Can I please be happy? (Phan)

What Is Life

This song means a lot to me and I STRONGLY suggest listening to it before, during, or after reading this chapter because of reasons. I don't really want to give anything away but be ready to open your mind. You can still leave it closed but you might be missing out on some feels. WARNING! You might cry. Oh and I know I didn't choose the original artist's performance of it to put as a link, I just felt like this one makes me feel a lot more emotions. Sorry but Scott Hoying's voice is my religion. Don't judge.

{Willow's POV}

No regrets. I used to live life with nothing stopping me. Nothing to hold me back. No regrets. I broke guy's hearts and made sure they felt pain. I made them feel sorry for causing me trouble that they didn't cause me. I used to feel like a rockstar all the time. I was able to strut my stuff walking through the streets even when I felt torn down. It never affected me when someone would tell me that I am an awful person. I knew that I was an awful person. I guess I liked it that way.

I thought about that life. I slept with that thought in my brain, or shall I say I stayed awake all night with that thought burning my brain and burning my eyes with tears. How did I do this? I felt like someone was missing but that feeling felt so wrong. I didn't deserve anything. Look at what I did! I probably made Phil cry himself to sleep a couple nights in a row. I am the one that made Phil feel so terrible that he wore rubber bands on his wrist that always half concealed brushes left from him hurting himself. He hurt himself. I hurt him.

I know this all seems so uncharacteristic of me. All of my friends know that I would never say sorry or regret a decision that I made. I would never feel sorry for anything. Now I am so ashamed. I can't believe that I didn't realize what I had until I lost it. I didn't realize that behind Phil's tall awkwardness he was sweet and beautiful and nothing but nice from the start. Am I literally out of his league? I know I have no right to feel this way and I have no right to think about him again let alone get him back. I just need to do something just to tell him that I want to change and depending on how this goes today will be the first step.

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I walked up to his door and knocked lightly. No one answered so I figured that he was upstairs sitting in his bed crying again because I made Dan leave him. I figured it would be best if I just let myself in so I reached under the mat outside of his door to where I know his spare key is. As I felt around for the key my hand brushed against a piece of paper that was taped to the key. I was. Very curios so I picked it up and read the front of the envelope attached to the key. It read:

For Willow

Was he expecting me? As I sniffled the last of my tears back to where they belonged in my eyes, I opened the envelope hoping for a surprise second chance from Phil. This is what I found.

Willow,

I figured that you would come back even though we both (Dan and I) told you not to. I figured that you would look for the spare key and let yourself in so that is why I put this note here. I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to look at you, and I know for a fact that you don't want to look at my ugly face anymore. I don't think anyone wants to look at me except Dan. See this is what you thought of me, and now this is what I think of myself. I just have one question for you to ponder. Why? Why did you do this to me? I have been nothing but nice to you. I watched your stupid movies, I told you that you were pretty, I let you cry on my shoulder when you were sad, I even put up with your stupid friends calling me names. I should have said this a while ago, but I want to tell you that I am officially done with you.

I still remember when we were younger and you were so sweet to me. You told me that I have soft skin and beautiful eyes and I told you that your hair is so beautiful even in the morning and your pretty even without makeup. We would cuddle and forget about the world around us. Then one day we cuddled after you had a bad day and I saw a bruise on your neck left from the night before when you decided to go to Chris's house instead of mine. I asked you about it and you confessed that you cheated. I was too soft, and decided to forgive you right away. I still let you go to Chris's house.