Till The End

Chapter 28 - Fear Of Love

                        Lost in doubts
                        Carrying an empty soul
                        I wonder If I am craving for the sea or
                        Appeased with my very own known river.

I don't know what to do. On one side it's Jim, the guy I love more than anyone. On the other side it's Winnie, who's pleading before me. 

"Eila. Eila, say something. Tell me that you won't snatch Jim from me. Tell me", Winnie shakes me up from my thoughts. My tears are jammed at a corner of my eyes. I don't want them to fall now. They're also frozen like I am now.

"Eila. Winnie", a voice comes from beside and as we both turn to see it's Annie. "What are you both doing at this our of night. It's 1 am. Tomorrow you have to leave early. Go and sleep." Not less than a minute for her saying so, I start heading towards my room. Right now I have no answer. Right now, I can't face anyone. But as I am going Annie stops me,"Eila."

I turn back without saying anything. "Come to my room please. I need you for something". Nodding my head I go with her while Winnie just keeps standing there. I guess she'll leave after I'm gone from her sight.

Annie makes me sit on her bed while I just kept staring at the tiles of the floor. For a moment we both were silent after which the she suddenly starts, "I know. Life's never fair. It never would." As her words are out I immediately face her. Does she know? 
Annie looks at me, "I'm sorry but I heard your conversation with Winnie. I know what you're thinking right now."

I stay silent. So she knows. But I don't have anything to say. I don't know what to say. I just look at her with hope that somehow she can calm the storm in my mind. "Don't bother yourself with what all happened. Just do what you feel right. If you love someone don't back out just because someone else loves that person. You should never think that Winnie loves Jim so you are coming in between them." 

"But I am", I intervene without facing her.

"No. You are not. There might me many other girls in your class or college who secretly admires him. So does that mean that all are coming in between each other. No. That's not the case. The thing that matters here is whom does Jim love. If he loves you then don't you think by denying your feelings you are doing unfair to him? That'll indeed be unfair to him. Let me him decide with whom he wants to stay."

I remain. What she said is right. But what if Jim loves Winnie. As soon as the thought erupts in my mind I am broken. My breath hitches on my throat. It feels like every piece of my body is falling apart. "What if he loves Winnie?" I look into her eyes.

"He might. He might love Winnie. In that case you will feel bad. In fact you'll be broken inside out and I know that. I have seen how much you love him. I saw you both today at the party. But you have to calm yourself. Tell me one thing, when you started falling for him, was you expecting him to love you back"?

No, I was not. I think unto myself. I just fell for him. He came in my life like the breezy air of early spring after winter.
I just nod in response to Annie's question.  But at the same time I am confused, still confused of what to do. 

"See. It's just that you will not get the first love of your life. Nothing much. I know that's not easy. His place will be irreplaceable in your life. But that doesn't mean that someone else can't make their own separate place in your heart. Life's never fair but we have to move on like that. Jim'll always have a special place in your life." Such things are easy to say. But not that easy to carry on. I can't think of any solution to this problem right now. Neither have I anything to say Annie. There's now a awkward silence. She might be waiting for me to say something but I am left with no words. 

"I think you should take rest now. Go and sleep", Annie places her palm on my hand. I am glad she understood my dilemma. I got up and wish her a good night. I begin to walk towards my room. But then I stop. Winnie's there and I can not face her right now. Also, Emi's probably sleeping and I don't want her to know about all these at this moment. I'll definitely say everything to her when I've come to a solution. So I go to the woodenly carved balcony from where the view of the sea is clearly visible. As soon as my eyes reach the sea and the breezy air rolls upon my skin, those stored tears began rolling down my eyes as I remember all those moments I spent with Jim. Whenever I'm with him I have no fear, no stress, no worries. He calms my mind. Right now I need him badly. I just want him to be my side now. I wanna hug him tight and get lost in his embrace. Nevertheless, the truth is he's not here by my side. This feeling sucks me. 

"Are you okay?" As soon as I hear the words coming from behind every nerve is my body rises up. My breath is coming out more heavily. Without giving a second thought, I turn back and rush to embrace him as tight as I cam. In a split second Jim wraps his arms around mine taking me in his embrace. I hug him more tight while he does the same. I just wanna remain like this. The seclusion I'm feeling now will take more than a million words to explain. Bunch of tears are rolling down my eyes wetting his shirt on which I am having no control. Grabbing me tight he asks, "What happened? Tell me". His voice is uptight with an excessive amount of concern. However I have nothing to answer him. I don't know what and how to say. "Please tell me why are you crying? Did Winnie say something?" He asks again. I have no courage to answer him. I stay silent when he lifts up my face placing his palm on my lower jaw. He slowly takes off my glasses and places it on the small round table beside us. Wiping my tears with his hands, he presses a soft kiss on my temple cupping my face. All my side hairs have risen by his action as his hot breath is rolling over my face. The running storm in my mind immediately calms down. That's it, I love him and I won't hide my feelings. At the same time I'm hoping for a positive response from him since the way he holds me is much more perfervid which words can never express. I'll say him everything. I'm unaware of the consequence but now I don't care.