly and kissed him again. I lent my forehead on his and smiled.

"Love me." I softly and seductively spoke, pulling him just a little bit closer. He smirked, knowing exactly what I wanted. He ran his fingers across my jawline and slowly moved it down to my side.

"Whatever you want babe." He whispered and kissed my neck. It sent shivers down my spine. He tugged at the hem of my shirt asking if it was okay to get it out of the way. I nodded and he pulled it off in one swift motion and threw it who knows where. I will pick that up later. I rubbed his thigh signaling that i was going to pick him up and we were going to go upstairs. He stopped what he was doing and looked me in the eye, seeming more serious than before.

"Are you doing this out of jealousy or do you actually want this. In other words, do you actually love me for real or do you love me to prove a point." He looked so sincere and so worried. I could tell that this had happened before to him. He was sensitive from past experiences. He had be loved because he could be easily used to create envy in others. I guess that could make his overall perfection be a gift an a curse. I am not like those people in the past. Even if I had tried to use him for anything all of my plans would be immediately interrupted by the pure electricity of his lips on mine and the soft tender care of his touch. To me he is irresistible, not for the reason that I hate Willow with a passion but for the reason that I love him with a passion that can never be denied.