𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑐𝑢𝑟𝑠𝑒, 𝐻𝑖𝑠 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑒

~Send me an angel...~

Another sleepless night, I seem to be having a lot of those right? Or has it just become so rare for me to fall asleep, that I've become so used to lying awake.

I would sleep... if I could, but it's rather hard to sleep if your mind doesn't want to sleep. When a hundred thoughts are racing through your head, a thousand voices and a million memories... it's almost impossible to find somewhere quiet inside of such a mess...

Memories was what tonight was filled with, a lot of them Jax, some of them Felicity, others just random glimpses of the past that want to say hello.

~~

"Jax!! I'm going to find you! You know you can't hide from me!!" I shouted as I ran around the house, I wouldn't let Jax win this game of hide and seek. My five year old self ran into mine and Jax's bedroom, I heard a small giggle come from the big bear.

I stayed quiet as I tiptoed over, hearing Jax let out more giggles. I slowly reached out towards the bear, grasping onto the soft fabric before pulling it into the air. "AHA!!" I shouted, I frowned as I didn't see Jax there, I placed the bear back in it's spot as I stomped my foot. "Dang-it!"

~~

I leapt onto the bed, rolling around in the soft blankets. Felicity giggled before coming over, jumping into the blankets too. We rolled around, throwing pillows at each other and knocking each other down. We were both standing when I jumped at Felicity, we both went tumbling to the mattress in a heap.

We were both laughing, genuine laughter. This was the happiest I had felt in a long time, and all because of this one girl. She's made my dullest days so much brighter, she's made even getting hurt seem like nothing. Hell, just an hour ago I was a sobbing, bleeding mess... and here I am laughing and mucking about like a little kid again.

We both stopped laughing when we realized how close we were. Our faces were inches apart, our bodies pressed together. I looked into Felicity's eyes, seeing a new sparkle I hadn't seen before. We both stared at each other, probably thinking the exact same thing.

Should we kiss?

~~

That memory made me smile, it was one of the memories I cherish, the one that reminds me of the happiness I had felt. It reminded me of how someone had cared for me... but then it mocks, shoving the brutal truth in my face.

That caused another memory to hit me, one not so long ago, one that made me want to curl into a ball and cry.

~~

Felicity...

I felt as though my heart just stopped beating as I saw her sit between Zeke and Ashton, Zeke placed a kiss on her cheek so she smiled in return. She didn't even glance over, not once. Yet I saw Zeke smirk at me.

Funny, we aren't even dating yet I fell like I've had my heart crushed. This was exactly why I didn't want to be friends with anyone, or fall in love for that matter...

I'm always the one that get's hurt...

"Cooper..." Suicide said as he sat beside me, Bullet sat on my shoulder, trying her best to comfort me. Like me, Damian was staring blankly at Felicity and Zeke. But only one thought was running through my head...

She was faking all along...

~~

I decided to put on YouTube, music to be exact. I searched up the first song that came to mind.

Do you believe in Heaven above?
Do you believe in love?
Don't tell a lie, don't be false or untrue
It all comes back to you

Open fire, on my burning heart
I've never been lucky in love
My defenses are down
A kiss or a frown
I can't survive on my own

If a girl walks in and carves her name in my heart
I'll turn and run away
Everyday we've all been led astray
It's hard to be lucky in love

It gets in your eyes, it's making you cry
Don't know what to do, don't know what to do
You're looking for love
Calling Heaven above

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now, right now
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now, right now

Empty dreams can only disappoint
In a room behind your smile
But don't give up, don't give up
You can be lucky in love

It gets in your eyes, it's making you cry
Don't know what to do, don't know what to do
You're looking for love
Calling heaven above

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now, right now

Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now, right now
Oh oh
Send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now, right now

Please send me an angel
Won't you send me an angel
Right now
Oh, send me an angel
Send me an angel
Right now, send me, ooooooh
Send me an angel, right now

I let the song go through my head, the lyrics really hitting me. I guess I did plead for an angel didn't I... I whined for so long for someone who could save me from... well, myself.

Sure, I get bullied and all that. That hurts, it really does. So does being suicidal, having voices in my head... not feeling anything besides depressed... But I don't need saving from any of that... I need saving from myself.

Soon enough, my mind will give up on me, and when it does, I hope someone will be there to convince it to try again. Because no matter how many times I've tried, I've never been able to motivate myself to do anything... its always been a case of routine. Not once, have I ever been able to think 'I can't wait to get up and be productive today! I wonder what I'll do tomorrow?' Nah. It's always been 'What's the point? It's not like something magical will happen. I mean, how long has it taken them to discover unicorns? Exactly, It's taken forever and it will never happen... but I'm hungry, so get up.'

I hate the fact that I've not got motivation, that I feel like I have no reason to live.

I do believe in Heaven above, I believe in a life beyond this one. One where I will see Dad and Jax again... I'll get to say I'm sorry...

I do believe in love... I just wish I believed enough to be able to love... I feel like I'm to broken to do so.

So I ask now, Where's my motivation? Where's my reason to live? Where's my love? Where's my passion?

When will I find my angel?...

Or should I just give up searching...